now what do I do?
A couple days ago, I got an email from a friend. But not just any friend. He was my best friend through high school and some of college. I consider his parents my second set of parents, and he's like a brother. I came out to him almost a year ago. I was the best man at his wedding. I copied him on the emails I sent about Prop 8, and this was his reply. Wait, before you read it, let me just repeat this in case you missed it...I was the best man at his wedding.
Hi Matt,
I also want to thank you for your impassioned e-mail. We should chat soon, but I have been wanting to send you a note to let you know that I voted Yes on Prop 8 to protect the sanctity of marriage. This is nothing against you my friend, but something that I thought and prayed long and hard about over the past week. I'll be interested to discuss further with you when you have the time.
Any new news on your end? Congrats on Obama's big win! Exciting times for the United States.
Looking forward to seeing you over the holidays.
Your Friend,
[_________]
Ok.
So.
Deep Breath.
After the initial shock, I forwarded it to my family and a few friends for advice, because I didn't really know what to do with that. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!?!
First of all, he voted for McCain (did you catch the "my friend"?) So don't patronize me about Obama. Fuck you. You don't get to take part in America's celebration.
Second, "this is nothing against you." WHAT!? Were you not listening when I came out to you?! OF COURSE THIS IS ABOUT ME!!! I'M A FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL!!! You voted to strip your childhood best friend, the person who stood beside you AT YOUR WEDDING, the closest thing you have to a brother, of his right to marry. The irony is just too much! I WAS HIS BEST MAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
Third, he voted "to protect the sanctity of marriage." Ummm, WHAT!? Now it's clear that you didn't read the emails I wrote. Or if you did, you missed the part where I said "Not to put too fine a point on it, but Prop 8 is just a hateful and mean-spirited attack on gay people, and "protecting the sanctity of marriage" is just a buzzword used as a cover. It's just homophobia." You're going to take my rights away from me, and you can't even do me the favor of explaining why? You're just going to spout your religious bigot BULLSHIT at me?!
Fourth, I like the use of the word "but": "This is nothing against you my friend, but something that I thought and prayed long and hard about over the past week." So, because you prayed about it for a week, that makes it somehow not about me!? Was that intended as an excuse, like "It would have been about you, but because I prayed about it, it's not. God made me do it! Jesus answered my prayers and it all became clear: "GOD HATES FAGS!""
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
Fifth, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?
Sixth, "we should chat soon." We should chat? CHAT?!?! Yes, lets sit down with tea and crumpets and have a nice civil discussion about how you VOTED TO TAKE AWAY MY FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS!!! FUCK YOU! That's not up for discussion.
Seventh, I was his best man. SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!?! Fuck you! Photoshop me out of your fucking wedding album. I'll pay for it. And I want my money back for that awesome estate I rented in Palm Springs for your bachelor party.
Eighth, "any new news on your end?" OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU JUST VOTED TO MAKE ME A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN!? No! There's nothing else quite that big going on in my life. And even if there was anything else to say to you, YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THAT! FUCK YOU!
Anyway, apart from my critique of the content of his email, WHAT THE FUCK!? Why did he tell me this?! In his defense (although, upon reflection, this might actually make it worse rather than better), the last time we spoke on the phone a few weeks ago he told me he was voting No on Prop 8. So he probably felt obligated to confess. I suppose I appreciate the honesty. My dad thinks he was trying to send me a broader message of intolerance. He figures he was put up to it by his evangelical wife (now that I think about it, kind of like how another otherwise good man, McCain, was dragged down by his religious nut-job female counterpart, Palin). Doesn't this seem like one of those instances where ignorance is bliss? Where what I don't know won't hurt me? Where it's better to just tell a little white lie? Yes, I think so. But what's done is done. He told me, so now I have to decide what to do.
I'm obviously upset. But I'm also an adult, so I refrained from sending all of this to him. I decided to sit on it for a while.
Here's the thing: fables and myths and Lifetime Original Movies are about how, on their death bed, people always wish they had forgiven their loved ones for some slight. People always want to be reconciled. In the grand scheme of life, even the big stuff becomes small, and you wish you hadn't let it get out of hand. I recognize that this is one of those moments. I can decide to do what, 60 years from now, I will wish I had done. I can turn the other cheek, continue to love him, and ultimately teach him the error of his ways and win somebody else to our cause.
On the other hand, FUCK THAT! I'm not on my death bed. Maybe in 60 years I'll reconsider. Right now I'm young and I've been wronged and I'm angry. We're in the middle of a civil rights battle and he's the enemy. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He doesn't deserve to get away with this.
Don't get me wrong, not everybody who voted for Prop 8 is my enemy. As my mom said in trying to get me to forgive him, everybody is entitled to their vote, no matter what it was, and no matter why they voted that way. True, that's the blessing and the curse of democracy. A vote isn't necessarily something to be taken personally. But the key word is "necessarily."
I'm sure my friend's parents voted for Prop 8, but I forgive them because they didn't know any better. They don't know I'm gay. I didn't give them a chance to do the right thing based on all the information. In their case, a yes vote wasn't a personal affront against somebody they love. That doesn't make their vote acceptable, of course. I think anybody who voted yes is an ignorant bigot, and I wish them ill, but I can forgive them. In fact, their ignorance isn't their fault, it's mine. And yours. I believe a significant portion of the 52.5% who voted yes would have voted no if they knew somebody gay, or if somebody explained to them how important this is. We can't sit back and just expect people to do the right thing on our behalf. I tried, but I could have done more. We all could have. It's nice that we're protesting now, but it's a day late and a dollar short.
The difference with my friend is that he DOES know somebody gay! His best friend! The best man at his wedding! His gay friend DID explain to him how important this is. And he still chose incorrectly. It IS personal.
So, what do I do? My inclination is to just let the friendship go. It's kind of a middle course, I guess. I won't blow up at him, which would feel great but probably be unproductive. I won't educate him (not that it would do much good, since he already had about as much reason to vote no as I can provide). But I won't forgive him either. If someday I miss him or have a change of heart, I can try to rekindle the friendship. If I don't miss him, then obviously he wasn't that important to me in the first place. I regret that it will probably estrange me from his parents, because I do love them. And it's sad for my parents because he and I were (are) the princes of our little town, and if we're at war, it's going to cause a lot of friction for everybody.
Anyway, I'm torn. I'm tired.
Hi Matt,
I also want to thank you for your impassioned e-mail. We should chat soon, but I have been wanting to send you a note to let you know that I voted Yes on Prop 8 to protect the sanctity of marriage. This is nothing against you my friend, but something that I thought and prayed long and hard about over the past week. I'll be interested to discuss further with you when you have the time.
Any new news on your end? Congrats on Obama's big win! Exciting times for the United States.
Looking forward to seeing you over the holidays.
Your Friend,
[_________]
Ok.
So.
Deep Breath.
After the initial shock, I forwarded it to my family and a few friends for advice, because I didn't really know what to do with that. I mean, WHAT THE FUCK!?!
First of all, he voted for McCain (did you catch the "my friend"?) So don't patronize me about Obama. Fuck you. You don't get to take part in America's celebration.
Second, "this is nothing against you." WHAT!? Were you not listening when I came out to you?! OF COURSE THIS IS ABOUT ME!!! I'M A FUCKING HOMOSEXUAL!!! You voted to strip your childhood best friend, the person who stood beside you AT YOUR WEDDING, the closest thing you have to a brother, of his right to marry. The irony is just too much! I WAS HIS BEST MAN, FOR GOD'S SAKE!!!!
Third, he voted "to protect the sanctity of marriage." Ummm, WHAT!? Now it's clear that you didn't read the emails I wrote. Or if you did, you missed the part where I said "Not to put too fine a point on it, but Prop 8 is just a hateful and mean-spirited attack on gay people, and "protecting the sanctity of marriage" is just a buzzword used as a cover. It's just homophobia." You're going to take my rights away from me, and you can't even do me the favor of explaining why? You're just going to spout your religious bigot BULLSHIT at me?!
Fourth, I like the use of the word "but": "This is nothing against you my friend, but something that I thought and prayed long and hard about over the past week." So, because you prayed about it for a week, that makes it somehow not about me!? Was that intended as an excuse, like "It would have been about you, but because I prayed about it, it's not. God made me do it! Jesus answered my prayers and it all became clear: "GOD HATES FAGS!""
FUCK YOU!
FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU!
Fifth, WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK!?
Sixth, "we should chat soon." We should chat? CHAT?!?! Yes, lets sit down with tea and crumpets and have a nice civil discussion about how you VOTED TO TAKE AWAY MY FUNDAMENTAL RIGHTS!!! FUCK YOU! That's not up for discussion.
Seventh, I was his best man. SANCTITY OF MARRIAGE!?! Fuck you! Photoshop me out of your fucking wedding album. I'll pay for it. And I want my money back for that awesome estate I rented in Palm Springs for your bachelor party.
Eighth, "any new news on your end?" OTHER THAN THE FACT THAT YOU JUST VOTED TO MAKE ME A SECOND CLASS CITIZEN!? No! There's nothing else quite that big going on in my life. And even if there was anything else to say to you, YOU CAN'T JUST CHANGE THE SUBJECT AFTER SOMETHING LIKE THAT! FUCK YOU!
Anyway, apart from my critique of the content of his email, WHAT THE FUCK!? Why did he tell me this?! In his defense (although, upon reflection, this might actually make it worse rather than better), the last time we spoke on the phone a few weeks ago he told me he was voting No on Prop 8. So he probably felt obligated to confess. I suppose I appreciate the honesty. My dad thinks he was trying to send me a broader message of intolerance. He figures he was put up to it by his evangelical wife (now that I think about it, kind of like how another otherwise good man, McCain, was dragged down by his religious nut-job female counterpart, Palin). Doesn't this seem like one of those instances where ignorance is bliss? Where what I don't know won't hurt me? Where it's better to just tell a little white lie? Yes, I think so. But what's done is done. He told me, so now I have to decide what to do.
I'm obviously upset. But I'm also an adult, so I refrained from sending all of this to him. I decided to sit on it for a while.
Here's the thing: fables and myths and Lifetime Original Movies are about how, on their death bed, people always wish they had forgiven their loved ones for some slight. People always want to be reconciled. In the grand scheme of life, even the big stuff becomes small, and you wish you hadn't let it get out of hand. I recognize that this is one of those moments. I can decide to do what, 60 years from now, I will wish I had done. I can turn the other cheek, continue to love him, and ultimately teach him the error of his ways and win somebody else to our cause.
On the other hand, FUCK THAT! I'm not on my death bed. Maybe in 60 years I'll reconsider. Right now I'm young and I've been wronged and I'm angry. We're in the middle of a civil rights battle and he's the enemy. He doesn't deserve my forgiveness. He doesn't deserve to get away with this.
Don't get me wrong, not everybody who voted for Prop 8 is my enemy. As my mom said in trying to get me to forgive him, everybody is entitled to their vote, no matter what it was, and no matter why they voted that way. True, that's the blessing and the curse of democracy. A vote isn't necessarily something to be taken personally. But the key word is "necessarily."
I'm sure my friend's parents voted for Prop 8, but I forgive them because they didn't know any better. They don't know I'm gay. I didn't give them a chance to do the right thing based on all the information. In their case, a yes vote wasn't a personal affront against somebody they love. That doesn't make their vote acceptable, of course. I think anybody who voted yes is an ignorant bigot, and I wish them ill, but I can forgive them. In fact, their ignorance isn't their fault, it's mine. And yours. I believe a significant portion of the 52.5% who voted yes would have voted no if they knew somebody gay, or if somebody explained to them how important this is. We can't sit back and just expect people to do the right thing on our behalf. I tried, but I could have done more. We all could have. It's nice that we're protesting now, but it's a day late and a dollar short.
The difference with my friend is that he DOES know somebody gay! His best friend! The best man at his wedding! His gay friend DID explain to him how important this is. And he still chose incorrectly. It IS personal.
So, what do I do? My inclination is to just let the friendship go. It's kind of a middle course, I guess. I won't blow up at him, which would feel great but probably be unproductive. I won't educate him (not that it would do much good, since he already had about as much reason to vote no as I can provide). But I won't forgive him either. If someday I miss him or have a change of heart, I can try to rekindle the friendship. If I don't miss him, then obviously he wasn't that important to me in the first place. I regret that it will probably estrange me from his parents, because I do love them. And it's sad for my parents because he and I were (are) the princes of our little town, and if we're at war, it's going to cause a lot of friction for everybody.
Anyway, I'm torn. I'm tired.
posted by Matt at 12:05 PM
72 Comments:
Unfortunately, I think your decision to just let him go is the best choice, even though it sucks. He's put you in a very awkward and unfair position. I think you're right that blowing up at him won't do any good, but if it were me, I wouldn't be able to just brush that aside and think, "oh well, he's my best friend," because he obviously wasn't thinking of you as his best friend when he voted.
I'm really sorry, Matt. I hope someday he comes around, but until then, it doesn't do you any good to keep him in your life. If he's so insecure in his own marriage that he feels like he needs to take away your right to marry, he's too far gone for you to help him anyway.
Great post! I think it would be good to let him know your feelings, helping him to understand why you were hurt. And that you have forgiven him for what he did. Then, see what happens next!
Take care!
I agree, it seems like he is not truely a friend to you as he doesn't feel that you get the full gambit of rights. To him you are somehow not okay and incomplete as a human being. Move on, remember the good times and just let it go. x
Sigh. I sure hope you have better friends than that, because I would not want to have a "best" friend like that.
I know that sounds harsh, but it's true.
Matt - it's obvious why you're angry at him, but are you sure that cutting one of your best friends out of your life is really the solution here? It sounds to me like that's the easy way out. You might need to take some time to calm down a bit, but surely you should talk to him about this face to face and hear his side of things? He doesn't sound like a 'bad' person, and if he was that ignorant and un-caring then he would have made it abundantly clear to you after you told him you're gay. 52.5% of voters ticked yes, and a proportion of those people will indeed have been 'ignorant bigots'. However, I'm sure that a large number of them probably had to really battle with their faith when deciding how to vote, and I'm sure it won't have been an easy to decision to vote yes, as I'm sure must have been the case for your friend. I've followed your blog for a long time now, and I understand that your passion for equal rights is behind your present anger towards your friend. But I also know that you're a tolerant, intelligent guy, and you owe it to both your friend and to yourself to sit down and engage in a dialogue with him so you can explain how it's upset you, and really get to the bottom of why he voted yes. Suppose this issue goes to another vote in a few years time - if you've cut all ties with your friend, then he's just going to cast another 'yes' vote; but if you spend some more time talking to him, then next time round he might just vote no, and maybe even persuade some of his friends and family to vote no as well.
Just make sure you've really thought this through before you make a decision that you could come to regret...
They guy is an a-hole. He pretends to care, but doesn't really. Its just vile. Cut that shit out of your life. I have done the same with evil people in my life.
Excellent Post. I hope you will meet with your friend, and explain how you feel. If he asks for forgiveness, I say go for it. If he tries to weasel out of it, send me his address and I will go slap him upside his head.
Yuk. Horrible. That's what *betrayal* feels like. He seems like a thoroughly horrid person. That email is so.... smug? self-righteous? Made me sick. I can't imagine how your life would be improved by maintaining contact with such a horrible person.
Matt, I think you may have gone around the bend on this issue. I believe that there would be widespread support in this country for civil unions with the full rights of marriage. This is what I think we should be pushing for. "Marriage" is too much of a hot button word due to its close correlation to religion.
Our communities sometimes vehement response to loosing on issues like these only serves to alienate the majority to our minority.
Ease up on your friend and respect his right to have a different view then yours. Ask him about civil unions. If he says no way...then give up on him. I think You're better than this.
I would send a brief email just saying that you are shocked, saddened and disappointed in him. And then just let the friendship take its course. After something like this, It might weather the storm, it might not.
Matt,
I think his email was shockingly dismissive--much like the easy way in which over half of Californians voted to ELIMINATE rights from fellow citizens. Casual discrimination is, perhaps, more vile than the outright hatred we see from evangelicals and blatant bigots. He is complicit in this crime. And, yes, it is a crime: a crime against the fundamentals of our state constitution and a crime against the larger belief that all of us are equal.
Tell him his email was unacceptable. Tell him he has hurt you and thousands like you. Tell him he will be judged poorly by history. Then say goodbye.
We shall not suffer discrimination.
i confess i haven't been following the whole prop. 8 thing until maybe two weeks ago, but can someone answer some questions for me? first, i don't understand how a civil rights issue was put on the ballot in the first place. why is the majority being given the opportunity to take rights from the minority? i'm no constitutional law scholar, but aren't the courts in place for these type of issues?
didn't the calif. supreme court find a few months ago that denying gays the right to marry violated the california constitution? if so, then wouldn't this very amendment violate whatever clause the courts found was being violated in the first place by denying this right to gays?
on a related note, what all does one have to do to get an issue on the ballot? just get enough signatures? if so, could someone go out and, if enough signatures are received, put up for vote something as ridiculous as denying people of race "x" the right to vote or the right to anything? how does that make sense?
i realize i could do some research on this, but if anyone has some info, i would appreciate hearing you out.
What incredible arrogance and egomania. You really think that because you tell someone an issue is important to you, they're obliged to vote your way on it? By all means throw a tantrum; that would be totally in keeping with your infantile self-centeredness.
So matt, you say
//Now it's clear that you didn't read the emails I wrote. Or if you did, you missed the part where I said "Not to put too fine a point on it, but Prop 8 is just a hateful and mean-spirited attack on gay people, and "protecting the sanctity of marriage" is just a buzzword used as a cover. It's just homophobia."//
So because *you* said it,he isn't entitled to a different opinion? To be your friend someone must accept everything you tell them? No? Just everything that is important to you? If you are that controlling, that demanding, that intolerant of differing opinions, by all means cut this fool who dares to think for himself out of your life.
But if you can maybe think it possible that somebody can love you who doesn't always agree with you on everything that you care deeply about, if you don't think you have a right to control your friends thoughts and actions, if you can tolerate having a friend who is willing to be your friend even though he doesn't always agree with you, if you can tolerate having a friend who doesn't always do what you tell him to and who dares to think for himself, then do not throw him away.
He saw the issue differently from you. You saw it as being friendly or hostile to gays; he saw it as being how the state should define marriage. Grow up. It's not all about your precious feelings.
I'm with Todd X. Write him back, from a place of sadness and disappointment over what you thought was a friendship. Express how horribly you obviously misjudged him and tell him that if that is the kind of person he is, you have no use for friends who consider you less than fully human. It gives him the chance to make amends, and he can't dismiss it as you being angry and overly-emotional.
Matt follow up with your friend's offer to talk about this in person. Show him in person your passion and raw emotions that your readers get to see in your writing here. Maybe then he'll fully understand his impact. You can't swear him off yet...who knows, maybe after the talk he'll be more educated. This issue isn't going away anytime soon. And if your conversation ends positively, then it's impact could change the conversation your friend will have with his wife and his parents in the future.
Matt —
Sorry I slipped into debater mode in my earlier post. The thing I think is that a friendship that meant so much to both of you should not be tossed out like yesterdays garbage. Try to respect his right to have a different view of things from yours. That's all I'm trying to say with my overheated rhetoric.
He loved you enough to ask you to be his best man. You loved him enough to want to do it. Hold on to the love.
If I were you I'd reply to his email and say that you feel betrayed and very hurt. Tell him he certainly he has a right to his opinion and vote, but you just can't feel the same about him now that he has betrayed you. Explain that you have no desire to take away his right to vote as he sees fit. But you also have a right to decide who is a friend and who is not. People change. Explain that you are mourning the loss of his friendship, but that the principle involved is so fundamental to your core belief that you are a good person that you just can no longer regard him in the same way. Maybe mention if he wants to discuss your reaction you will try to do so, but not now because the pain and grief are just too raw.
That's what I would do. But you have to decide.
I am sorry for your pain.
steevo
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I think it's important to be circumspect and not let any single emotion take over. This is obviously a relationship in which you feel much love has been invested, and given (I assume) that your central mission in life is love, it's important not to abandon that in haste.
I agree that your friend's email does seem dismissive. But it may also be a reflection of confusion and guilt. I would reply in no uncertain terms (though civilly) about how hurt you are by his decision and your incertitude of how the relationship could possibly continue while he so fundamentally undervalues your humanity.
If he does not reply expressing regret or explaining his position clearly, then I would agree that he is not loving towards you and that, as much as it may hurt, he should exit your life until such time as he is.
In all the years I've been reading this blog, I think this the most hurt I've seen you. It's testament to your goodness that you take time to reflect and not let your anger make decisions.
I hope the pain is brief. And good luck.
xxox
I would send this email back: "fuck you." Not one word more.
You have a long life ahead of you, he can contact you when and if he gets his head out of his ass.
It's a weird situation, and I really dislike what he wrote. Nevertheless, unlike the other commenters here, I believe that it should be YOUR decision, and I can only say what I would do in this situation. For me, it would have been the end of the friendship.
And whatever choice you make, do keep strong!
You really can’t compete with religion or pussy, but especially religious pussy.
If your friend was completely honest with you, he probably cares for you on one hand, but really thinks your going to hell because you are a practicing homo. That kind of religious dogma is not changed with a well written email, especially when the pussy reinforces the dogma when your not around.
If history is any guide, civil rights are won in the court room, then society learns to deal with it.
As much as I would want to say "Fuck him and his bigoted views," he's your friend. It's so sad to see that sort of thing happened. But it happens to us all. People seem to think that it's okay to separate the person from their rights, and say "oh I know gay people, and it's nothing against THEM to take away their rights" but that's just plain bigotry and we know it. Haven't any advice except try to reason with him. If he basically continues to not listen, maybe it's worth moving on.
Matt,
You have a right to be upset, to be angry, but most of all to be hurt.
And you are certainly hurt by the a few things... one, that your friend voted Yes, that he changed his mind - or that he lied to you when he said he'd vote NO, that he felt he had to tell you like he's rubbing salt in the wound..
All your emotions and reactions are valid. There is no reason to look at things from his perspective, so don't. Cowering to his parents or his wife is not an excuse, it's ludicrous.
Matt, think about a response, because your friend needs one. But also think about how to respond. To respond with anger, I think, will only give him reason to justify his YES vote.
Rather, my advice, is to respond with how devestated you felt - not just because Prop 8 passed, but because one of your true friends disregarded you as a human being and voted YES.
There will be another round to this battle, like there were many many rounds on the fight for civil rights or the fight for women's suffrage, or the end to slavery.
So, how you respond, whether with a measured response, whether with anger, whether with disappointment - think of it as a starting point for continuing the debate.
And as for your friend, perhaps he feels he won on Prop 8, but surely having lost your friendship and your respect is more certainly a bigger loss...
So, think before you respond, which you already have and will continue to do so. And Matt, sometimes it takes change to happen one person at a time.
Best to you Matt.
Matt,
Someone said once "I true friend will have your back no matter what" In this case, I don't see how you can consider him a friend any longer. If I were you, I would send him the post you have just posted. It says exactly how you feel. This is what he needs to know.
.......what was his reason for telling you that he voted the way he did??? It seems the only reason could be to hurt you for some reason. People who "pray" for an answer, and the answer they get is to promote bigotry are in no way worthy of your friendship.
A real Christian will not harm his neighbor, and certainly not his friend. Jesus told us to love our neighbor, not to harm our neighbor.
The hateful preachers who tell their followers to harm gay people are not real Christians. They are just USING the name of Christ to gain power and wealth. The people who follow them are being USED. The preachers are motivated by power and greed. They gain power by condemning other people. They gain money by using that power to control and USE their followers.
Your friend was USED. Tell him so. If he repents, ask him to work for equal rights. If he doesn't he is not your friend.
You should tell him you understand how difficult it must have been on his marriage these last few months, with 20,000 gay couples getting married. You just hope that his vote to destroy their marriages happened in time to save his. If he says that his marriage wasn't actually affected by those gay couples, you should ask him why then did he feel compelled to destroy their marriages and your hopes and dreams. He needs to know that this isn't about an abstract concept like 'sanctity of marriage', it's a deeply personal issue that is hateful and hurtful to real people including yourself.
EVERY ACTION HAS AN EQUAL AND OPPOSITE REACTION
Yeah...I was taking the high road, preaching patience. As the hours pass, I just grow more angry.
The words of Marley keep running through my head. "Get up, stand up. Stand up for your rights." These were not angry words, but they are powerful. They demand equal rights.
When I came out to my grandmother, she told me she "loved me but not my sin." I told her that was not enough. I demanded that she love me for who I was. She could not do that. She sent me clippings from the National Enquirer about AIDS in Hollywood. She sent me money. When she died, I only regretted taking her money. (Poverty always trumps ethics.)
Civil Unions is not enough. I demand full access to civil society. Society seems unable to do that, sending us clippings from the Bible and from Focus On The Family tracts. Unlike interpersonal relationships, we can't walk away from society, and I don't know what else we can do. Except to get up, stand up. Stand up for our rights.
Matt, I agree with the comments that say you should be open and honest with him about the pain and hurt and sense of betrayal he has caused you. It may very well be that he views this issue as something that is of no great import (I'm giving him a huge benefit of the doubt here!).
That said, if he cannot recognize the impact that this vote and HIS vote in particular have on you, then unfortunately, I agree with the folks that say your friendship was based on 'things being easy'.
A stronger friendship would have been stressed before this. I doubt he would have 'chucked you under the bus' in such a cavalier manner as he did if it had been. In other words, in my mind, he should have viewed Prop 8 as much an attack on HIM as you and he didn't.
That realization hurts and I feel so bad for you and I think you know what needs to be done.
you cant have a gay friend and believe and do what you can to keep that friend down. ( voting yes on prop H8TE) it doesnt make sense. thats why no one believed Sarah Palin when she said she had a lesbian friend.. your friend was lame for all of that.
I increasingly regret the tone of my first comment in this thread. You are understandably disappointed and your feelings are hurt. And I was insensitive to that. I'm sorry.
But I still think that none of us has the right to demand as the price of our friendship that a friend vote as we think right on a question of public policy even if the friend honestly disagrees on the merits of the issue.
There are questions of policy where the right answer is so clear to me that I find it hard to believe that any decent and honest person could possibly disagree with me, once I've explained it to them. But they do disagree.
I really think that friends should want friends to follow their own consciences. It would be one thing if he had been looking for a way to hurt you and decided that this would work best. But don't you owe it to your friendship to try to understand that he did it not in order to hurt you, but despite your feelings, because he honestly believed (even though you don't) that a yes vote was right for California? And doesn't it count for something that he wanted your friendship to be open and honest and that he believed that you were entitled to the truth?
Matt -
This is obviously the sort of thing we always want to avoid. The bad coming out. The intolerant friend. The nasty people as I like to call them.
You certainly have a relationship with this guy and it seems a shame to just throw it all away. You are hurt and upset. Heck, I am hurt and upset and I don't even know you or him.
If it were me, I think I would just not respond. I think I would just run silent for a while. Maybe after some time he'll contact you. Maybe he'll want to come round and chat. Maybe them you can look him in the eyes and ask 'why'? Maybe then you can ask him why when the bible justifies things that today are considered beyond the pale (such as slavery) he sees fit to use this rather flawed book to deny you, his best friend, the same rights as an American citizen that he enjoys.
I'm not sure blowing up at him now will do much. I doubt it will really. I think perhaps by letting him go for now (and keeping the door open) that you may be able to drive home just how sad, hurt and disappointed you are in him. Maybe it will cause him to rethink things in a way that shouting rarely does.
Hugs from London.
I would simply write him back and say
"Thank you for taking my rights away, I hope someday I can return the favor"
I agree that no response is the best way to deal with your anger right now.
This "praying long and hard" amounts to telling himself he is right about what he has been indoctrinated with about the "sanctity of marriage" baloney. (And his wife clearly helped)(and did she make him tell you?)(is she a little bit jealous of you, too?).
I'd be totally pissed off but I'd just wait until there is another reason to communicate.
He won't be your best friend for long, Matt. That's sad but that is what happens.
ChristopherinMiami
I am a gay man with an unpopular view of the gay marriage issue. I'm actually of the view that "marriage" as an institution should not be endorsed by the government but by religious groups. Marriage legislation in and of itself is highly discriminatory--tax benefits for married peeps but not singles, visitation rights, inheritance rights, and the list goes on.
Sadly, we have only our community to blame for this failure in several respects.
After the Mass. Supremes decided gay marriage was legal in that state, GAY ACTIVISTS got greedy and decided it was time to force this issue down the political throats of the nation during a fucking EVANGELICAL REVOLUTION. Gay Activists lacked the political finesse, the political acumen, and common sense to know that it was not a fight to be fought AT THAT TIME. Greedy, greedy, greedy, and now the line of dominoes of discriminatory legislation continues to fall.
The gay community is to blame in the respect that we are only seen as a social class of hedonists. The image of us is an endless drunken, drug-induced circuit party of unsafe sex. The spectre of AIDS still looms large--fairly or not--over our community. This public image needs repair. It demands correction.
Finally, the "No on Prob 8" activists failed to do enough outreach to minority communities who voted overwhelmingly to pass this law. The "No" camp failed to educate their fellow voters enough on the disciminatory aspects of this ballot measure to ensure it wouldn't pass.
The gay community needs to take a long, hard look at itself to correct this image. As a community, we need to begin to shun the party drugs and rehabilitate our community's public image.
I suspect that for every "normal" (= "hetero-acting") gay couple, there are two or three times as many gays partying away and whoring around.
It's a safe bet that impression of our community as hedonists played into your friend's vote. Each gay person must now make the extra effort to do outreach to show our friends and families that we are not gay people first. We are people who happen to be gay. We have jobs, we pay our bills, we have the same basic responsibilities they do.
We have an awesome PR-rehab job ahead of us. We must also (sadly) be patient for the next generational shift to occur. When I came out, my mom said the next day all night she wanted to throw up. That was because of the way she was raised, and her lack of exposure to gays at that time. I didn't take it personally--too much. Time has healed any hurts, and she is supportive.
Unfortunately, Boomers have the reigns of political power in our country. It was not common or normal for them to be exposed to gays when they were growing up. When the next generation comes to power, it will have been more normal for them to know us and accept us, and realize our value and our normality.
Only time and education can heal this discrimination. And we can only look to ourselves and our community before that healing begins.
Anon:
I suspect that for every "normal" (= "hetero-acting") gay couple, there are two or three times as many gays partying away and whoring around.
don't you think that at least in half of these cases this is forced by the society attitude? for some people, if they are denied their right to marry, they go wild that way...
Also, it's kinda confusing that you combine your brilliant idea of being open and outreaching with typing that recommendation anonymously.
Matt,
I obviously do not know you but when I read your post I felt compelled to comment. I know it is probably not my place to give you advice but I am! In the past I have allowed myself to withhold forgiveness toward a friend. It is not the right thing to do. It will eat at you and that is the last thing you want. Even if this person does not reconsider his position your duty is still to forgive. Because of your views you may not be dear friends again but forgiveness is a must.
Marshall
To ETRE-MORAL-ETRE-SINCERE:
The first part of your response raises good questions about the attitude divide in our own community. Some gays see being gay as a rebellion against all things hetero--including marriage. Many others, including our prolific blogger Matt, see the marriage issue as an equal protection argument.
I see marriage as an historical arrangement of property and wealth consolidation that has been co-opted by institutionalized religion to get twisted into an issue of "morality" and "godliness".
//Also, it's kinda confusing that you combine your brilliant idea of being open and outreaching with typing that recommendation anonymously.//
I assume that this is more of a question than an attempt at sarcasm, because hating on each would be very unbecoming.
I prefer anonymity on the web to keep my personal info personal and keep it from getting scraped off web pages by spam-bots and others who feel the need to take that information for bad purposes.
If you must call me anything, you may call me "Zam".
I can see why this might affect you. Even I, who wasn't born in California (not even a US citizen) was very pissed off because of the passing of prop 8. Since, I'm from Holland, I will not be affected, and can marry whoever I want. This sounds unfair, and it is. We do need equality, no matter what the circumstances are. I shouted "fuck" for over an hour, as I heard the news. It felt like a stab in the back. Therefore I can see how you feel. Given the circumstance, you must feel particularly hurt since you share a deep bond with a person who voted yes. Maybe it's just me, but have you given thought about inviting him to a dinner for just the two of you? You can explain your feelings about the whole topic, and give him the opportunity to give more body to the how and what of his vote. I can image my friends voting in favor of prop 8. Sure, this would piss me off, but If they had a solid explanation, I'd at least try to accept it, and hope for change.
Give it time and thought.
Regards,
AW
Dump the motherfucker already
I believe that there would be widespread support in this country for civil unions with the full rights of marriage. This is what I think we should be pushing for.
Yay! Let's hear it for separate but equal!
Separate will never be equal Uncle Tom.
A wrong will not correct another wrong.
Civil Unions are a form of segragation.
As for your friend Matt, silence can be golden because he really doesn't deserve a reaction of any sort right now.
V.I.
Matt,
At this point in the game I have to quote the "compasionate conservative" himself, George W. Bush...You're either with us or you're against us. This asshole doesn't need or deserve your respect or friendship and needs to be cut out of you're life. Some might say this is isolationists thinking but that's the only way left to think in this battle. When people who have "best friends" that are gay vote against those "best friends", they then lose the right to be friends at all and become our enemy. It's hard, but necessary to extracate ourselves from the lives of those who chose to vote against us. A necessary evil in my opinion!! Good luck in the battle, we will win the war!!
Dear Matt,
You need to take it easy on your friend. As a former practicing Evangelical christian I understand what he means by, "it's not personal". A good christian puts God first, and your friend clearly believes he's heard God on the issue. If he really didn't care for you and the relationship, he would have followed the popular christian view on the isue and not even bothered to form an opinion of his own- which he clearly did seeing as he planned on voting 'no' until very recently. So he's chosen God over you, that doe not mean he loves you any less. It means God's Law is more important to him- he would probably take the same discission if it involved his own son.
This may sound irrational but like somebody mentioned so aptly earlier, 'religion is not rational'. Don't expect him to change. You have to take the discission whether he's worth keeping as a friend or not. But please acknowledge the gross likelihood that he really does love you. Your worlds are just too far apart.
--M
Matt,
I don't envy your position. I hurt for you and I find the tone and wording of the message inscrutable, as you must. I really don't have advice for a shitty situation like this. I just hope that you can keep not only your sanity through this, but also your happiness and well-being.
Davis
I came here through Todd X's blog, he posted about this and I was appalled. I am so sorry that anyone in this day and in our country has to deal with this. Wow. I'm sorry that your friend felt the need not only to decide to take your rights away, but to tell you about it as if he was confessing that he'd borrowed your sweater and gotten a stain on it. I'm sorry about all of those people who voted to take away something from you and so many other people the way they did.
Just who is intolerant? I can't imagine what you would be posting if McCain won the election!
I too am from Holland, and I have been married once, to a girl, she is now married to my first gay love, or as we all see now, he was not gay after all, just as I was not heterosexual, after all. They have 3 kids now and I still love the 5 of them. I will never marry again, although I can in my country, with who ever I choose. Not that I believe in the sancity of marriage, but my life has shown me that I'm so much more in my proper place as a promiscuous homosexual. I don't think I am a hedonist, not caring for anybody but myself. It is not a question of being strong and resisting temptation. I am strong in these matters and will not allow friends to say I am a second class citizen. Marriage is there to show the people around you and authorities: look, we belong together. It also is supposed to be forever. We all know, at least in California most marriages end in divorce. What's the sanctity in that?
We all have the right to make the same mistake!
Do think another 24 hours about the reply to your friend. I always do so when I feel the need to use the word FUCk in e-mails. But then after reading it all again I mostly send it out anyway.
In this case I would add all the comments you got too:
they give a beautiful balance of what we all feel.
And keep in mind: look at the demographix; If Obama is serious about better education for afro americans, we'll get there in the end
I don't even know him and it felt like I got kicked in the stomach when I read his letter. I just have a few points:
*in 60 years it should be HIS deathbed of regrets not YOURS
*If you haven't "won" him over to our side by being a life-long loyal friend it ain't ever gonna happen.
*If he went out of his way to strip you of your rights then he sees you as a second class citizen. Do you really want to waste any more of your life on him?
*That has to be your decision. All I can do is say what I would do which is CUT HIS SELFISH, BACK-STABBING, CONDESCENDING ASS LOOSE! Surround yourself with people who actually care about you. But that's just me.
Matt,
If and when you talk with your 'friend' please share with him the following post.
Title: PROPOSITION HATE. http://nofo.blogspot.com/2008/11/proposition-hate.html
I don't know if it will make him pause and reflect on his choice. I mean, if your long 'friendship' and impassioned email failed to move him. I don't know. But I do know ‘they’ went on and on about "protecting" the children. So let him see want his vote has done and will continue to do.
On a more personal note to you. I think your 'friend' is the worse kind of coward. To take 30 seconds of his busy Christian life, to hide behind his computer and wing off an email that dismisses you and your heartfelt wish....To find a loving relationship, get married and have a family. To have what most every human wants)….was just despicable.
Even I know this is one of the things you want most in this life. And I just read your blog. I haven't been your 'friend' for years, sharing our thoughts, feelings and intimate desires. Jeez, he asked you, a Gay man, to share with him his 'sacred' marriage ceremony. To stand up for him, bear witness. Yet now, somehow, you are not good enough in his eyes. I'm sure there were many thoughts shared between the two of you during the time leading up to and the day of the wedding. I'm sure one of those was your desire to have what he was being 'allowed' to have that day. So he can not plead he did not know some of the harm his vote would do.
I think you should be the better man and talk to him. Face to face. Let him know what his actions, both the vote he cast and the cowardly email, have done to both you and kids like Thomas.
Sorry for the rant but he and his kind make me angry.
I want to say something, but every way I write it seems mean spirited. That is not my intent. Basically, people should not have to agree on everything to be friends. Please don’t ever let your friend read that post.
why are you friends with his parents if they don't even know you're gay? If they didn't know any better, why didn't you try to let them know? I think it's because you knew they wouldn't come around, and this is what's saving you from having to lose THEM as friends, too.
Personally, I would make it my duty to see your 'best friend's' marriage explode into a thousand pieces of unhappiness. You can't get married, and he shouldn't be able to stay married. You WERE his best man, I'm sure you have enough shit on him to make it happen.
The only question is--are you dedicated enough to your cause to make it happen? Or will you just let another person steamroll over you? Just saying...
Just who is intolerant? I can't imagine what you would be posting if McCain won the election!
Go to hell, you stupid bitch.
I would thank him for his support of your lifestyle. Thank him for allowing you the right of marriage. Be sincere.
Matt, I agree with Adam and a minority of the previous posters - don't give up your friendship, at least not yet. There's a time, a place - and most importantly, a context - for every course of action. In the long run, we'll all do much better if we can sublimate our rage at Prop 8's passing into focused determination. That means we'll all have to engage with the same people who voted against us. Preaching to our own choir doesn't advance our position.
Don't get me wrong - your friend's being a shitty friend, and you *should* feel betrayed. But before you write off a friendship that obviously meant a lot, you owe it to him (and especially yourself) to figure out where he's coming from. There might be an opportunity here, beyond salvaging a friendship. So cool down. Hear him out. And then decide what to do.
-a
Are you sure he was not joking?
Matt,
I think you are overreacting. I fully understand your feelings about his letter, but I do believe it was nothing personal. See, according to his religion marriage is something sacred meant for straight couples. For your friend -- I hope he'll remain your friend -- those are God's words. You just don't argue with God, and no one can convince him that He's wrong.
It's obvious that he doesn't think gays are second rank citizens. He asked you to be his best man for God's sake. However, that doesn't mean that he should suddenly disagree with God on the sanctity or marriage...
I think in his view you made the choice to be a practicing homosexual, and that choice implied that you couldn't get married. Now you suddenly want that too.
Imagine this: You are out with a friend and he drinks liquor, while you stay sober. At the end of the evening he tells you he came by car. Now he wants to change the law so that he's allowed to drive home. Would you vote in favour of such a change of the law? Would it be personal? Could he still be your friend?
I think in your friend's view this is a good analogy... Think about that.
If you go around religious people you have to be aware of this, and either respect that or avoid them. I believe in respect, even for the short-sighted.
Just for the record, I disagree with your friend, I am gay myself, and I think marriage should be open for everyone. That doesn't mean I don't understand his situation.
etre-moral-etre-sincere:
I'm fairly sure that the sorts of gay guys who sleep with a different guy every night of the week aren't doing so in rebellion at the fact that they can't get married!
I don't read you often because I don't have Internet at home, but what I know about you is that you are a great person and because you are gay you are also probably much more open minded. But at my point of view, your reaction is too violent. Of course you did not share the same point of view but you should respect its. It is his right to think differently than you and talk with him to know why he voted Mc cain. After you could take a better decision about if you don't want to talk to him anymore ar anything. But after all, I'm just a gay 17 years old french canadian so I don't know many things about life so maybe I'm just wrong in my opinion. Sorry for my english and I love your blog it really helps me
Whether you let the friendship go or not, I would at least make sure that he knows that he *clearly* doesn't understand how important this is to you, and the light, casual tone of his message proves that. Weirdly, I think I'd be less angry if he at least understood how hurtful his position was to you.
See, according to his religion marriage is something sacred meant for straight couples.
Fuck his religion.
Matt:
I stumbled upon this blog entry in the days since I first commented on your entry here, laying much of the blame for the passage of Prop 8 at the feet of gay activists.
http://www.whitless.com/gayconspiracy.htm
Take from it what you will.
What I take from it is that the activism of outrage, or outrage towards your friend are perhaps not the order of the day. Keep an open heart--your wounded heart--and show it to him. Belligerence towards him and his fellow voters will not win this culture war. Be gentle in showing your wounded heart in an effort to let him see the error of his ways.
His opinion may not change today, but if it does down the road, it will not change as the result of belligerence.
Best luck to you and your friend.
As others have said, you should not respond with anger. Just get out your feelings of hurt and betrayal. Send him a link to to the MSNBC Keith Olberman special comment clip, and perhaps preface it with it very much reflects your views.
Matt, you may have been this guy's best friend, but he was not your best friend.
He has shown that you cannot trust him over an issue that costs him nothing but radically affects the way you can live your life in California.
So grieve for the loss of your friendship. Confront this guy if doing so will help accomplish a goal. But if you trust him again (unless you are certain he has changed) then he is just going to dismiss your concerns contemptuously some other time.
Betrayal. You were betrayed by your best freind. I suggest you send him 30 pieces of silver. He has earned it. No note, no chat, just 30 pieces of silver. Okay maybe a note saying it's "Nothing Personal."
The real thing, ist to know exactly your feelings toward him. Let this question about prop 8 aside, and just try to think:is he really a great friend of mine or not? Do you love him or not? If yes, you will probably be able to change his opinion. I am a french guy from Paris, and I always love what you write, and most of all, the way you try to get the good (and the right) solutions. You'll get them again with your friend if you just consider your heart, not your head (even if I find your head great!!!!)
I'm a little surprised at all the comments about betrayal and advising you to ditch your friend. I understand that you are angry - I would be too! Your friend hurt your feelings and your friendship and this is going to take time to heal. But, personally, I can say I never made a voting decision based on friendship. I decide on what seems right to me, what arguments convince me most, and what coincides most with my values. Obviously, your arguments were weaker than some of his beliefs. I am sure he listened to you, and I am sure he feels bad about voting no, but I believe him when he says it's not personal. He made his decision based on his beliefs, not his feelings for you. Perhaps you could have spent more time talking to him, explaining all the very concrete consequences that his vote would have on you and your life, listening to his arguments and deconstructing them to show him that the way he thinks is wrong and illogical - even by the standard of his beliefs. It takes more than a bunch of e-mails to convince people to dramatically change the way they think and open their eyes. He is actually making you a big favour by sending you this e-mail. He is giving you the chance to try and convince him that it was a mistake to vote yes. If you invest time and energy in this friendship, next time he could vote differently. In my opinion, convincing every person one by one is more valuable than making a protest or hanging some posters around town. If I were you, I would try to calm myself down and, yes, have a little chat with him one of these days to start a discussion on why you think he's wrong. I guess that's an investment of time and emotions I would be ready to make for an old friend. And that's an investment that could bring real results to the cause. Whatever you decide, I wish you good luck.
Good friends are hard to come by, and I strongly doubt that this was some kind of personal attack on you. The "Yes on 8" side have a completely different way of thinking about the issue, it's like they speak a different language. I bet your friend never expected that his admission would distress you so much. If he had he probably would have lied about his vote. At least allow him the chance to talk to you about it. Who knows, next time the issue is voted on (and I'm sure there will be a next time), he might vote the other way.
Send the e-mail, this friend is gone. He isn't worth 10% of the careful thought you have put into not sending it. Of course the real problem is that the human animal has not yet accepted that prayer is just an excuse for bigoted thought related to a 2000+ year old set of myths and stories! Prayer feeds bigotry!
Matt, I understand that you are angry with your "best friend." I am a homosexual and I voted for McCain but I am greatly embracing Obama as my President.
I don't think you should be so harsh on your friend. Remember he is entitled to his own opinion and view on certain situation. I don't think you should take it so personal that he voted for Prop 8.
I don't know what emotions you are going through but just give it sometime and keep him in your life. Apparently if you were his best man you mean a lot to him and maybe your life style doesn't but you as a person do.
Peyton
http://gaysnowboarder.blogspot.com
I don't think it matters whether your friend meant his vote personally, or whether God told him to vote "yes" on 8. This proposition wasn't a bond issue, or even choosing a candidate. I worked for Obama, and I have good friends who voted for McCain. I respect that decision.
Once I dated a guy who eventually told me he "hated niggers". I tried to reason with him, but to no avail. He was an adult, and had chosen to be a bigot.
I can tolerate a lot, but I think racism is immoral. A relationship will not survive such a wide gap in basic values. I'm afraid that may be where you are with your friend.
Good luck.
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