whatever

The word "whatever" is, to me, one of the most offensive out there when used in a certain way. I used to say it a lot when I was in my first years of high school, until somebody unloaded on me for it. I hadn't realized how offensive I was being, but I agreed with him immediately, and have hated the word ever since.


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Of course, there are many uses of the word that are totally harmless and even funny. For example, it's fine to say "whatever happens, I'll still love you" or "you can have whatever is left over." If somebody is teasing you about something, you can indignantly say "whatever!" to mean "that's so not true!" If somebody does something lame and knows it, you can do the classic "W" formation with your thumbs and index fingers from Clueless and laugh at them.

But in the context of a more serious conversation, its use can range from rude to devastatingly insulting.

On one end of the spectrum is the ungrateful teenager whose mom calls up to his room and says "What would you like for dinner, Sweetie?" and the kid says "Whatever, Mom." That shows that her efforts will probably go unappreciated, and will at least deflate her desire to do something nice.

Slightly more offensive is when the mom has already made dinner, the kid comes to the table, she smiles and excitedly tells him that she's made his favorite, and the kid says "Whatever, Mom" and picks up the plate and goes to sit in front of the TV. That's worse because it dismisses all the effort and care she went to as not being of any importance to the kid.

The harmfulness of its use varies proportionally with how much the person being scorned cares about what is being scorned. So, if the mom really prides herself on doing special things for her kid and he knows it, it's more hurtful when he says "whatever" than if she was mocking him when she asked what he wanted because she was just going to give him cold spaghetti-o's anyway.

I think the worst possible use of the word (and probably the most common, unfortunately) is in the context of a serious discussion or argument. When people discuss something important to them, they become personally invested in their argument. For however brief a time, they are staking their identity on that argument being respected and hopefully believed by others. To say "whatever" in a situation like that is to express indifference not only to the argument they're making, but also to the person investing herself in that argument. It indicates that her argument is not only wrong, but contemptible and not worthy of a well-reasoned response.

Again, there's a spectrum. If you're arguing over how you should split the utility bill with your roommate, and you're explaining how you paid for more of the groceries this month, and she ends up just saying "whatever" and throwing an extra $20 bill at you and walking away, that's rude. But at least you got the $20. True, she's expressing that your argument isn't worth responding to, but at least she is implicitly agreeing with you. And it was only about money anyway. It's not like you put your heart and soul into buying extra groceries.

If the reason you think she owes more of the utility bills is that she had a guest over for a week that used a lot of the water and electricity, and that you went out of your way to be hospitable to the guest by cooking him food and cleaning up after him and giving him the nicer bed, and she says "whatever" in that situation, it's more insulting than the first situation. This is because she is discounting the nice things you did and the nice person you are. She doesn't even want to hear about it. It's not worthy of a response, much less her thanks. You invested yourself, personally, in making her guest feel good and making your roommate look good, and she didn't even care. That hurts, because that's YOU she's scoffing at.

Even worse is when you are discussing something truly important to you, like your deepest beliefs about yourself or the world around you. If you've gone to the effort and emotion to lay out an intricate argument, implying that you care deeply about the topic AND about having the other person respect you, and their only response is "whatever," I think that is the height of rudeness.

There are SO many better responses. Obviously, the ideal response is another well-reasoned argument on the other side. Failing that, I am totally ok when somebody says "this is where our disagreement lies, and we're not going to be able to agree on that point, so I would rather stop talking about this." Or "you are not making any sense, and I am not going to respond to you until you calm down." Or "you have insulted me, and I will not talk to you until you apologize."

Each of those are hard to hear. But at least they recognize that a human being with feelings has made himself vulnerable by presenting an argument that is an extension of his identity. At least they present a reason that you want to end the conversation.

All the word "whatever" (or any similarly dismissive word or gesture) accomplishes in that situation is to dismiss the argument as not worthy of a decent response. And in certain circumstances, that is akin to dismissing the speaker herself as not worthy of respect as a human individual.

Such is the power of language.