working for it

Here's a semi-related follow up question:

I understand that a relationship takes work. It's not always going to be about "happiness". Love is deeper, takes commitment, compromise etc. In other words, sometimes you're going to be miserable, but you have to trust that you made the right long-term decision that this person was worth it, and struggle through.

But to what extent is that true in the beginning of a relationship? Obviously you shouldn't commit to a relationship with somebody who makes you miserable, even sometimes. But on the other hand, you can't expect to be in love with the person right off the bat either. In the beginning, it's much more shallow, so I think it's legitimate to ask how "happy" you are to be around this person.

Here's the scenario: I went on a date last night with a guy I really like. Have liked him for years. And I think, in the long term, we'd be quite compatible. He's somebody I could potentially see being worth it to struggle through some hard times with.

However, in the short term, I have already ceased to feel that giddy happiness to be around him all the time. In some cases, I'd even rather hang out with one friend or another than with him. And that concerns me. If somebody is the right one for a relationship, shouldn't I still be in that ecstatic crush stage? I definitely was, with him, when I met him years ago. And then I was, again, when we re-united about 2 years ago. I still liked him and wanted to pursue him even after it wore off. I still like him and want to pursue him now. But sometimes I find myself thinking "Meh, I'm going to pretend I had a prior commitment so I can hang out with X friend instead."

So, have I reached the "compromise" stage too early? Am I asking myself to WORK for a relationship earlier than I should? Shouldn't it still be natural and easy at this point? Or is it legitimate to have friends that make me "happier" on a shallow, short term basis, and still work for a relationship with somebody else? Or maybe is it that I'm kidding myself, and despite having patiently pursued him for 3 years, I don't really like him that much?

Thoughts?

high fidelity

I have been thinking a lot about monogamy, or lack thereof. It seems a strange thing for me to think about, since I don't have a boyfriend (dammit). But for some reason, the topic keeps coming up in my life. I find myself being asked for advice, or for action. But as much as I've thought and talked about it lately, I can't come to any conclusion, either in a general sense or with respect to what I would want in my own relationship.

Here are a few things that seem to be true. I'm generalizing, obviously, so don't have a coronary:

1. Guys are very visual. They see something beautiful, and they have to have it. They do stupid things to get it.

2. Guys are able to fool around without getting (as) emotionally meepy about it. It's kinda like masturbating, but using somebody else's body instead of a fleshlight. Guys don't seem to particularly care whether the guy loves them when it's over, and they don't necessarily expect a relationship to come out of it.

3. Notwithstanding #2, guys do get jealous and get their feelings hurt. Even though sex and emotion don't always go together, they often do. Particularly when you're well into the relationship.

4. Guys are hard-wired to want to sow their wild oats (or whatever metaphor you like). At least from what I've been told, the propagation of the species used to depend on guys impregnating whatever females they could get. Society may have domesticated us a bit, but our animal instincts don't seem to have changed. And whatever gene makes us horny seems to be connected to the one that makes us male, not the one that makes us straight.

5. Guys have trouble articulating their feelings/desires. So there is rarely a productive "defining the relationship" talk that sets out rules both can agree on.

6. Guys will agree to just about anything in order to be allowed to stick it where they want to (see #1). So even if the couple discusses "the rules", and they very clearly agree to have an open relationship, it's likely that one is more into it than the other, and is just saying what he has to say to get the relationship going. Once the other one strays, feelings are hurt.

7. "The rules" that western society runs on were designed by and for straight people, and are heavily influenced by religion.

8. People are hypocrites. They want the rules to apply only to the other person.

9. Totally open communication is hard, because there are some things we'd rather not know. Particularly when it comes to our lovers being interested in others. And the lies and half-truths tend to snowball, until it's too late.


Here are some things I know to be true about me (I'm not generalizing anymore):

A. I get bored easily. When I do get a boyfriend, it probably won't be long before I want to sleep with somebody else.

B. I'm very insecure, particularly about my looks, so if my boyfriend even expresses interest in sleeping with somebody else, I'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he's falling in love with the other guy, and out of love with me.

C. Threesomes are hot. I'm all for it. But see #2.

D. I like it when other guys find my lover desirable.

E. I am way too good at talking myself into things, but not good enough. I could definitely see me convincing myself I want an open arrangement, being devastated when my boy uses the opportunity, and then being unable to convince myself I'm not hurt by it. But I'd want to try to pretend, wouldn't tell him I feel bad, and it would happen again.

F. I (thus far) have only dated people who I consider to be hotter than me. So if we have an open relationship, he'd probably get more play than me, and I'd be jealous.


So here are various scenarios that have cropped up in my life recently to make me think about this:

I. Max and Eric started dating, but things weren't settled for a long time, because Eric was still in the closet. Max was dating somebody else for the first year and a half of this relationship, but Eric didn't know it. Then they became monogamous for a long time. Then Eric moved to another city. They did the long-distance thing, and were faithful, but Eric met somebody else. When Max and Eric finally broke up, Eric went immediately to the guy that he'd met, leading Max to think they'd been cheating. He was hurt.

II. Jason and Dirk had an agreement that its ok to sleep with other people, as long as the other one is invited to join. Dirk is much hotter than Jason. Dirk started making out with a colleague of Jason's at a party, took him to a room, and started fooling around. Jason searched the house, found them together, and joined in. Everybody was happy.

III. Adam and Steve had an agreement to be open. Steve didn't really want it, but agreed to it in order to keep Adam. Adam and Steve had threesomes, which seemed fine. Adam is a bit slutty, and slept with other randoms. Steve didn't like it, but knew he'd lose Adam if he said anything. Then Adam slept with one of Steve's friends. This was technically not against the rules they'd discussed, but was way outside Steve's comfort zone. Miscommunication = hurt feelings = breakup.

IV. Tom and Albert met at a sex club. They have been together for 15 years, and are married. Their relationship has always been open. They both sleep with (and even date!) other guys. As time passed, Albert became more domestic/traditional, and Tom became more slutty. This makes Albert jealous, but he is reluctant to say anything because he's afraid to seem uncool or weak, and because it's hard to change the rules after 15 years. They generally have excellent communication skills, so they talk most of it through, and it's working for now. They're considering a third person in the relationship (not just for sex).

V. Joe and Mark had recently moved in together, and Mark was admittedly "possessive." One of Mark's friends off-handedly complimented Joe, and Joe tattled. Mark flipped out, openly accusing the friend of trying to steal Joe from him. The friendship ended.

VI. Henry and Chris had been together about 4 years. They'd just bought a house together, and seemed the very picture of domestic bliss. They had an agreement to be monogamous. Henry went to P-town with some buddies, and he sucked one of them off. He confessed to Chris, who was crushed. In order to save the relationship, Henry agreed to give Chris full access to all his email and Facebook etc, and never speak to that friend again. Trust is broken.

VII. Jordan knows he's a slut, and doesn't want to be. He has cheated on his boyfriends in the past, and it hasn't ended well. He's smitten with a new guy, and wants to become monogamous to please this guy. Yet within the first few weeks of their dating, Jordan got jerked off by a masseuse, sucked off one of his friends, and fucked a random guy at a club (yes, AT the club). He feels guilty. Somebody will probably end up being hurt.

There are more, but I'm tired of typing. And yes, I have become aware of all of these within the last 6 months. Drama, right? Ugh. And no, I'm not necessarily involved in any of them. It doesn't matter, so don't bother speculating.

From all of these experiences, and from the things I know about life and about me, here's what I think right now: I don't think we should impose on ourselves any kind of norm, like there is in the straight world. Those rules have been imposed on us by our hetero-normative Christian society. If it works for some couples, wonderful. If it doesn't work for others, they shouldn't feel they're wrong for trying out different arrangements. Monogamy shouldn't be the default. The couple should talk about it and do what's right for them. And then they should KEEP talking about it, all the time, because their feelings will change. They should be willing to re-evaluate not only the rules about monogamy, but the relationship itself. There's no reason to fool yourself and stay in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Life is too short.

My totally unsubstantiated guess is that if all gay guys were truly honest about what they want, most would like to try an open relationship (or at least they'd like to sleep around themselves, if not also let their partner do it). And most relationships would fall apart as a result. So maybe gay guys aren't cut out for "til death do us part," unless they truly have found the one they're meant to be with forever, and either have eyes only for each other, or can withstand the competition and avoid the jealousy. When you've got two people in a relationship who are visually oriented and hard-wired to sow their wild oats, it's hard.

In my case, an open relationship would be ideal. But it could only work if the communication was COMPLETELY open and honest, and if I could somehow believe that the sex my guy was having was ONLY of the "just for fun, no emotion involved" variety. I would have to know that he loves only me, and will love only me forever. Of course, that's impossible. The more he sleeps with others, the more likely he is to find somebody else he loves more. And the less likely he is to want to tell me about it, because he'd know I'd be hurt. The lies will snowball. I will get hurt. And that, of course, is why we insist on sexual monogamy: to protect emotional fidelity.

I do believe what I said earlier, that life is too short to be with somebody you no longer love. Emotional fidelity is stupid if you could be happier without it. But, of course, I'm a hypocrite. I believe it in theory, but not if it means the guy I love will leave me for somebody else. I want an open relationship, but I want a lifelong partner more. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I've bought into the hetero-normative ideal. And maybe it's unfair and possessive and unnatural, but I think I would probably rather draw a line in the sand about sex with others, so that the emotions couldn't develop with others. The emotions could develop anyway, of course, but it's an effective prophylactic.

So what does that mean when it's all boiled down? In an effort to preserve a relationship one or both of us may not want forever if we knew better, I'd rather we both deny ourselves the opportunity to find somebody we love more? Or, more honestly, in order to prevent my lover from finding somebody he loves more than me, I'm willing to forego the opportunity to find somebody I love more? That doesn't sound very good.

I don't know. This is already too long and I'm hurting my head.

Thoughts?

the best kind of news

Well, the news is good! I don't have HIV. Of course, these tests aren't perfect so I won't know for sure until I get a clean bill of health at 3 months and 6 months. But my doctor insists I need not worry. There is very little chance I have HIV. I am so relieved, but will remain scared for 6 months.

First of all, I want to thank the MANY of you who took the time to try to comfort me. I wish I hadn't been so busy these last few weeks, or I would have tried to respond to each of you personally. I'm sorry I haven't posted about my thoughts in the meantime, but I just needed to try to distract myself and proceed as if life were normal. Thank you for your patience. It means A LOT to know that there are people out there who care about me. It was (and continues to be) a rough period.

I have to say, it was really disheartening that some people were intentionally cruel, and others were insensitive. Having been blogging for 3 years, I have attracted my share of trolls, so my skin is pretty thick. But if there are people who would be mean to me in this situation, I imagine they are mean to others in this situation. It's just sad. Telling me I don't have a right to post about other (frivolous) things until I gave you an update...Telling me the doctors are lying about my life expectancy chances to make me feel better...Telling me that there is a 100% chance I will eventually get AIDS...that's just mean. Even if you're correct, sometimes its best to just keep your mouth shut. Just because you don't know who I am doesn't mean I don't have feelings. For those of you that acted in bad taste, I hope that if you ever run across someone else in this situation, you will think about how you would want others to treat you.

But for the vast majority of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are good people.

I realize I have a bit of a soapbox here, and I just have to use it because this is so important. Most of us weren't around for the big AIDS epidemic in the 80's, so we don't realize how serious it is. So, a few thoughts.

Yes, I was told about Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). Thank you for the suggestion. As somebody said, it's best if started 1 to 2 hours after exposure, and I didn't find out about my friend's status until about 2 weeks after the sex that would have exposed me. While it's good for people to know PEP is out there in an emergency, I don't want you thinking it's some "morning after pill" that will solve all your problems. It is NOT a substitute for safe sex. It's just a hail mary pass after you've fucked up.

Some people said things about the disease in an effort to try to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. But I wouldn't want somebody reading this and thinking they're getting a sufficient education about HIV. It may be true that HIV is fragile and in some circumstances hard to transmit. It may be true that there is a low likelihood of transmission if people have low viral loads (and if you want to date a guy with HIV, I highly recommend you look into it, because you CAN have a safe sexual relationship with an HIV positive guy. There is NO reason not to date a guy just because he's HIV positive...don't discriminate!)

But having said all that, you MUST proceed as if every new sexual partner has HIV. It is the ONLY safe thing to do. Do not assume he is negative. Assume he is positive! Even if you ask him and he says no, HE MAY NOT KNOW HIS OWN STATUS! My friend didn't. And some will lie (wouldn't you want to?)

This is sobering (or should be): Even if somebody says he just got tested yesterday and shows you his paperwork and a photo ID to prove it's real, he could still have HIV! The tests have a window period. The guy could have been infected the day before his test, and still get a negative result. But he CAN infect you! And if he was just infected, he probably has a very high viral load, and the chances are greater. Even if the guy is a total boy scout and would never lie (and is, in fact, NOT lying) you still need to be careful!

The ONLY time you should ever have unprotected sex is if you are totally monogamous, you get tested, you both remain monogamous (and protected) for 6 months, and get tested again. If you are both still negative, then it's probably ok to relax a little. HOWEVER, if there is a chance of cheating, then the whole cycle has to start over. And since gay guys seem prone to cheat (something I'm going to talk about soon), it's really not safe to have unprotected sex even with your long term partner. It's just not worth it!

If somebody is willing to have unsafe sex with you, then he has been willing to do it with other guys too. ASSUME THAT HE HAS HIV!!!

It is (apparently, though I'm not a doctor) true that different sexual practices have varying degrees of likelihood of HIV transmission. Being a top is slightly better than being a bottom. Pulling out before you cum is better than cumming inside (obviously). Receiving a blow job is better than giving one. Giving a blowjob is better than anal sex. Spitting is better than swallowing etc. But DO NOT assume that just because you're an exclusive top who always pulls out and never gives head means you can't get it. You CAN! If you have, for example, an 80% chance of not getting it, you still have a 20% chance of getting it! That's too high!

You should be aware of all sorts of things that increase your chances of getting it. There are many more to be aware of, which I recommend you study, but keep these in mind:

-If you brush your teeth, floss, visit the dentist or eat sharp things like chips right before giving a blowjob, you are much more likely to have small open wounds in your mouth through which the virus can travel. Saliva and stomach fluids may be inhospitable environments for HIV, but if you have a direct path into your bleeding gums, it's not good.

-If you use the wrong size condom or use the wrong kind of lube, the chances of it breaking are much greater, and the chances of transmission are higher.

-Lamb-skin condoms (why do they even make that shit anymore??) may keep you from getting pregnant, but they will NOT stop HIV.

-The sluttier the boy you're sleeping with, the greater likelihood he has come into contact with HIV recently and doesn't know it.

-If you or your partner trim your pubic and/or ass hair (and please, you should), you may have a razor mishap and have bleeding wounds right in the neighborhood that matters most. You probably can't see your own asshole, so just assume you nicked yourself. And since you probably trim right before a hot date, it's probably still bleeding by the time you get in bed. I don't know about for y'all, but sometimes condoms don't reach all the way to the base of the dick, so there is some exposed (potentially bleeding) dick skin coming into contact with exposed (potentially bleeding) ass skin. Not good.

You should, of course, also make yourselves aware of all the other STDs out there, which you can still get even if you do everything you should to avoid HIV.

I'm being overly cautious now, and yes, I AM trying to scare you. It would be ideal if we all came to a happy medium and actually knew all the dangers, but also knew what was safe. Then we wouldn't unnecessarily discriminate against our HIV+ brothers as if they're lepers. Let me repeat what I said before. You CAN have a safe lifelong sexual relationship with a guy who has HIV. There is nothing to be afraid of if you take the right steps. But since I think our community has swung too far to the unsafe side, it's best to just assume everybody you sleep with has it until you know otherwise. It's good to be a little scared. If you live in a big city and sleep around a bit, chances are you already HAVE slept with somebody who has HIV. So just be safe, and you won't have anything to regret.

I'm glad so many of you wrote to say that my story caused you to get tested. Please do! All of you! It's usually free, it's very quick, it's anonymous, and you'll get peace of mind. It's not fair to sleep with other people and not know your own status. Go get tested!

Please go to this website to learn more about HIV. We could ALL stand to learn something new.

Thank you again for showing you care. It was very special.

wow, life.

My life has become a whirlwind of awesomeness lately. (And for those of you who are concerned, more on my health later. Not ready.) Just to warn you, this is going to be one of those posts that is more diary entry than entertainment. So if you are one of those people who hates it when I name-drop without actually using the name, or when I use other devices to protect the innocent, stop reading now. I'm writing it so that when I'm 80 I can remember how great life was.

So, gosh, I don't even know where to begin. I finally decided to go to Italy, and because I was able to use air miles, the whole ticket was like $250. Score! I've had a good deal of success planning the itinerary and making reservations, even though it's high season and I'm doing this last minute. I got a little worked up for a while there, and my travel buddy had to e-backhand me and tell me to get a grip. So now I'm just relaxing and going with the flow. After all, even if we end up having to sleep at the train station, it will be an ITALIAN train station. We got some good advice from his spiritual mentor, and that guy has awesome taste (Josh and Josh would agree), so it's going to be a FREAKING AWESOME trip. I also worked it so that I can visit friends in New York on my way home, so I'm really excited about that. Yay!

In the middle of the week I had a rough patch. A friend had told me earlier in the night that he was tired and wanted to relax. I know for a fact that was bullshit. He really just wanted me to leave him alone so he could order a "massage" on Craigslist and get a handjob. So anyway, I texted him to offer him something (basically to offer a favor on top of a favor...no, not a handjob) and his response was "stop bugging me." Taken at face value, not a big deal. I was bugging him, and he wanted me to stop. But there was NO reason for him to be so mean! He could have just not responded. Or said "can we talk about this tomorrow? goodnight." Or something! I just thought it was unnecessarily harsh, especially since the subject of the text was me doing something nice for him! It was especially ironic, because just a few hours before, he'd said I was his best friend in LA (and he doesn't say things like that unless he means it). But I guess it was because he had said it that I was able to resist snapping back at him. We are, indeed, close enough friends that he can say things like that and I know he still loves me. So I had kinda a poopy 24 hours, since I don't like it when people are mean to me. But then he called me and it was as if nothing happened, so all was well. In fact, I overheard him tell somebody later that it's a sign of our close friendship that he can just tell it how it is with me and doesn't have to pussyfoot around. True. And he said he loved me later in the weekend, so its ok. So I guess it was a good thing. Anyway, if slight rudeness is the worst that happened to me all week, I'm doing damn good.

Thursday night was unexpectedly fun. I was working late, and at about 10 a friend called and said he was hungry and wanted to pick me up for dinner. I said I'd get a drink with him, so we went to Hamburger Mary's (for the last time). We had an awesome conversation. He opened up to me about his relationship with his Dad, and I almost cried. I love this guy so much, so it was incredibly hard to hear him saying such sad things. They were doing tranny karaoke, so we got saw some interesting characters. And some old guy came sidling up to our table at one point and started saying he loved my profile and my friends jeans, and made not-too-subtle insinuations that he was dreaming of a threesome. Yikes!

We left there around 11:15, and instead of driving me home my friend drove me to a party in the hills at the home of a certain notable Hollywood bigwig. It was a very small party, so I got a chance to talk to just about everybody there. I was talking to one guy who I thought I recognized, and then realized I knew his name/face because somebody had been telling me about a threesome he'd had with this guy and his boyfriend (who was also there). An observer could probably see the lightbulb go on above my head when I figured it out, "BING!" I also found myself talking to this funny guy with a great vocabulary. We had met before, briefly, but finally had a good conversation, and I think he could be a good friend. I also talked to this cute guy who it turns out is dating my (I thought straight, until right then) friend. I also talked to the host for quite a while, who was surprisingly humble, gracious, smart, and sexy. Who knew? I really liked him. Anyway, I stayed there until 3am and was completely wrecked the next day. But it was worth it.

The next morning I woke up, got ready for work, and then almost had a heart attack when I opened my living room door to find a boy sleeping on my couch! He'd come in sometime between 3 and 7am. I guess he knew where the keys were, and his alternative was to ride home with a drunk driver, so he chose to break into my place instead. Good choice.

Friday night I met three friends for a drink at the home of one of them in the hills, and then we went to a fabulous restaurant in Beverly Hills and sat at a table next to Larry King and a blonde who was way too young to be his. We drank three bottles of some of the most delicious red wine on Earth (the label of one of which will undoubtedly be a future guest star on this blog). We had expected to go out after that, but we had such an incredible time at dinner that we stayed until midnight. We were all too tired, full and drunk to even move after that, so we all just went to bed. My friend was the sober sister, and since I'd picked him up at his place, he just dropped me off at mine and took my car home with him.

Saturday morning I just got some stuff done around the house because I was car-less, drove a friend to a class and back once I got the car, had Thai for lunch with him, got a tan, and then drove to my parents' house for some travel goodies (like suitcases, money belts, airplane pillows etc). I then drove to my travel-buddy's house to take him half of the loot and loan him my car for a date he had later that night. I know, I know, I'm WAY too nice. I shouldn't loan people my car for any reason. And he scraped the chrome rims on the curb backing up. *sigh* I told him it's a really good thing I love him, because he knew I wasn't happy.

I drove home in his POS, and walked down to the Pride festivities to see if I could persuade "The Guy I'm Going to Marry" to hang out with me. TGIGTM doesn't know he loves me yet, but he's warming up. I've had a crush on him for over three years, which he knows. He tolerated me for some of that time, and then decided he actually likes me about 2 years ago. We fucked a couple times, which was fun, but not meaningful. Anyway, he was dating some lame-ass until pretty recently. But I was patient and persistent. I went to hang out with him at Fiesta the weekend before last, and the next day he IM'd to say he'd had an epiphany and I'm a really good person and he wants to hang out with me more. Strangely, he'd been on a blind date with somebody else when I'd seen him out. Funny time to have an epiphany! I'm not getting my hopes up, but it seems he is coming around. Persistence pays off! We've been texting frequently, making plans, flirting. It's been nice. So anyway, I tried to get him to hang out with me Saturday night, but he couldn't. So I hung out with another friend and a friend of his. We ended up at another friend's house in the hills, and had one of the most memorable nights of my life. It was just the four of us in his living room, but we had SO MUCH FUN listening to music, talking, drinking and what-not. It was SO much better than being packed in some sweaty gay club for Pride. This was the civilized way to celebrate relationships with quality gay men. I will never forget it. I feel like I really bonded intensely with them that night.

Sunday morning I cleaned house a little, risked black lung disease by chopping a giant hole in the roof of a closet with power-tools (a long story I'll tell some other time) and then walked to the parade route for Pride. I ran into some friends on the route and watched it with them. It was fun, as expected. Nothing really shocks me anymore. And nothing particularly moved me either. I expected more poignancy because of Prop 8, but I didn't see too much different from years past. I enjoyed seeing Gavin Newsom and his wife. Hot! Both of them!

After that I went over to the festival on San Vicente. I'd never been before because I was always too cheap to pay the $20 entrance fee, but TGIGTM was in there and wanted to see me, so I paid. It was interesting! I got some good tips on green remodeling, picked up some free condoms, and ate some yummy Hawaiian BBQ and soft-serve ice cream. Mmmm, fattening carnival food. I hung out with TGIGTM for quite a while, which was great. We kept hugging goodbye, and then talking a little more, and then hugging goodbye again. And each time, the kiss on the cheek would get a little closer to the mouth. The final time, it was kinda a half-lips kinda kiss. Yes! Hot. He's so cute!

So then a friend came and picked me up. He may or may not have had a threesome the night before with a certain someone who must not be named, but I guess it's none of my business. I didn't ask for more details than he offered (which was plenty). We drove to the appointed shuttle stop and headed up to Roland Emmerich's house for the big pride pool party. That was definitely (i) the nicest house I've ever been to in LA that was not a museum, and (ii) the most hot young "A-gay" boys in one place I'd ever seen. You couldn't throw a dildo without hitting a model.

I spent most of my time mingling with old and new friends. I'm not sure how it happened, but I ended up standing alone for about an hour chatting with a certain super-talented auteur (I've always wanted a reason to use that word in its proper context) whose work I've raved about in the past. I didn't know who he was when I started talking to him, but that made it even more fun. We really hit it off, and spent a bunch of time talking to a good friend of his too, who I also liked. I ran into a guy I'd met at a Cinco de Mayo party and had a little crush on. We had a somewhat awkward, but kinda hot, prolonged hug that was kinda like "ummm, are we about to kiss?" We didn't, but it was fun tension. I spent some time talking to some of the characters I'd met Thursday night, and really seemed to cement a budding friendship with one of them. I'm not sure why people sometimes pour their hearts out to me, but they do. I got a really sweet and meaningful hug from an old friend. I don't know why it touched me so much, but it just seemed special. I was sitting by the pool under a cabana, and hadn't seen him in a couple hours. When he found me his face lit up, he said he'd been looking for me, and he put his arm around my shoulder and pulled my head into his side and kinda ruffled my hair. I dunno, it was just a sweet gesture.

Anyway, Candis Cayne performed and looked beautiful as always. I think I made a video of it but I'll have to download it. I had a good view from directly across the pool.

I had a bit of an awkward moment toward the end of the night when a great friend of mine showed up hoping to see me, and I said hi and walked around with him, and then promptly left with somebody else. It wasn't meant to be a snub, but it seemed to come off that way. I feel bad, but what can you do? I left pretty early to wind down before the beginning of the work week.

So that was it! I'm super busy this week, and didn't really have time to write, but I just had to get this all out before I forgot it more than I already have.

Italy advice

First, I would like to thank all of you for your responses to my post last week. I am not ready to process all of that yet, but I will in good time. But it means a lot that you care that much.

Anyway, I am 99% sure I'm going to Italy, and I don't have a lot of time to plan, so I need your wisdom. The dates are set, so I just have to buy a ticket and suck it up. Prize goes to Micifus Phil for pointing out the new Bing travel site. It has worked great so far. I will continue to check out the ones you all suggested. Thanks!

I am sprinkling in some pictures of a gorgeous example of humanity I spotted the last time I was in Venice a couple summers ago. Thank God for telephoto lenses, and Italian boys. Yum!

Here's the scenario: I have been to Italy at least 5 times, and I've seen most of the major touristy bits, some multiple times. Rome, Florence, Venice, Verona, Pisa, Sorrento/Capri, Sicily, Pompeii, the Amalfi Coast (oh, Ravello!) and some cute little towns like San Gimignano. So, I don't particularly care where we go, except that I've not been to the Cinque Terre.

My travel companion, on the other hand, has not been outside the US, ever. So the real fun of the trip for me will be showing him the magic of Italy, giving him a taste for world travel, and basically showing him a good time. He doesn't have a lot of money, and I don't want to spend a lot. The reality is that I will probably subsidize some stuff that I really want to do that he can't afford, but that makes it all the more important to save money on things like trains and lodging.

It's not settled yet, but we may only have 5 days to travel together, but 7 at the most. So I need to put together a kick-ass 5 day itinerary, that could be easily extended to 7. It looks like we'll probably be flying roundtrip through Milan. (I know, eww. We won't spend much time there.)

I have never traveled with him, but my guess is that he's not going to be one of those travelers who just HAS to see XYZ because everybody says you have to see it. I suspect he will be content to skip the 3pm tour of the Uffizi if we're enjoying a good conversation over wine in the plaza. He's the type that remembers the sounds of a city more than the museums. He feels things rather than talks about them. So I'm thinking it's probably more important to find romantic vistas and a feast for the senses, rather than tick off a list of must-see sites.

That being said, here are some thoughts off the top of my head to offer to him as options:

- Cinque Terre (pretty much a definite, because I want to go there.)

- Rome (primarily the forum and the Vatican (I don't particularly care about the Vatican, but he was raised Catholic, so he might.) I've been to Rome a couple times, but he probably should see it.)

- Florence (I honestly think it's kinda overrated, but I'm not sure we can miss it for his first trip. I need a new belt, anyway. The one I bought there last time is worn out.)

- I would like to go to a smaller, older town like Lucca or Sienna. If there's an "undiscovered" one, less touristy, that'd be good. Thoughts?

- It would be cool to stay in some quintessential Tuscan villa for a night and do wine tasting. He loves wine. Anybody know of a good place?

I would love to show him Pompeii and Ravello, two of my favorite parts of Italy, but I just don't think we have time to make it that far south. We need to concentrate with Rome as our southernmost destination, I'm afraid.

Ok, now, about getting around. My inclination is trains, because it's cheap-ish. But it's so limited by schedules, and we may see less just because we have to spend so much time at train stations. Is the cost of a rental car going to rape me? Does it make more sense to do a car since we'd have to buy two train tickets everywhere? What's the best/cheapest car rental in Italy? If I do trains, what's the best website for timetables and booking?

Where should we stay? I'm planning this too late, and it's peak travel season, so I'm guessing all the good hostels are full. On the other hand, maybe Americans are so poor/scared of the recession that they won't come. We don't mind sharing a bed, so cheap dive motels might be ok. Is there a network of bed and breakfasts I should know about? Or is couchsurfing the best bet?

Anyway, ANY advice anybody has would be greatly appreciated. Best restaurants, best day trips, best hotels, whatever. I'm all ears.

Oh, and did you notice the colors of the smaller bracelet on his left wrist? :D

Thanks in advance for your help!

come on, really?!

Somebody hit my car.

As if I needed that right now.

And I'm pretty sure he did it on purpose. I could be wrong, of course, but talking to him afterward, I got the distinct impression that he thought that a hard-working pickup driving salt-of-the-earth kinda man should not have to share the road with a young guy in a [_____], and a little bump was just what I needed.

His truck was barely scratched. Judging by the $1600 bill the last time I got a few scratches removed, the dents in mine are going to cost me a fortune. Maybe his (or my) insurance will pay for it, but it has already been a colossal hassle. I'm annoyed.

In other, much better, news, a friend called to invite me to go to Italy with him in the near future. I can't afford it right now, but I really want to go. I have a couple trips within North America that I've been wanting to do (NY and Montreal top the list) but I feel like those can be done more spur-of-the-moment when a great fare pops up, because the friends I want to see will always be there no matter when I go. I would only do Europe if a friend asked me. I haven't taken a day off work since I started over 1.5 years ago, so I should probably do it.

Also, this friend would be AMAZING to travel with. He is one of those people who soaks up experiences and really appreciates life. He'd savor the food. He'd want to run up a hill and spread out his arms and sing. He'd want to explore the little alleys and visit the local shops where the owner only speaks Italian. He's never been outside the US, so it would be wonderful to see Italy through his fresh eyes.

Does anybody know of a way to get discount airfare from Los Angeles to Italy (Rome, I guess, but Milan, Venice, Florence or even Genoa would do, if it's cheaper)? My credit card has this absurd policy that I can't pay the difference between the miles I can use and the full cost of the ticket. So I can't use my miles. Away.com isn't finding me any great fares. What to do, what to do.

titanic

The last survivor of the Titanic died today.

For some reason, this is significant to me. I have always been fascinated by the Titanic. When I was little, somebody bought me a kid's book about it. (I know, right? How odd to make a kid's book about a bunch of people drowning to death.) Ever since then, I've been fascinated.

I read a ton more about it, and of course watched the Leonardo DiCaprio movie when it came out. I visited traveling exhibitions of memorabilia in the UK. I went to see the exhibit at the Widener Library at Harvard (which was built as a memorial by the mother of a recent Harvard grad who died on the boat).

As a result of all this childhood fascination with it, I've always been scared of cruise ships. As you know, I've been on a couple cruises, so I overcame the fear. But I still have a HUGE phobia of being in the water next to a big boat. I don't even like being on a small boat in Long Beach harbor because of how close you can get to the Queen Mary. I hated when my cruises would use tenders to get us to shore, because you'd have to step out of the bottom of the boat right next to the water line.

I don't know if they still have this, but when I was little you used to be able to go down to the very bottom of the Queen Mary, where they'd cut a hole out of the bottom of the ship so you could see down into the water and look at the propellers. AGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It still gives me the creeps just thinking about it. I was plastered so tight against the wall of that little room. I had NO interest in going anywhere near that water. I don't even like the idea of sunken ships. If anybody ever tried to make me go scuba diving to a sunken ship, I'd probably faint.

Anyway, needless to say, the Titanic still has a profound effect on my psyche. In other words, it fucked me up. But I do like the history, and I think having a survivor still alive in the world gave us all an interesting direct connection to that history. Maybe now it's time for me to put that phobia to bed.

the worst kind of news

He was so cute. Shorter than me, like I like. Happy smile. Beautiful dark, expressive eyes. Perfect skin. A few drinks in, I wasn't too shy to flirt, and it worked. He asked for my number, and then asked me to walk him to where his friends were picking him up. While we waited, we talked, and we kissed.

The next morning I texted him and asked for a date. He said yes, then no. I cajoled him back to yes, and picked him up at 7. The food was fine, but watching his eyes was a joy. What a beauty! We kissed more, walked hand in hand, and he spent the night. When we woke up the next morning, we brushed our teeth, and spent a couple more hours in bed. Much the same thing happened the next weekend.

When talking the following weekend, he mentioned non-chalantly that he had a doctor's appointment the next day that had him nervous. He'd had a routine HIV test, among other things, and he thought it strange that they were requiring him to come back in rather than give the results over the phone. I comforted him, since I'd never heard of HIV results being given over the phone, either way. After all, I reasoned, if it's bad news every time you have to come in, then they might as well just tell you over the phone, because saying you have to come in is the same thing as saying you're positive, but also torturing you with the wait. So it must be some other reason.

I was somewhat comforted by my own words, but not really. I couldn't think of anything else. I replayed in my mind, over and over, our sexual encounters. Did his cum touch anywhere that it could get in? Had my gums bled when I brushed my teeth that morning before doing it again? Had I eaten anything coarse that might have cut my mouth? I couldn't focus on work. I texted him, asking him to call me as soon as he was done with the doctor, because I couldn't think of anything else.

At 2:15pm, I got a text: "I knew there was a problem. They never call me into the office if everything is fine. I tested positive..."

and immediately thereafter

"I'm sorry you need to go get tested...I don't know how to deal with this."

I instantly got hot and flushed, and panicked a little bit. I didn't know what to do. I called my doctor and set up an appointment immediately. I left work and called a friend on the road. He was, ironically, at an AIDS conference in Chicago at the time. He assured me that what we'd done was relatively low risk. Regardless, I was terrified; while in the waiting room, I lost the very nice lunch I'd had.

My friend told me what to ask for, and my doctor gave me, a "viral load" test, which costs a lot more but has a shorter window period and is more accurate than the typical mouth swab thing. But it takes a lot longer to get results. The doctor and I talked quite a bit. He said that while HIV is no walk in the park, it's not a death sentence these days, and life expectancies are very long. As far as managing the disease goes, it's more along the lines of diabetes; it's annoying to have to constantly take pills and worry about your health, but it doesn't otherwise interfere with your life.

By the time I left the doctor's office, it had only been about an hour and a half since I'd found out, so I hadn't really had time to process it. I called my friend again, and for the first time since I was probably 12, I cried. I mean, I've cried since then, but only superficial crying, like in a movie. This was the first time I'd cried about something going on in my life. And certainly the first time I'd cried in front of another person. I was scared, and above all, lonely. I just needed a hug, but the guy who may have infected me wasn't talking to me, and I couldn't tell my family because they'd just worry unnecessarily. I felt completely alone, and I was. My friend insisted he was flying out to be with me, which was sweet, but I knew that would just stress me out even more because I'd have to think about it the whole time he was here.

I did talk to the guy after leaving the doctor's office. Strangely, I wasn't mad at him. My first reaction was to try to comfort him. But I don't really know him, and when something life-changing like that happens, I imagine you don't want to have to deal with the random guy you may have just infected, even if he's trying to be nice. He asked me to give him time to deal with it, so communication stopped.

I decided not to go back to work, and decided to go to the gym. My thought process was: dating is pretty much over for me if I have HIV. It's hard enough to find a guy with only 10% of the male population to choose from. When you have to drop that bombshell into conversation before sleeping together, things get a bit more complicated. So I felt like if I dedicated myself to the gym, I would not only be healthier to combat the disease, but I'd be more attractive.

But I got lazy, and was too worked up. Instead, I did research. I wanted to know EXACTLY how risky I'd been. What were my chances of getting it? What were my chances of staving off AIDS? What kind of drugs might I have to take? What kind of communities were there for guys with HIV? I read a report I'd written about this topic in school, which reassured me some. I read probably a dozen websites top to bottom. I looked up stats with the CDC. I called hotlines.

As it turns out, there's an HIV testing site and resource center within walking distance of my place. Of course, right? It is West Hollywood. I went down there and asked them a ton of questions, mostly to have personal confirmation of what I'd read online. They too assured me that what I'd done was pretty low risk. I got one of the 20 minute mouth swab tests. I knew I was still well within the window period, and it couldn't possibly come back positive even if I had it. But it made me feel better to get the results and hear them say the words "negative." I made a hefty donation to cover the wasted test, and because I was overwhelmed with appreciation that they are there for people who need them.

I looked up movies to try to distract myself, but there was nothing I wanted to see. I sat and did a lot of thinking about life, and life with HIV. My great uncle died of AIDS in the 80's, but I don't know that I ever met him, and if I did I was too young to understand. I had only known one other guy with HIV, in Boston, and had a giant crush on him. I recalled how much I'd wanted to kiss him, but also the conflict I'd felt over whether I'd really want to be in a relationship with him. I knew that is how people may react to me.

I thought about what my friend must be going through, knowing for certain that he really does have it. I thought about what his parents must be feeling, and how crushed my family might be when they find out. I went through a bit of "how could this possibly happen to me?" I am always so careful. I always use a condom. I almost always ask the guy (though it was now crystal clear that even if they tell the truth, they may not know themselves). I wondered whether the guy felt bad for possibly infecting me, and whatever other guys he'd been with, or whether he was only focused on himself at that moment. I wondered whether, if I were in his shoes, if I would feel guilty. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it. After all, there shouldn't be any stigma to it. By reacting like this, am I betraying HIV-phobia? Maybe. On the other hand, how could I not react this way? It's one thing to be totally cool with somebody who has it, and another thing entirely to have it yourself. I took a sleeping pill and got some peace.

When I woke up and realized what had happened the day before, I promptly vomited. Every time I think about it I gag. Thankfully I'm not hungry, so there's nothing in my stomach to lose. I'm sure I'll lose weight. I suspect, like with everything else, the shock will probably wear off, and I'll get hungry eventually. Obviously I can't think of anything else. I don't know how I'll get through daily life waiting for the test results.

I suppose I'm not totally alone. This blog is more-or-less anonymous, but not totally. I know a number of my real-life friends read this. And I know there are a number of people, especially from Boston, who read this blog who know me in real life, but who I don't know are reading it. If you are one of those people who know me in real life, I need you to write to me now, whenever you read this, even if it's a year after I post it. Email or Facebook. I won't be mad that you've been reading it, even if you promised you wouldn't read it. It's important to me. Please.

memorial day

You know what, I'm having trouble keeping up with my list of things to post about. The truth is, I'm just too busy out living life to stop and write about it. And then once a week or two has passed, I don't always remember the fun details.

Anyway, I had a really great weekend. On Thursday afternoon I went over to my friend's house to help him prepare for a dinner party, and the party was amazing. Incredible food. Beautiful flowers. And a great group of people, ranging in age over 30 years between the oldest and youngest guests. I met a couple really cool guys who I want to befriend. I also now have a crush on a 48 year old woman I met there, so I guess it's about time to wrap up the gay blog. Just kidding. About the blog, not the crush. I really do have a crush. I did within the first 5 minutes! She told me she told our host that when we met, we had a special connection. And when I got home and googled her, I found out she has Emmys! We're gonna get drinks.

On Friday after work I had a business meeting with a friend for this project we're working on, and we made a ton of progress. We made the first really big decisions and started implementing, so that was satisfying. And it was really fun, too! Its cool to brainstorm with creative people. We then went for sushi with a friend, and were headed bowling but found something FAR more interesting to do. I love friends who challenge me to experiment, be more myself and live life to the fullest. We also watched a couple bootleg movies with some really fun scenes, and developed ideas for a cool photography project we've been talking about. We also went to the market to check out some magazines for some ideas for another project. That night definitely marks the start of summer! I didn't leave there til about 3, took a bit of a nap (but never really slept) and left at 7:30 for vacation with my family.

On the way there somebody hit my car, and didn't pull over. I called the highway patrol, but just as I was finally getting connected we happened to drive past an officer. I hope insurance pays, because it's going to cost a fortune to fix my car. Bah.

The weekend was amazing and relaxing. I spent a lot of time working on that project, but also played with a new toy we got for Christmas and hadn't had a chance to try. I got a fun phone call from a friend telling me about a threesome he'd had. I saw Angels and Demons (meh) and started reading a new book. I caught up on sleep a bit, and when I was driving home a friend called and invited me to a pool party. After that we came back to my place and checked out a website we'd been talking about, and then to his house for a few minutes of fun. After that we went for some amazing sushi. Ever since early Saturday morning I've been getting a bit sick, so now I'm just relaxing watching a movie a friend was in when he was a kid.

Such a great weekend!

Adam Lambert

I intend to post something more substantive soon, but I just want to use my bully pulpit to tell you to pick up your phones and vote for Adam Lambert on American Idol tonight! It's easy. You just figure out what number to call (toll free) and then hit redial for 2 hours.

Don't be complacent! Don't assume everybody will vote for Adam so you don't have to! Kris will get the Gokey fans!

Why vote for Adam? Well, let me tell you.

For one thing, Adam is CLEARLY the better singer and performer. You may not like his particular style, but really, is anybody going to remember Kris by this time next year? If he wins, he'll be the next Ruben Studdard. Who? Exactly.

Watch what I think were his two best performances here and here.

Granted, Kris Allen is sex on legs, even despite the ridiculous faces he makes. But I have it from an extremely reliable source that Adam is an excellent kisser. For what that's worth.

Also, freaking Bill O'Reilly has made it into a culture war battle, and we just can't let that douchebag win. If you haven't seen it, he has been doing stories about how "Adam might be a homosexual" *gasp* and how Americans historically tend to vote for the outspoken Christians (like Kris Allen) on American Idol. The not-so-subtle subtext is that O'Reilly's rabid conservative haters should vote for the Christian so that the homo doesn't win. Really, can we let him do that? No.

Finally, most importantly, and what is actually motivating me: Adam is an incredibly sweet, humble, charming and talented guy. None of this fame has gone to his head. He deserves to win.

VOTE!!!

big things going on

I have some big stuff going down, but I'm not ready to talk about it. And it has me super busy. In the meantime, I have something for you to chew on. I'm very curious to get people's reactions:

A gentleman never runs to catch a train. It is undignified. He should not have been late in the first place. It is unacceptable to do a second undignified thing in order to try to fix the first.

I have a feeling our old friend London Preppy will have something to say about this, as he has a keen sense of what is dignified.

As for the rest of you...

Thoughts?

lookin' good

For the last couple days, I've felt good looking, and it is such an unusual state of affairs that I think it merits a post (if for no other reason than I can refer back to it when I'm feeling bad again).

My horrid body-wide burn has mellowed into a perfect golden tan (with hot tan lines). My morning "workout" (if you can even call it that) seems to have paid dividends. The 6-pack isn't there yet, but my abs aren't just one boring plank, and when I dance or catch the light just right you can see some promising definition. I never had moobs or a muffin top or anything, but I think my chest is looking tighter and my v-muscles are more pronounced.

I hadn't bought a new bathing suit in about 5 years, so the one I have been wearing is dirty, out of style, and way too big (I have to cinch it up as tight as possible, and you can still see my pubes if I don't hike it up every minute or so). A friend dragged me to the store and made me try on these supergay little box-cut numbers. I would NEVER have even considered something like that on my own, but he insisted. As I was strutting around looking in mirrors, he accosted this classic old queen and said "Come on, tell me, doesn't this make his dick look big? Doesn't he look good in these?" With a dramatic flourish and great comic timing the guy looked down, in a breathy drag queen voice said "TOO good", and put his hand over his mouth, ducked his head, and scurried off like he was embarrassed. hahaha!

Needless to say I bought them and wore them all weekend by the pool. At first I was shy. It's true that my pubes were finally covered, but you could see a full outline of everything else, and when it got wet it didn't leave much to the imagination at all. And, as you know, I hardly ever let anybody see my body because I don't like how it looks. But then I saw myself in a mirror wearing nothing but these shorts, a chain, sandals and sunglasses, and thought "If I saw myself at a pool right now, I'd totally want to do me."

That realization (and it's probably the first time since I was a hot little twink in high school) had an amazing effect on me. I don't remember ever having affirmatively described myself as looking good in my OWN eyes on this blog. I know I've relayed what other people say, and have acknowledged that (objectively) I suppose I'm decent based on what other people seem to think. But I almost never subjectively think I look good. And that feeling often holds me back. I won't take a chance flirting with a cute guy (unless I'm drunk) because I can't imagine why he'd want me. I won't try to escalate a relationship with a guy I like because, again, I can't imagine he'd be interested given all the other guys to choose from in LA.

But in the last few days, feeling like I look good has had a kind of domino effect in the opposite direction. Because I feel like I look good, I act like I look good. And because confidence is attractive, other people see me as looking good, and so I feel even better. One simple thing is that I'm standing up straighter and putting my chest out. Especially when I wear a bathing suit, I kinda cower into myself, thinking nobody can see me. But now I'm standing tall.

I went to a club the other night and (again, totally uncharacteristically) wore a body-hugging tank top I'd been coerced into buying. From the moment I walked in, all sorts of cute guys were paying me attention. One guy totally eye-fucked me as we passed each other, and when I smiled to acknowledge it he smiled a beautiful smile right back. Another guy seemed into me as we talked, but had a boyfriend so I backed off. Another kept wanting to grind with me and my friend in various combinations. As I was ordering a drink, one of the (HOT) go-go dancers came out from the dressing room, stood behind the bartender, smiled at me, and pulled his speedo down to show me his (HOT) junk. Another cutie I was talking to definitely would have gone home with me, but I wasn't driving and it would have been tacky to ask. I also got a massage a few days ago, and the super-cute masseur kept going for an extra 20 minutes more than I'd paid for because, in his words, I "inspired" him. As evidenced by my tumescence under the sheet, which he admired and took no pains to avoid brushing up against, I was inspired too.


Anyway, those of you who like to call me narcissistic in response to any post that mentions my looks (regardless of whether I'm also talking about my self-esteem problems) now FINALLY have something to legitimately bitch about! But I don't care. I think it's healthy, and in my case necessary, to celebrate the rare occassions when I actually feel good about myself.

P.S. Obviously none of these pictures are me, but this post gives me a rare excuse to post some pictures of hot boys by the pool.

every little step

So I want to talk about the movie I saw on Saturday. It is called Every Little Step, and you can see the trailer below.

Let me start off by saying I am not a Broadway gay. I don't really know the first thing about it. So don't be turned off or scared away if you're not a musical theater guy. I didn't really expect to like it either; I just went with a friend who really wanted to see it. But it was excellent!

It is the story of A Chorus Line, which even I know is an (maybe THE) iconic Broadway musical. It follows the process of casting the recent Broadway revival of the show, and also has flashbacks to the making of the original in the 1970's. Actually, now that I think about it, it's very meta...it's a movie about actors trying out for a musical which is a revival of a musical which is about actors trying out for a musical and is based on a series of conversations among a bunch of actors telling their stories about trying out for musicals.

I have to admit, I didn't have a whole lot of interest in the bits about the original production. I do remember when I was growing up my parents had the soundtrack, but wouldn't let me listen to it (presumably because it's a bit racy, but I don't know, I've never seen the show). So I was always interested, just because it was taboo, but that's about as far as it went.

The part I found really fascinating was the casting of the revival. They follow a couple of the actors, which made it kinda reality-TV-esque, in a way. Except these are not lame wannabes searching for easy and fleeting celebrity. These are real professionals, living their dreams. It was nerve-wracking, and had all sorts of emotion just because you are following these characters you have come to like as they try out for one of THE most important shows they could ever get. The stakes were super high, because they each knew that if they got in it would catapult their careers into the big leagues. I won't spoil it by telling you too much, but one of the auditions was so powerful it had the director of the show crying, as well as everybody in the movie theater, including me. Wow. It's worth seeing just for that.

But the REALLY good thing about the movie is the lessons I took from it. The first was just a throw-away line from one of the actresses, but it's so true: "If you have something to fall back on, you'll fall back." I'm not sure what she meant by that, but this is what I took from it: go balls out! Don't be careful. Especially in the last few years, but really for most of my life, I won't do ANYTHING I don't already know I will be good at. I don't take risks. I ALWAYS have a back-up plan, a way out, an excuse. And I think that's why I feel kinda stagnant. Just recently you all were giving me dating advice, and the best of that advice was to get out there in new groups and meet new people. Volunteer, join a club. But I don't! It's risky, and I might fail, so I don't. So, anyway, that was the first lesson.

The second, and the far more powerful, was from one of the other actresses: "You have to love yourself, because you can't count on anybody else to love you." This movie gave me SO! MUCH! RESPECT! for what actors do (and I'm not talking about movie stars, this is about every day actors trying to make it). I know you're all rolling your eyes, and I would have too before I saw this movie. Especially in LA! We all look down on the actors and think they're kinda silly and frivolous. They wait tables and go to auditions, and then when they're "working hard" they're just acting! How hard could that life be!? It sounds wonderful!! I find myself thinking "Jeezus, grow up and get a real job!" But now I understand how soul crushing it can be, and that I am FAR too weak to do what they do. I couldn't even begin to THINK about doing it.

There is NO way you can get a part in anything serious if you don't pour your heart out in the audition. You have to give it 100%. You have to "not have anything to fall back on." If you go in there trying to save your ego by saying "Oh, it'd be nice to get this part, but I don't really want it THAT bad," you won't get it, guaranteed. You have to be willing to admit not only to yourself (which is hard enough) but to everybody else that you WANT this. And as a result, you have to be willing to risk failure. You have to walk in there, stand in front of a group of people who are judging your every flaw, and you have to say "I am giving you everything I have, and this is the VERY BEST I can do. This is ME, standing in the center of a room all by myself. Everything in my life has led me to this moment, and I need you to tell me whether I'm good enough."

And after being so incredibly vulnerable, you have to be prepared for them to say no. And as an actor, you have to do that again. And again. And again. And again. And again. Some make it into A Chorus Line, and you feel great for them. But some people NEVER make it! They have to learn to love themselves, because they can't count on anybody else do to it. After being turned down for the twentieth time that year, having done their best, they have to find the strength to pack up their bag and work a shitty day job where they have to smile at weak, safe people like me, and then the very next night hold their head high and pick up the next script and try again.

And what I took from the movie (other than that I'm going to give my waiters a lot more respect) is that I don't have even 10% of that courage, self-love, or determination. My god, I can't even imagine what I could accomplish if I were willing to risk myself every day like that! If I would just go out on a limb ONCE like they do every day, either in my work, my extra-curriculars, my social life...everything could be different!

I don't know what it is actors have that make them so strong, but I need that. I need to find out how to get it.

Anyway, go see the film. Right now it's only playing in LA (at the Arclight Hollywood) and in New York, but it will go into wider release in May. Look for it. Here's the trailer:

v

great weekend

I had another great weekend. Friday night was a wonderful dinner party, where I got a glimpse of domestic bliss, homosexual style. It's great to see a loving, married couple and their kid, opening their home to friends. The conversation was great, and the night flew by too fast.

Saturday I just kinda bummed around with my parents, and at night saw a movie, which I'll talk about later this week, because I want to think about it some more first. After that I was driving over the hill and I suddenly got all queasy, light-headed and disoriented. I needed to pull over, QUICK, or we were going to be in trouble. There was no shoulder on the right, and I couldn't see any streets or driveways, so I suddenly swerved left at full speed, in front of on-coming traffic, and bumped my way into a driveway and slammed on the brakes before we ran through their gate. I don't remember what my friend was saying, but I remember the volume of his voice going up as we swerved across the road with headlights headed our way. I feel really bad for making him think he was going to die!

I put my head on the steering wheel and just tried to clear my head. He rubbed my back, which was sweet, but he was otherwise kinda clueless. That was kinda cute, I guess. He put the top down for some air, which helped. He offered to drive, and I should have let him, but I didn't. After we got to his place he asked if I was ok to drive and whether I needed to come in. But I knew I was going to start puking in T-minus 45 seconds and I didn't want an audience, so I told him I was fine, gave him a hug, and sent him in. As soon as he was out of sight I flew out of the car and to the gutter, where I puked for about 30 minutes, fighting off cockroaches. And no, I hadn't had a single drop of alcohol in days. I slept awful, puked again when I woke up, and then was fine. I have no idea what that was. Totally bizarre (one of the most over-used words by gays ever, by the way).

Sunday I went to a farmer's market with a friend and had a delicious chorizo, egg and avocado breakfast burrito. He made me a CD of this awesome DJ whose name I can't remember, and we were listening to that with the top down as he drove. If you haven't noticed a theme, I love to ride (not drive) with the top down and the music up. We then moved some furniture, and went to this lovely woman's house for some tea in her garden. Her house is this eclectic zen sanctuary. It's the kind of place where you could be harried from an awful day, but then you walk in, take one deep breath and a sip of pomegranate tea, and peace is restored. If I ever get a place of my own, I'm bringing her over for design tips. After that I went to a friend's house and bummed around with a couple of his (straight) buddies, talking about a project they're working on that involves a giant dick. That's a story I'll tell some other time.

After that I went to an exceptionally beautiful park with my entire family. We wandered around, talked, and took a lot of pictures. We then had Chinese food and chocolate cake, and now I'm home. On the way I almost crashed my car for the second time this weekend, but this time it was just good old fashioned recklessness. I was curious how fast I could take this hairpin turn. The answer? Not as fast as I tried. I started to spin out, and over-corrected, and then over-corrected again. But I made it. I won't do that again.

And now, back to the grind! Goodnight.

fried dick

Apparently they take their tanning a lot more seriously in LA.

Remember a couple years ago when I used to go tanning a couple times a week? I guess those machines were set for a low toast. Well, I must have had a nuclear powered machine this time. My skin tans pretty easily, so the parts of my body that usually see the sun were already pretty brown from driving with the top down. But I went in that machine naked, and my dick is burnt to a crisp. After 12 minutes. TWELVE!!

It looks bizarre...it's like a reverse farmer's tan. I pulled my undies down to show a friend, and the look on his face confirmed the horror I feel. The board shorts area is so red it makes the rest of me look pale in comparison. I can barely even wear underwear without crying.

I know, I know. You're all going to say I got what I deserve for my vanity. Yeah, yeah, shut your face. I just hope I don't get dick-skin cancer. I learned my lesson.

But my face looks great with this new tan! Next time I'm doing the spray-on.

jesus thinks you're a selfish bitch

I hate (HATE!) those stupid quizzes everybody is doing on Facebook. Actually, I don't hate them. I just hate that they constantly show up in my news feed thing. It's almost enough to make me give up Facebook. In fact, I'm thinking about it.

Anyway, today I saw one I liked. It totally caught me off guard, and I laughed so hard I spit red wine all over my desk.

hahahah! The Jesus I know and love would totally call somebody a twat if they deserved it.

tea-bagging, flying fat people, and jerking off

Be careful with the internet. A friend just sent me a video of himself (with face) jerking off. I assume it was a mistake. My guess is his email program auto-filled my address instead of whatever trick he was trying to contact. Yikes. Delete that shit, people, it's never a good idea.

I read today that United Airlines is going to start charging fat people for two plane seats (with conditions...only if the plane is full, they'll try to get them on a non-full flight etc). My first reaction was "it's about goddamn time!" I've been saying they should do that for years. Have you ever flown to Europe with a sweaty moob resting on your arm? Well I have, and it's not pretty. But now that it actually happened, I'm conflicted.

Somebody commented on the Chicago Tribune article: "Don't discriminate against fat people." First of all, that's stupid. We "discriminate" all the time for rational reasons. I "discriminate" against women when choosing who to date. My parents "discriminate" against other people's children when deciding who to buy gifts for at Christmas. My employer "discriminates" against people who haven't been to college when choosing who to hire.

There are multiple definitions of the word "discriminate." Presumably, the commenter meant "to make distinctions on the basis of class or category without regard to individual merit; show preference or prejudice." I suppose it's possible that the executives at United simply hate fat people. But I kinda doubt it. The other definition of "discriminate", which I think is probably more applicable, is "to make sensible decisions; judge wisely."

From a purely business perspective, it makes sense (until obese people outnumber non-obese people, which seems likely to happen in America). They get more letters complaining about fat people than they will from fat people complaining about having to buy two seats. Of course, we all know I don't think "majority rules" is an acceptable way to determine the rights of minorities.

However, I do think certain "discrimination" is merited, even when it doesn't suit me. For example, I HATE the FDA's blood donation policies (as I've discussed before). I think they're scientifically unfounded. But IF they were based on science...if letting gay people donate increased the risk of giving recipients HIV or hepatitis, then it would be legitimate to discriminate against gay people. Even though it would piss me off.

On one hand, many fat people don't want to be that way. I suppose its sorta analogous to me wanting my 6-pack back. I know what I have to do, but I also want ice cream, and I also want to sleep in rather than go to the gym. It's hard to change your body, even if you can. And some people can't...they're just big. Will we start charging super-tall people for the seat in front of them, since that person can't recline? I think that's also logical.

I guess it makes sense in this way: If you take up two seats, you should have to pay for them. If I eat two meals at a restaurant, I have to pay for both of them. Space on a plane (and jet fuel) are finite resources. If you use more than your allotted share (one seat, one bag up to 50 pounds, and one carry-on) then you should pay for that.

But it still just kinda seems wrong. It's embarrassing. It will lead to stigma at the gate when the attendant tells you to cough up another $400, or when they announce that they need people to switch seats so the fat lady can have an empty seat next to her. I don't know. It's a tough one. Thoughts?

And just one more thing that caught my attention today: Republican tea-bagging. I haven't read much about it, but I gather they're protesting taxes, a la the Boston Tea Party. My question is: Are they fucking kidding?!?! Did Democrats sound this loony when Bush was in power, or is this a whole other level of assclown? First of all, where were they when Bush started spending trillions on useless wars? Where were they when de-regulation got us into this mess? Second, Obama is CUTTING taxes for like 95% of Americans! Third, the Boston Tea Party was about "taxation without representation." You got to vote, and you lost, resoundingly. Your views were rejected by the people. Get your history right, asswipes. Fourth, we have to pay taxes!! How do they think this thing goes? If you want battleships to come save you when you're attacked by pirates, and you want schools, and you want interstate highways, you have to pay taxes! Americans are asked to do SO LITTLE for our country. 364 days of the year, we are encouraged to live as selfishly as we want. On April 15, we're asked to contribute a bit of our wealth to make the country run. Believe me, people, I got RAPED by the IRS today. I don't even want to think about what I could have bought with all that money. But it's fair! We all have to contribute! And I have more than most, so I should have to pay more than most. For God's sake, Republicans, shut the hell up.

Oh wait, one more thing. For the three of you who have not seen this yet, I love it! It makes me cry. Never been kissed! Awww!!

online dating

Red wine goes down easy for me, so if I say anything untoward, please disregard. I think I've had one glass too many. Happy Easter! Wheee!

So I'm thinking of trying online dating. It may seem like a strange thing to do in West Hollywood, where we've got cute gay boys coming out the ying yang. (Hmmm, not the image I meant to convey, but we're moving on.) I feel like I've been here long enough to conclude that it's not working for me. Yes, I seem to be able to have sex pretty readily. As nice as that is, it's not that fulfilling. And/or, someday too soon I'll be too old/unattractive/undesirable to make that work for me. It's time to have a real boyfriend. With the exception of that debacle a few summers ago, I have not actually dated anybody, really, since coming out. Pathetic! What has it been, like 4 years? How old is this blog? Ok, 3 years. (Wow, I've been doing this three years?! I'm a fucking machine!) Anyway, too long not to be dating! So I'm giving it a try.

A few problems:

1. In real life, one of my primary problems is that I go for good looks and youth over substance. (Why I do that is a whole other topic I'll get to someday.) I don't know why that would be any different online. I can try to develop the willpower to set my search parameters for like 25+ or something, and I can try to really evaluate the profile before passing judgment on the pictures. But the reality is, looks matter! As wonderful as some guy might be, I'm gonna have to suck his dick eventually, right?! And even worse, kiss him. And if he's fug, I'm not gonna be able to do it. Is there any reason to pretend that's not the case? And fuck you, don't call me materialistic. Admit it. Looks matter! And online, it's so much easier to just click "nope!" At least in a bar, you can be swept off your feet by his charm or wit or whatever. But when the best picture he has to post looks like Jabba the Hutt with buck teeth and zits...what am I supposed to do?

2. Related to the first point, but the paragraph was getting too long: the kind of guy I want to have sex with is very different from the kind of guy I want to marry. How do I reconcile that? I know the standard answer: If you love somebody enough, you'll want to have sex with him. Looks don't last anyway, so you have to be interested in the whole package. Blah, blah. I know. And I honestly do hope I find somebody I love so much I don't care when his boobies start to sag and he sprouts hair in unnatural places. I mean, that's the point, right? But how do you get to that point through an online dating service? There are thousands of guys, and they start to seem like trading cards. So you just discard them for trivial reasons: "Meh, big nose" or "Oh my, incorrect spelling in the profile, he's obviously cro-magnon" or "He doesn't drink...boring!" None of those are fair reasons to pass somebody over. But when you have thousands to choose from, you have to winnow it down somehow. So how does it work?

3. Online dating is far more efficient than real dating, but I still don't have time. I mean, eventually you have to meet one or two of these jokers. But you have to coordinate schedules, and what if they live in Tarzana or some shit? That's complicated. Sure, you get to cull out the chaff first, but still, people are crafty. They will present themselves one way online, and be something else in person. And I'm far too polite (really!) to just walk away. I'd sit through a date. And then I've wasted a perfectly good Friday night on some schlub.

4. How do you write a profile!? EVERYBODY says "The clubs are not my scene, but I can have a good time every now and then" or "I like a night out, but I'm also happy to stay home and cuddle while watching The Notebook on DVD" or "I'm looking for an intelligent guy who can challenge me to be a better man." Puke! I mean, all of that is true, right? For everybody! So if you take these profiles as evidence, EVERY HOMO IN LOS ANGELES IS IDENTICAL!! Who is going to say "I'm a total Weho flaming faggot drag queen hopped up on ecstasy every weekend. If you ask me to stay home and watch a DVD I'll claw your fucking eyes out." Nobody will say that. But there ARE guys out there like that! So everybody says the nice middle of the road shit to attract the widest audience. People say what they think people want to hear, rather than the truth. False advertising!

And just like that, I lost interest in finishing this post. I'm hungry and I need to go watch The Amazing Race. So I'll have to say more later. For now, I'll just have to wait and see who trolls me first: "You are such a shallow bitch you don't deserve to find anyone!"

In the meantime, has anybody tried online dating? Do you have any tips!? Even though I'm drunk, I do mean this: I want to find somebody special. I realize I have it good, but it's still hard. I want to love somebody, and be loved.

Andy

Today I was Facebook friended by a guy in my second grade class. I stalked him a little, and saw that one of his friends was a guy named Andy.

When I was in sixth grade, Andy was the hottest guy on Earth. Or at least at my school. He was a year older than me, and I was obsessed with him. One day I was doing a fundraiser for a club when he came up to buy something. I narrowly avoided having a heart attack, and I pocketed the 35 cents he handed me. Someday I’ll probably find it stashed away somewhere in the Ziploc bag I put it in. In 7th grade health class, when they gave us handouts showing the male musculature, I imagined that’s what Andy’s body looked like.

One day during PE, when I was in 8th grade and he was in 9th, he showed up and handed a note to the coach. I don’t know why, but for some reason he was joining our class for the day. We played whatever sport it was, and went in at the bell. Our coach was a stickler for showers…EVERYBODY had to take one, every day. I clearly remember I was standing in the locker area and looking toward the showers. Andy came walking out from my right, totally naked, and smiling at a friend he was walking toward. Perfect body. Seriously, perfect. I can still see his abs, all these years later. It was the first time I’d ever seen a penis that kinda stood out a bit even when soft, rather than hanging down. Every muscle was defined, and he looked even better than that health class handout. When I learned to jack off, it was Andy I was thinking about. I’d had crushes on boys before, but Andy was the first guy I had sexual feelings for. Oh man.

He went off to some fancy private high school, and I never saw him again. I didn’t really think of him again, until today. As it turns out, he’s a professional athlete. I’m not surprised. He has a beautiful fiancée. I friended him on Facebook, and he accepted.

what is it, assholes?

Congratulations to Iowa! As they say, "as Iowa goes, so goes the nation." I heard they can't put it on the ballot until 2012, and I think we will be in good shape by then. I'm sure everybody realizes how wonderful this is, so I don't need to say more.

But I'd like to ask the Republicans to clarify their position.

As you know, the Vermont legislature just passed marriage equality legislation. But Governor James Douglas said he will veto it because "the focus of the state's Legislature should be on the state's economic and budgetary challenges." Fair enough, if the Vermont legislature is really incapable of doing two things at once, fixing the economy is the more urgent concern.

Now Iowa has same-sex marriage. They're having a recession in Iowa too, right? So I assume Iowa Republicans want the legislature to focus on the economy. Oh, what? No? Overturning gay marriage should be the focus of the Iowa legislature?! Oh, WHAT A SURPRISE!!

Congressman Steve King from Iowa says:

Now it is the Iowa legislature’s responsibility to pass the Marriage Amendment to the Iowa Constitution, clarifying that marriage is between one man and one woman, to give the power that the Supreme Court has arrogated to itself back to the people of Iowa. Along with a constitutional amendment, the legislature must also enact marriage license residency requirements so that Iowa does not become the gay marriage Mecca due to the Supreme Court’s latest experiment in social engineering.

Fucking opportunist hypocrites. Either the economy is more important than gay marriage, or it's not. It would be nice if they had the integrity to just admit they're homophobic.

oh, one more thing

My friend (the author of yesterday's letter) just sent me this. I thought I'd share it, just in case you need a little Jesus in your life.

"I'm not homophobic! Some of my best friends are faggots!"

Well, at long last, here it is. This is my friend's response to this letter, which was a response to this letter. I'm thinking this is probably the end of this conversation, because I just don't have the energy. But I'll say more about that after you read it.


Hi Matt,

I hope all has been going well for you these past few weeks since you last wrote.

All is going well here, as [_____] and I just got back from a week of vacation in [______]. [_____]'s school had the week off for Ski Week, so we decided we would actually use the week for some serious out-of-state big mountain skiing. Ski Week, it sure seems like something we should have had at [_____], doesn't it? =) In any case, [_____] and I spent the week skiing in knee-deep powder, watching the snow fall, snowmobiling through [_____], reading by the fire and eating the tasty local cuisine. If you haven't been already, [_____] is a quaint little skiing/fishing/tourist town that I highly recommend you check out some day.

I know it has been a few weeks since you sent your last e-mail, attached below, but I wanted to be sure to respond after I had taken the time to think long and hard about your thoughtful e-mail.

As you well know, I am not typically a man of eloquence, but rather a man of truth, friendship and integrity. That said please allow me to explain why I wrote my initial response to you and why it said what it said. I'm sure I will stumble a bit, but bare with me as this is important and I do want to respond appropriately. I think, and certainly hope, that my e-mail will help you better understand why I responded the way I did in the short timeframe that I did. OK, I'll jump right in to the heart of my e-mail response with both feet.

First, thank you very much for writing back with your honest opinions and emotions. I hope you know that I value them very much and that I wouldn't write an e-mail with the intent of hurting you. Also, thank you for finding it in your heart to forgive me, a close friend, for what might have seemed to be an inappropriate e-mail following your postings on Facebook. I appreciate you being truthful in your response and I certainly appreciate the fact that you also value our friendship enough to write back even when you felt extremely hurt. Now let me try to explain the context of my prior response.

To set a bit of the timeline, I wrote my response to your honest and heartfelt Facebook message about one week after we had chatted via the phone. I wrote my note because I had not been completely honest with you on the phone, and that was killing me. When chatting you had asked if I was voting yes or no on Prop 8 and I told you that I was likely voting no. I said this as it seemed the easy way out of a potentially awkward/difficult phone conversation with good friend and because I knew that you would not have agreed with my honest answer. This response to your question was wrong and I knew it. That is why I responded about one week later, not because I had changed my mind on the subject, as you mentioned you had thought. From the minute I hung up the phone I knew in my heart that I did not want to continue on knowing that I told you something that was not true, especially on a subject so dear to you. Because I care for you as a friend, and really as a brother too, I needed you to know the truth. Your comment below, that some things are better left unsaid, is often true and maybe would have been a good option for me in this situation, but being who I am, I just couldn't leave our conversation with an incorrect statement.

As for my response, I should have taken the time to write a more lengthy and well thought out message to truly explain my full thought process after our phone conversation. I also should have chosen my words a bit more carefully. My short and quickly drafted response e-mail certainly didn't allow you to have the full picture, and understandably left you frustrated. As for my word choice, you are correct, I did use the phrase "sanctity of marriage" in my note, but I certainly did not intend to use it the way you thought it came across. I guess this is part of me working on my eloquence when drafting important letters/e-mails. In response to your comments below, just because I used this phrase "sanctity of marriage" does not mean that I am homophobic or that I believe it allows Christian homophobes to hide behind God. In fact many of our good friends in [_____] are homosexual singles or couples, and I do not have any issues with them, their partners or their partnerships with each other. However, I do agree that a different phrase, almost any other phrase, would have been more appropriate at that time. Especially after re-reading through your note on Facebook, which stated the way that you felt about that phrase. Apologies. In the end, we can certainly agree to disagree on the Prop 8 subject for now, but I hope this timeline and short explanation helps you to better understand where I am coming from and why I wrote a quick response when I did. I wrote it because I care about you as a friend, and not for any other reason.

As for the religion piece of this, I will not go into this too much until we can have a face-to-face conversation, as I know this is where we will likely continue to have some healthy disagreement conversations. As you mentioned, I don't plan to change my opinion quickly nor do I hope you would change yours. However, I must tell you in response to your e-mail that I do strongly believe God loves you just as much he loves me. God loves all of his children equally and that I truly believe. I also believe the word "marriage" and the partnership of a marriage was intended to be for one man and one woman in a life-long partnership together. Having said that, I have no issue with one man dating another man, nor do I have an issue with an eternal partnership between two men. To clarify, I believe that all homosexual couples entering a partnership or civil union should certainly have the same legal rights as a heterosexual couple that have entered marriage together. In the end, I hope you do know and believe that I will support you with any partner you choose to have and love in life.

All of this said, I hope you now know and understand why I wrote what I wrote when I wrote it. I also hope that you understand that you are one simply amazing friend that I would never want to hurt or lose. I know I have said it, but I would like to be clear that I absolutely support you being gay and I also wholeheartedly support you being able to love whomever you see as the best match for you in life. It is just the wording/meaning of what marriage truly is and means that we disagree, but that we can discuss at a later date or in another e-mail.

Please let me know when you are ready to chat. I am happy to chat via phone, e-mail or in person. I would be happy to make a trip down to SoCal to discuss this subject with you, as your friendship is incredibly important to me. Let me know, but no rush.

Have a great weekend and please don't hesitate to write back with your honest thoughts.

Your Brother & Friend For Life,

[_____]


My whole family read this, so I know it's not just me. This letter said absolutely nothing. Seriously, it has no substantive content whatsoever. In his defense, he's right, I didn't expect him to be eloquent. Shit, even his parents know he probably wouldn't have gotten into college if I hadn't practically ghost-written his application essay. But this was kinda insulting. Whatever.

Now I guess the ball is back in my court. Should I talk to him? Maybe, for "the cause." Do I want to? Not really. I just don't feel like it's worth it. There's no satisfaction in trying to educate somebody who isn't even starting from the same book. I mean, what's he going to say that I couldn't tear apart in a few words? He'd just feel attacked, and I'd be frustrated, and he wouldn't learn anything. He's like Rush Limbaugh or Ann Coulter or Bill O'Reilly. There's no point trying to talk rationally and make a point. His mind is made up, and it's based on nothing. So, as with all of Bill O'Reilly's guests, the choice is to either yell louder or roll your eyes and go home.

I'm sure I'll continue to see him socially. And he is kinda like a brother. But that doesn't mean I have to like him.

I know, I know. I'm wasting a potential vote in the 2010 election. I promise to convince at least 5 other people in exchange. I just can't do this one.

little bit of this, little bit of that

I try too hard. It's true. But he said he loves me, so I think that should do it. I hope this means it's over.



These songs remind me of bad gay stand-up, departure for D.C., puking my guts out, a 1906 portrait of a native american woman, boot camped abs and dripping hair, discussing the downfalls of fame over smoothies, "will you wash me?", a vibrating toyota spinning out in Laurel Canyon, a buffalo nickel in exchange for a stamped 21, the first person ever to pick up a knife and help cut a very mobile bag of strawberries, white feet on a blue silk rug + blue eyes watching and waiting for me and playing + "nice", white ceramic snake, aneros (eek!) and so much concentration, the art of the hair iron, cedar chest + 2x4 + miter saw, my car won't start for the american idol, bouncing...bouncing and a "three day load", red spray paint on the little pagoda, breakfast burritos, and the graduating class of 1945.



Also, I haven't recommended a product in a while, and sometimes I find stuff I just love and have to share. (No, I'm not getting paid to do it)

This is Diesel's Fuel for Live cologne. It's sex in a bottle. I highly recommend it.

what a weekend

I don't even know what to say about this weekend. It was awesome. I'm gonna have to abbreviate.

Some highlights:

On Friday, I ran into both Neil Patrick Harris (so much better looking in real life than I expected, and seemed cool too) and Ian Somerhalder (so gorgeous I ALMOST broke my rule of not fawning over celebrities I see on the street and asking for a hug. And he seemed kinda drunk, so I bet I could have gotten one too!)

I had dinner with somebody who is kinda (really) important in my area of work, and he hugged me (?!) I guess that's a good sign for my future.

This weekend I came THIS close to buying a freaking awesome fixer-upper Art-Deco influenced Spanish style house in the Hollywood Hills with a killer view of the whole city from the master bedroom and the two big roof decks, big living room with vaulted ceilings next to a tranquil patio perfect for entertaining, hardwood floors, native California landscaping, big piece of property with ideal topography, two car garage and its own recording studio (not that I'd have any use for that). Thankfully I had an inspector come out to see it...turns out the house is in the process of LEAVING the Hollywood Hills. Inch by inch, it's falling off the mountain. No wonder it was in my price range....

We had our annual St. Patrick's Day dinner, and my 80 year old grandma (the one who just had brain surgery) arrived from her nursing home wearing her little beret to hide her shaved head, walked through the front door, took a look at me, told me I'm too skinny, and punched me in the stomach. What a great improvement! She's spunky again! She could barely even walk a couple months ago, let alone let go of the walker long enough to sock anyone. The brain surgery worked!!

I attended perhaps one of the most fun and stimulating dinner parties of my life. It was in a stunning mansion (like walking through Architectural Digest) in a part of town I don't usually frequent, filled with beautiful art (each piece of which had a fascinating provenance) and everybody there had an interesting story. I didn't screw up the food I brought, so that was a major bonus. The host knew not only how to cook, but how to lead a good conversation. When you can get 11 people of widely varying ages, many of whom had never met, to open up and be vulnerable and funny and want to know more about each other, you're a damn good host. And when it ends with champagne, nudity and a hot tub, all the better.

For a while now I have had my eye on a guy I saw on TV (no, it's not Neil Patrick Harris or Ian Somerhalder). I kept telling my friends I had a crush on him, as a half-joke, thinking we'd never actually meet. To make a long story short, through a series of remarkable coincidences, good timing, and some ballsy flirting on my part, we ended up going out on a date. It was wonderful, and he keeps talking about being my boyfriend. Ummmm, wow. What's the appropriate cliche here? Dreams do come true? I dunno. We'll see about that. I'm still not past the stage of "WTF just happened?" I'll process the rest (including what I want!) later.

Finally, here's another song for you:



This is "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon

It reminds me of red wine in front of a fireplace, thwarted exhibitionism, foot massages, two pairs of underwear cinematically sitting alone in the middle of the living room, the babysitter, freezing on an aero-bed, tapas, an orange leather journal and the amazing ideas to fill it, a new pillow, producing, pot, mermaids pulling men underwater, the walk of shame, Simon and Garfunkel, people wearing underwear that doesn't belong to them, and A Nightmare on Elm Street.

good day

I don't know whether to thank my genes, my jeans, or the 40 flights of stairs I climbed yesterday, but I'm feeling good!

A few minutes ago I was walking down Santa Monica Blvd, hood up, hands in my pockets, minding my own business. There were a couple of guys walking about 20 feet behind me. After about a block, in front of Rage, one of them jogged up and tapped my shoulder. For a brief second I thought I was going to be mugged, but then I looked and it was a cute little blond guy with a nice smile and a tight shirt. And he said "Sorry, I just had to tell you...you have a really great ass." And then his friend caught up and said, "I told him I thought it was fake, like padded." I laughed and thanked them, and the first one said, again, "Yeah, I just couldn't not tell you. We've been following you for like a block." Fucking awesome!!! I guess if I like that kind of attention, I probably shouldn't have gone straight to Yogurt Stop and eaten 4000 calories of dessert, but oh well.

Earlier today, I was trying to set a date for tonight with the guy I have a crush on. As I've said before, he and I tend to have trouble making our schedules work. I usually attribute it to him blowing me off, but that's just my pessimism.

He texted last night to invite himself over, but I wasn't available. And he had plans tonight, so I suggested Saturday. In response, he said something along the lines of "We should consider doing Saturday dinners just to make sure we see each other each week to check in, if not more."

Umm, jackpot much!? A standing date?! Hell yes! I would have been satisfied with one Saturday!

I still can't tell whether he's interested, even after a great dinner last Saturday night, and a small but thoughtful gift from me to him (which was extremely well-received). I guess it's a great sign that he wants to make sure to see me at least once a week! Even if he doesn't like me, I like him, so I'm happy to spend Saturday dinners with him, no matter his motive. And he invited me out with friends Thursday, so that's a good sign too. I guess I'll just take it as it comes.

I heard this song on NPR this morning, of all places. I'm sure I've heard it before. It's fun!

and so i said...

I had a great weekend, which I'll write about later. First, I realized I forgot to update you on my "Prop 8 ex-friend" issue. This post is a follow up to this one. The following letter was my response to him, sent on Martin Luther King Day, 2009.


Hey [______],

Happy New Year to you too. Sorry it's taken me so long to write back. In answer to a question in one of your earlier emails, it has not been the best couple of months for me. I have made a number of colossal mistakes, and have been the victim of the mistakes of others. But I am learning from all of it, and I guess that's the best that can be expected.

I have thought long and often about how and whether to write this email. And as I finally sit down to write it, I've decided not to deliberate much, or to say much. I just have to write something, because one of the things I've been learning in the last few months is that life is too short to be unhappy, or to let negative feelings fester.

At first, I only saw two solutions to this problem. One was to say exactly what was on my mind (or, rather, what was in my heart) but I knew that wouldn't be productive, or even cathartic. The other possible solution to the problem was just to ignore it. As I think you sensed, for months I thought that was the way to go. As you know, I hate drama, and I hate confrontation even more. I'd usually rather suffer in silence, and I figured time would heal. But I've realized there's a third option, and I suppose I knew all along it was the right one. Fortuitously, it was a need to earn the forgiveness of somebody else that brought it home. No matter what happens, it's important to forgive those you love.

I don't imagine it'll come as any surprise that you hurt me very badly in November. As much as I wish it were otherwise, I honestly don't have the emotional energy to discuss the details right now. Time is still healing. But, realizing it would be totally unfair to say what I've said and not give you some color, it was not your vote, per se (I wouldn't be able to function if I reacted this way to 52% of the California population!) I obviously disagree with your vote with every part of my being, particularly on this day when we celebrate Martin Luther King Jr. From my perspective as an American citizen, [____________], [____________] and, frankly, as a human being, I think it's wrong. But, for better or worse, that's both the beauty and the bane of democracy. Everyone has the right to vote, even for the wrong things. And what's done is done. I wish you had voted differently, and when it comes up again in two or four years, I hope you will. But it's not your vote that hurt me.

I'm hurt, basically, because of how dismissive your email was. I know you intended it as an invitation to discussion, which I rejected, so I guess I'm being a bit unfair. But those few sentences evinced some perspectives with which I simply have not been able to come to terms, and about which I still cannot have a calm discussion. Forgive me for my frankness, but I'm just going to lay it out.

To suggest that it's "nothing against me" is, to be honest, beyond comprehension. Why would you have felt compelled to tell me how you voted if it wasn't about me? A few years ago, I was a part of the ruling class of this country: white, upper-middle-class, healthy, capable, highly educated. I could have done anything I wanted. Suddenly, I am a member of the last group of people against whom it is legal, socially acceptable, and Christian (!!) to discriminate. The whole reason I told my loved ones (e.g., you), which wasn't easy, is so that my loved ones could understand that this debate is not just about me...it IS me. What is being gay other than a different expression of the universal human desire to love and be loved? Of course it was about me. You voted not just against civil rights, but against MY civil rights. And, more importantly, you voted against the idea that I deserve to love and be loved. To be honest, after reaching out to you in love and wanting to bring you into this part of my life, I feel betrayed.

I know you read my emails to [_______] because you thanked me for sending them, so I know you knew exactly how I felt about the "sanctity of marriage" line. Basically, I said in no uncertain terms that I believe that very phrase is just a euphemistic way to hide base homophobia behind God. Having [__________] and [__________], I can't imagine how that phrase has any content in and of itself, but I imagine you disagree. But for you to acknowledge the email in which I explained my view, and then in the next sentence to spit that very same phrase back to me, basically felt as if you were accepting my definition of the phrase, and endorsing it as your own belief. There were so many other ways you could have said it! Using the buzzword that you knew sets me off felt almost deliberate. But I have faith that in using it, you must have meant something other than to insinuate that you agree that homophobia is a valid basis for any belief, or that it's ok to hide homophobia behind God.

That you prayed about it for a week said two things to me:

First, that you took this pretty lightly. A week? To come to the decision that I should NEVER have the right to marry the person I love? The irony that I was the best man at your wedding, and spent a heck of a lot more than a week just planning the bachelor party alone, is almost too much.

Second, that you believe God doesn't love me. It's obviously a bigger theological discussion than is appropriate for an email, but suffice it to say the God I know (both personally and through my study of the Bible) wouldn't answer a prayer by saying somebody should vote against love, or against equality. I simply can't square that concept with the teachings of Jesus. Thankfully, our understanding of God has evolved from the days when people thought it was ok to stone their daughters, and from the hundreds of years when American Christians somehow convinced themselves it was ok to go to church on Sunday and whip a slave on Monday. And our understanding will continue to evolve. A relationship with God is a personal thing, so I've already said too much. All I can do is hope that you will continue to pray about it.

The thing that is still most baffling is why you felt compelled to tell me at all. Honesty, in the abstract, is a good thing. But no good could have come of that email. Some things are just better left unsaid.

I have a lot more to say, but I've already said way more than I intended to. I've heard the things you said coming from other people. But not people like you, [_____]. I was caught off guard, and have still been unable to recover my balance. You may not feel that you need my forgiveness, but just in case, and for what it's worth, I do forgive you. At long last, I don't think I'm angry anymore. With all my being I want to believe you didn't mean to say any of the things that came across in your short email. I don't think you meant to hurt me. In fact, I believe you love me. And that, coupled with the fact that I love you, is why I wrote. If I didn't care about you, I could have just ignored your email, let time heal the pain, and moved on. But as I've been saying for many years, you're the closest thing I have to a brother. Sometimes family members hurt each other, and sometimes it takes a long time to heal. But, in the end, you're still family, and I don't want to lose you. So, I've returned honesty with honesty, and said what I've said at the risk of angering you with my frankness. I hope my still-raw feelings didn't cause me to be caustic, and that this email isn't one of those things "better left unsaid." I certainly don't mean to hurt you, or to insinuate that you are anything less than the decent man I've always known you to be. But it was only fair to explain how your words impacted me, because we have always helped each other to be better people. It would be hypocritical and cowardly for me to claim I care about these issues, and not try to educate those closest to me about how they impact real people. Prop 8 wasn't just some ballot measure, my friend. If I don't reach out to you now, I can't expect you to stand with me next time and fight for my right to love.

I hope you won't be disappointed that I'm still not ready to have a dialogue with you about this, which is why I'm writing instead of calling. I just couldn't continue to rudely leave your emails unanswered. So please don't feel compelled to rush to respond on any particular timetable. I just wanted to put everything on the table so that someday, hopefully soon, "this too shall pass."

(FYI, I used the phrase "this too shall pass" intentionally, for the allusion to both the Bible (specifically the wisdom and justice of Solomon) and Abraham Lincoln (freeing the slaves, appropriate because this was sent on MLK Jr. day). Alas, my Dad didn't even pick up on it, so I'm sure it was totally lost on my friend. Oh well.)

So now we wait for the response.

shoutouts and music

Both of these blogs have been linked from here for a long time, so this isn't news. But I have been consistently entertained and impressed by them recently, so I just wanted to say thanks to them.

Tim in Italy is unfailingly (and sometimes shockingly) honest, as well as thoughtful and interesting. Mix that with a writing style I really love, and it's a great blog. Oh, and of course, there are the hot boys. He posts infrequently, but I'm always really excited when he pops up in my Google Reader.

RGB has brutally insulted me on his blog no less than three times (only once intentionally) in the last month or so, but I can't help but love him more than I did before. He is such a genuine character, so sure of who he is (and correspondingly so intractably against some of the things I am) that I can't really take offense. It's just who he is! There's nobody I'd rather be blograped by. He speaks truth, and I listen. He has taught me things recently. This I like. Now I'm just waiting for him to actually warn me when he's coming to LA so I can see him.

And now for some more random music:

This song reminds me of tearing down the freeway as a passenger in my own car at 90+ mph, top down 83 degrees on the last day of February, whooping and laughing. "I'm in LA, Bitch!" The dog whisperer meeting the Downey bear, impromptu photo shoot on 4 chairs in the middle of the street, and later on a throne on the stoop with Buddha. Old furniture. Hiding cheese and crackers, regretting the purchase of Ketel One, parched tulips on account of beer. Super Dry. Cigarette butts, phantom puke smell, IMDB. Dramatic stage lighting.

Unfortunately you'll have to click the link (and push play in the upper right hand corner of the screen that opens) to hear it. I can't find an embeddable version. It's called Am I Sexy by Lords of Acid. Enjoy!

that look

Ok, I'm just going to admit it, to myself and the world. I have a crush, ok!?! I'm not going to keep pretending I'm not interested. Fuck.

I know he's not right for me. I know I would end up getting hurt. A relationship with him may even cause me to regress in certain areas in which I've been trying to improve myself. But it doesn't seem to matter! Attraction is hardly ever rational.

Normally I can, but this time I cannot tell AT ALL what he is thinking. He's hot and cold, but I can't tell whether it's a game or it's just how he is. It may have nothing to do with me at all.

Sometimes he'll go a long time without responding to my calls/texts, but then last week, out of the blue, he texted me with the words "Thinking of you". Sometimes he's not chummy at all, and then sometimes he'll pat me on the shoulder or muss my hair as he's walking by, or massage my neck/shoulders when he's walking behind me. Sometimes he'll tell me about some guy he wants to fuck, and then sometimes....

A couple times, recently, I have caught him doing something no mere friend does (or at least I've never had a friend do it). For example, yesterday I was driving him to brunch, and we were stopped before making a right turn on a red. I was looking left at oncoming traffic, but sensed him looking at me. I turned to look at him, and instead of looking away, he just locked eyes with me. It must have been a good 3 or 4 seconds that we were sitting like that, frozen, just looking into each others eyes, before he slowly broke into a big, warm, communicative smile. It sure as hell seemed like he was trying to communicate, anyway. Later, at brunch, he did it again. And again while we were running errands. I know I can't really describe it, but it's not a normal "friendly" smile. I've only seen him do it to one other person, and I know he liked that guy at the time (if he doesn't still!)

I feel like a junior high girl with the amount of time I spend thinking about him. I even went out on an emergency basis last night and spent [_] hundred dollars (I'm embarrassed) on clothes and other stuff before a party he invited me to. Ridiculous! I had to make a conscious effort last night not to prattle on about him during dinner with my mom. Despite everything I just said, I'm 85% sure he has no interest. But I guess I just have to let my crush run its course, regardless. There doesn't seem to be anything I can do about it.

a learning experience

I've had a really busy week, so no time to write. It all started last weekend when a condo caught my eye on redfin. (I love that website, by the way). People keep saying the housing market is tanking and now is the time to buy, so I'd been passively looking. But the housing market never really tanks in West Los Angeles. They're not making more property here, after all, and if the rich and famous are all willing to spend tens of millions of dollars within a mile or two of where I'm looking, I can't really expect anything to be particularly cheap. But this place seemed to be a bargain, so I was willing to look.

I took a friend with me on Saturday afternoon, and I liked it. A fixer-upper, to be sure, but big, in a great location, and a great value. I called and told my parents about it, and they wanted to see it on Sunday. So we went back, and by Sunday night I'd made an offer. Yes, that's right. On the FIRST place I'd even looked at. A little impulsive, no? I wasn't even really in the market!

Mind you, I didn't know ANYTHING about buying a property, so it was a steep learning curve. First of all, there is a difference between a listing agent and a buyer's agent. I didn't have a buyer's agent, so the listing agent set me up with one. But, surprise surprise, they were in cahoots. And really unethical. For one thing, there was another bidder, and they told me EVERY move he was making. It helped me, but was awful for him. That put a very bad taste in my mouth.

I spent a lot of time Monday on the phone with a real-estate agent friend of my Dad, getting a crash course. I was looking at comparable properties in the area to see if it was a good deal, and talking to different lenders to figure out exactly what my monthly payments would be, and what I could afford. They were requiring 30% down, and I didn't have that kind of cash on hand. So I had to get a letter on my Dad's letterhead that said "I am going to make a gift to my son of [______]." (I'm keeping that one for future use!!! hahaha!) I got my credit score (fucking awesome, btw, which I did't know) and got pre-approved for loans. I looked into rent control ordinances, in case I wanted to rent it out. I talked to inspectors about termites and subsidence and pool maintenance and earthquake insurance and asbestos. I asked around about CC&Rs and home owners' associations and property taxes.

And while all this madness was happening over the course of a few hours, I was also agonizing over whether I even WANTED to buy something. It was happening so fast that I didn't have time to really take that step back. The economy IS shitty, after all. I could lose my job, and then what!? Foreclosure!? Bankruptcy!? My dad kept saying "If you don't gamble, you never win." And I suppose that's true. But I'm new to this! I don't know what risks I can afford to take. And I didn't know how it would change my lifestyle. They do all these calculations, like "As long as your mortgage payment is X% of your monthly salary, you'll be fine." But what does "fine" mean? Could I afford to maintain my car too? Save for retirement? Pay my student loans? Eat out? Go on vacation? Or would every spare dollar go into the mortgage? And even if I didn't lose my job, was I locking myself into my current job? Would there be any room in my budget to consider taking a lower-paying job if I wanted to? I just didn't have time to properly make all these calculations!!! It was so stressful, I didn't sleep AT ALL Monday night.

And to make matters worse, my broker called about 9:30 Monday night and said "The other guy has raised his offer (by $60,000), but if you raise yours by $100 more than him, your credit is better, so the bank will probably take yours. But you have to do it TONIGHT so that it gets into the bank's hands at the same time as his tomorrow morning. (Totally unethical, right?) At first I thought she was full of shit, and just lying to get a higher commission out of me. How would I even know if there WAS another bidder!? But I talked to my dad's broker friend until 11 at night, and he convinced me that given all the circumstances, it was probably true. So I had to just make the decision of whether I wanted it enough.

ACK!! That made all the considerations even harder!! For that much more money, was I DEFINITELY locking myself into my current job? Was I even MORE on the brink of bankruptcy if I lost my job? Would I only be able to eat at McDonald's for 30 years instead of Denny's? I just didn't know!!!

Like I said, I tossed and turned all night, and in the morning after talking to every member of my family for guidance, I decided this: Fuck that! This is a buyer's market! I don't have to get into a bidding war, orchestrated by unethical brokers. Although the place was great, and probably a bargain even at the higher price, the chances of it being the ONLY place I'd love in all of Los Angeles is probably slim. I hadn't done my research. I hadn't figured out what I could truly afford. I hadn't even considered what neighborhood I want to live in! The market will continue to tank, I'll continue to save down-payment money, and something better will come along.

So I told my broker to keep my original offer on the table, and if the other guy's escrow falls through, call me. The bank accepted his offer, and it's in escrow now. I was told that, in this market, 50% of offers fall out of escrow. So there's still hope, and that's where I stand. It was SO stressful for a few days, but I learned a ton. I'll be ready next time.

Part of me is sad (I'd already started to think about how I'd re-do the kitchen, and what kind of furniture I'd get for the patio, and what kind of hardwood floors I wanted). But another part of me is relieved. I was able to take a guy out last night for a nice dinner, and not think about whether I could afford it. That's a luxury I would have been sad to give up.

This has gotten too long already and I have a lot to do today, so the only other thing I'll say for now is that I really enjoyed Oscar weekend. As an aside, I think Anne Hathaway is so freaking cool. A friend came into town to attend the ceremony, and we had a very fun dinner and visit to West Hollywood Saturday night. My parents and I accidentally ended up famished in the neighborhood of the Kodak Theater Sunday morning, so we had breakfast at the Roosevelt Hotel while watching all the hustle-bustle outside as they prepared the red carpet. And my mom and I flirted with the cute waiter. I made an appetizer (!!!) and bought some wine and watched the ceremony with a couple friends who are in the movie business, so it was a fun perspective. The categories I really cared about won, which was very exciting. It's a thrill to be able to text somebody and say "You won!!!!" and get a response. And then go immediately onto Wikipedia and edit :-)

I'm truly having a renaissance in my music tastes, so I'll have to share some more with you later. It's fun. For now, I've got some work to do (don't want to lose that job!) and some fun too.

more musical memories

Another trip through my random taste in music and the memories associated with certain songs...



"Cape Cod Kwassa Kwassa" by Vampire Weekend reminds me of Paul Simon, but also of the first 20 minutes of The Reader, "quadruple banger" trailers at base camp, embroidered sweatshirts, Ed Hardy shoes, David LaChapelle, petite syrah, and stunning views of the Hollywood nightscape from a rooftop pool. I really love this song. Until I overplay it, as is my wont, I think it's my favorite right now.



The "Air-otica" scene from All That Jazz (probably NSFW, but well worth the 9 minutes to watch it) reminds me of a time when I was first beginning to appreciate musical theater. I know it's a gay cliche, but I'm ok with that. Assuming you're in the right mindset to watch it, this scene is freaking awesome. Maybe drink a couple glasses of red wine first. Not only the choreography, which is by Bob Fosse and therefore amazing, but the dancing and especially the editing (Oooh, I'm all proud of myself! I noted how great the editing was the first time I watched it, and just checked and it won the Academy Award for editing!). Just for some background, since it won't make any sense otherwise, this is supposed to be a commercial for an airline.



"Addicted" by Ne-yo reminds me of rose champagne, sleeping masks, "play time", black nailpolish against white skin, free stemless wine glasses, a $1250 leather coat, candlelight, dancing straps, groans of pleasure elicited by new massage techniques, twin guillotines on red and fake roman numerals, almost smoking pot, and that question beloved by men the world over (particularly coming out of a mouth attached to the perfect body, particularly when completely unexpected on a Monday night): "You wanna fuck?"