the worst kind of news
He was so cute. Shorter than me, like I like. Happy smile. Beautiful dark, expressive eyes. Perfect skin. A few drinks in, I wasn't too shy to flirt, and it worked. He asked for my number, and then asked me to walk him to where his friends were picking him up. While we waited, we talked, and we kissed.
The next morning I texted him and asked for a date. He said yes, then no. I cajoled him back to yes, and picked him up at 7. The food was fine, but watching his eyes was a joy. What a beauty! We kissed more, walked hand in hand, and he spent the night. When we woke up the next morning, we brushed our teeth, and spent a couple more hours in bed. Much the same thing happened the next weekend.
When talking the following weekend, he mentioned non-chalantly that he had a doctor's appointment the next day that had him nervous. He'd had a routine HIV test, among other things, and he thought it strange that they were requiring him to come back in rather than give the results over the phone. I comforted him, since I'd never heard of HIV results being given over the phone, either way. After all, I reasoned, if it's bad news every time you have to come in, then they might as well just tell you over the phone, because saying you have to come in is the same thing as saying you're positive, but also torturing you with the wait. So it must be some other reason.
I was somewhat comforted by my own words, but not really. I couldn't think of anything else. I replayed in my mind, over and over, our sexual encounters. Did his cum touch anywhere that it could get in? Had my gums bled when I brushed my teeth that morning before doing it again? Had I eaten anything coarse that might have cut my mouth? I couldn't focus on work. I texted him, asking him to call me as soon as he was done with the doctor, because I couldn't think of anything else.
At 2:15pm, I got a text: "I knew there was a problem. They never call me into the office if everything is fine. I tested positive..."
and immediately thereafter
"I'm sorry you need to go get tested...I don't know how to deal with this."
I instantly got hot and flushed, and panicked a little bit. I didn't know what to do. I called my doctor and set up an appointment immediately. I left work and called a friend on the road. He was, ironically, at an AIDS conference in Chicago at the time. He assured me that what we'd done was relatively low risk. Regardless, I was terrified; while in the waiting room, I lost the very nice lunch I'd had.
My friend told me what to ask for, and my doctor gave me, a "viral load" test, which costs a lot more but has a shorter window period and is more accurate than the typical mouth swab thing. But it takes a lot longer to get results. The doctor and I talked quite a bit. He said that while HIV is no walk in the park, it's not a death sentence these days, and life expectancies are very long. As far as managing the disease goes, it's more along the lines of diabetes; it's annoying to have to constantly take pills and worry about your health, but it doesn't otherwise interfere with your life.
By the time I left the doctor's office, it had only been about an hour and a half since I'd found out, so I hadn't really had time to process it. I called my friend again, and for the first time since I was probably 12, I cried. I mean, I've cried since then, but only superficial crying, like in a movie. This was the first time I'd cried about something going on in my life. And certainly the first time I'd cried in front of another person. I was scared, and above all, lonely. I just needed a hug, but the guy who may have infected me wasn't talking to me, and I couldn't tell my family because they'd just worry unnecessarily. I felt completely alone, and I was. My friend insisted he was flying out to be with me, which was sweet, but I knew that would just stress me out even more because I'd have to think about it the whole time he was here.
I did talk to the guy after leaving the doctor's office. Strangely, I wasn't mad at him. My first reaction was to try to comfort him. But I don't really know him, and when something life-changing like that happens, I imagine you don't want to have to deal with the random guy you may have just infected, even if he's trying to be nice. He asked me to give him time to deal with it, so communication stopped.
I decided not to go back to work, and decided to go to the gym. My thought process was: dating is pretty much over for me if I have HIV. It's hard enough to find a guy with only 10% of the male population to choose from. When you have to drop that bombshell into conversation before sleeping together, things get a bit more complicated. So I felt like if I dedicated myself to the gym, I would not only be healthier to combat the disease, but I'd be more attractive.
But I got lazy, and was too worked up. Instead, I did research. I wanted to know EXACTLY how risky I'd been. What were my chances of getting it? What were my chances of staving off AIDS? What kind of drugs might I have to take? What kind of communities were there for guys with HIV? I read a report I'd written about this topic in school, which reassured me some. I read probably a dozen websites top to bottom. I looked up stats with the CDC. I called hotlines.
As it turns out, there's an HIV testing site and resource center within walking distance of my place. Of course, right? It is West Hollywood. I went down there and asked them a ton of questions, mostly to have personal confirmation of what I'd read online. They too assured me that what I'd done was pretty low risk. I got one of the 20 minute mouth swab tests. I knew I was still well within the window period, and it couldn't possibly come back positive even if I had it. But it made me feel better to get the results and hear them say the words "negative." I made a hefty donation to cover the wasted test, and because I was overwhelmed with appreciation that they are there for people who need them.
I looked up movies to try to distract myself, but there was nothing I wanted to see. I sat and did a lot of thinking about life, and life with HIV. My great uncle died of AIDS in the 80's, but I don't know that I ever met him, and if I did I was too young to understand. I had only known one other guy with HIV, in Boston, and had a giant crush on him. I recalled how much I'd wanted to kiss him, but also the conflict I'd felt over whether I'd really want to be in a relationship with him. I knew that is how people may react to me.
I thought about what my friend must be going through, knowing for certain that he really does have it. I thought about what his parents must be feeling, and how crushed my family might be when they find out. I went through a bit of "how could this possibly happen to me?" I am always so careful. I always use a condom. I almost always ask the guy (though it was now crystal clear that even if they tell the truth, they may not know themselves). I wondered whether the guy felt bad for possibly infecting me, and whatever other guys he'd been with, or whether he was only focused on himself at that moment. I wondered whether, if I were in his shoes, if I would feel guilty. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it. After all, there shouldn't be any stigma to it. By reacting like this, am I betraying HIV-phobia? Maybe. On the other hand, how could I not react this way? It's one thing to be totally cool with somebody who has it, and another thing entirely to have it yourself. I took a sleeping pill and got some peace.
When I woke up and realized what had happened the day before, I promptly vomited. Every time I think about it I gag. Thankfully I'm not hungry, so there's nothing in my stomach to lose. I'm sure I'll lose weight. I suspect, like with everything else, the shock will probably wear off, and I'll get hungry eventually. Obviously I can't think of anything else. I don't know how I'll get through daily life waiting for the test results.
I suppose I'm not totally alone. This blog is more-or-less anonymous, but not totally. I know a number of my real-life friends read this. And I know there are a number of people, especially from Boston, who read this blog who know me in real life, but who I don't know are reading it. If you are one of those people who know me in real life, I need you to write to me now, whenever you read this, even if it's a year after I post it. Email or Facebook. I won't be mad that you've been reading it, even if you promised you wouldn't read it. It's important to me. Please.
The next morning I texted him and asked for a date. He said yes, then no. I cajoled him back to yes, and picked him up at 7. The food was fine, but watching his eyes was a joy. What a beauty! We kissed more, walked hand in hand, and he spent the night. When we woke up the next morning, we brushed our teeth, and spent a couple more hours in bed. Much the same thing happened the next weekend.
When talking the following weekend, he mentioned non-chalantly that he had a doctor's appointment the next day that had him nervous. He'd had a routine HIV test, among other things, and he thought it strange that they were requiring him to come back in rather than give the results over the phone. I comforted him, since I'd never heard of HIV results being given over the phone, either way. After all, I reasoned, if it's bad news every time you have to come in, then they might as well just tell you over the phone, because saying you have to come in is the same thing as saying you're positive, but also torturing you with the wait. So it must be some other reason.
I was somewhat comforted by my own words, but not really. I couldn't think of anything else. I replayed in my mind, over and over, our sexual encounters. Did his cum touch anywhere that it could get in? Had my gums bled when I brushed my teeth that morning before doing it again? Had I eaten anything coarse that might have cut my mouth? I couldn't focus on work. I texted him, asking him to call me as soon as he was done with the doctor, because I couldn't think of anything else.
At 2:15pm, I got a text: "I knew there was a problem. They never call me into the office if everything is fine. I tested positive..."
and immediately thereafter
"I'm sorry you need to go get tested...I don't know how to deal with this."
I instantly got hot and flushed, and panicked a little bit. I didn't know what to do. I called my doctor and set up an appointment immediately. I left work and called a friend on the road. He was, ironically, at an AIDS conference in Chicago at the time. He assured me that what we'd done was relatively low risk. Regardless, I was terrified; while in the waiting room, I lost the very nice lunch I'd had. My friend told me what to ask for, and my doctor gave me, a "viral load" test, which costs a lot more but has a shorter window period and is more accurate than the typical mouth swab thing. But it takes a lot longer to get results. The doctor and I talked quite a bit. He said that while HIV is no walk in the park, it's not a death sentence these days, and life expectancies are very long. As far as managing the disease goes, it's more along the lines of diabetes; it's annoying to have to constantly take pills and worry about your health, but it doesn't otherwise interfere with your life.
By the time I left the doctor's office, it had only been about an hour and a half since I'd found out, so I hadn't really had time to process it. I called my friend again, and for the first time since I was probably 12, I cried. I mean, I've cried since then, but only superficial crying, like in a movie. This was the first time I'd cried about something going on in my life. And certainly the first time I'd cried in front of another person. I was scared, and above all, lonely. I just needed a hug, but the guy who may have infected me wasn't talking to me, and I couldn't tell my family because they'd just worry unnecessarily. I felt completely alone, and I was. My friend insisted he was flying out to be with me, which was sweet, but I knew that would just stress me out even more because I'd have to think about it the whole time he was here.
I did talk to the guy after leaving the doctor's office. Strangely, I wasn't mad at him. My first reaction was to try to comfort him. But I don't really know him, and when something life-changing like that happens, I imagine you don't want to have to deal with the random guy you may have just infected, even if he's trying to be nice. He asked me to give him time to deal with it, so communication stopped.
I decided not to go back to work, and decided to go to the gym. My thought process was: dating is pretty much over for me if I have HIV. It's hard enough to find a guy with only 10% of the male population to choose from. When you have to drop that bombshell into conversation before sleeping together, things get a bit more complicated. So I felt like if I dedicated myself to the gym, I would not only be healthier to combat the disease, but I'd be more attractive.
But I got lazy, and was too worked up. Instead, I did research. I wanted to know EXACTLY how risky I'd been. What were my chances of getting it? What were my chances of staving off AIDS? What kind of drugs might I have to take? What kind of communities were there for guys with HIV? I read a report I'd written about this topic in school, which reassured me some. I read probably a dozen websites top to bottom. I looked up stats with the CDC. I called hotlines.
As it turns out, there's an HIV testing site and resource center within walking distance of my place. Of course, right? It is West Hollywood. I went down there and asked them a ton of questions, mostly to have personal confirmation of what I'd read online. They too assured me that what I'd done was pretty low risk. I got one of the 20 minute mouth swab tests. I knew I was still well within the window period, and it couldn't possibly come back positive even if I had it. But it made me feel better to get the results and hear them say the words "negative." I made a hefty donation to cover the wasted test, and because I was overwhelmed with appreciation that they are there for people who need them.
I looked up movies to try to distract myself, but there was nothing I wanted to see. I sat and did a lot of thinking about life, and life with HIV. My great uncle died of AIDS in the 80's, but I don't know that I ever met him, and if I did I was too young to understand. I had only known one other guy with HIV, in Boston, and had a giant crush on him. I recalled how much I'd wanted to kiss him, but also the conflict I'd felt over whether I'd really want to be in a relationship with him. I knew that is how people may react to me.
I thought about what my friend must be going through, knowing for certain that he really does have it. I thought about what his parents must be feeling, and how crushed my family might be when they find out. I went through a bit of "how could this possibly happen to me?" I am always so careful. I always use a condom. I almost always ask the guy (though it was now crystal clear that even if they tell the truth, they may not know themselves). I wondered whether the guy felt bad for possibly infecting me, and whatever other guys he'd been with, or whether he was only focused on himself at that moment. I wondered whether, if I were in his shoes, if I would feel guilty. Part of me feels like I shouldn't be making such a big deal out of it. After all, there shouldn't be any stigma to it. By reacting like this, am I betraying HIV-phobia? Maybe. On the other hand, how could I not react this way? It's one thing to be totally cool with somebody who has it, and another thing entirely to have it yourself. I took a sleeping pill and got some peace.
When I woke up and realized what had happened the day before, I promptly vomited. Every time I think about it I gag. Thankfully I'm not hungry, so there's nothing in my stomach to lose. I'm sure I'll lose weight. I suspect, like with everything else, the shock will probably wear off, and I'll get hungry eventually. Obviously I can't think of anything else. I don't know how I'll get through daily life waiting for the test results.
I suppose I'm not totally alone. This blog is more-or-less anonymous, but not totally. I know a number of my real-life friends read this. And I know there are a number of people, especially from Boston, who read this blog who know me in real life, but who I don't know are reading it. If you are one of those people who know me in real life, I need you to write to me now, whenever you read this, even if it's a year after I post it. Email or Facebook. I won't be mad that you've been reading it, even if you promised you wouldn't read it. It's important to me. Please.
posted by Matt at 10:08 PM
69 Comments:
This post has been removed by the author.
I... I am at a loss for words. With anything, keep your head up, you never know what you might miss if you don't. I really can't imagine how that must feel, but know that if you ever need someone for help or for anything, I and many others here, are here for you.
I am one of your silent followers and have been for years now. Though I've never posted here before, I wanted to let you know that I always appreciate you opening your life up to us. You have more people that care for and about you than you know. We will be here for you.
Matt, I also want to thank you for being honest and open about this. I hope you're results come back negative but want you to know that this post might help so many people out there dealing with this issue. Unfortunately, this situation is a reality in our community and bringing it to our attention in such a personal way might make someone who reads it realize that we must take precautions to protect ourselves with every encounter. Sad but true and please know that with your readership, you are never alone. I'm hoping for the best for you. Take care of yourself regardless of the outcome.
I've reread your post twice now. I do hope for the best. I think researchin as much as you can is a great idea and familiar yourself better with HIV. Do you know anyone in real life that you can talk to about this?
Jonathan.
I am also at a loss for words. While I don't know you i'm an avid reader and have been for a while. I can't begin to imagine what you're going through, but keep your chin up and hope for the best.
J
You are going through a really tough moment right now but no matter what the response, you will be okay. Even if you have HIV, it is considered a chronic condition which means that with meds, you can continue to live a very full life. The good news is HIV/AIDS is not an immediate death sentence anymore. Your emotions are going to be very crazy regardless if you are negative/positive so don't bottle up your feelings and find a way to release them. You will be just fine! If you want a pleasant distraction, have you seen Glee on Fox (www.fox.com/glee)? It is funny and might take your mind off the waiting. Keep yourself busy until you hear about your results. Good luck.
a couple observations:
1) "hiv-phobia" is exactly what you're experiencing, in that your fears are mostly irrational. i say this because the odds of your contracting the disease through any sexual activity to which you alluded in this post are almost infinitesimal.
2) if you sleep around at all in los angeles, i can pretty much guarantee you this isn't the first hiv-positive guy you've come into intimate contact with, and it won't be the last. many don't know their status, and a high percentage of those who do lie about it, knowing that if they tell the truth they instantly become diseased pariahs to people like you.
having said all that, i can understand your anxiety, but i hope that this experience (and maybe a little self-education) will give you a better perspective about the disease and the people who live with it. after i came out, i had good, satisfying sex with any number of hiv-positive guys over the course of many years and never had a problem--it's possible, you know.
just to let you know I sympathise and, as a recently seroconverted person, agree totally with above by mkf. You yourself know best what you did or did not do, so I'm not going into your chances.
Just respect and apreciate the direct frankness of your friend. He is one of the very few to be this honest this fast. Only for that he deserves to be a friend for life, whatever happens.
Like everyone else I've just been a silent follower but I wanted to share my thoughts.
I live down in Orange County...a 5th year College student. I'm 22, and I tested HIV+ when I had just turned 19.
It was hard, I lost a lot of friends but the journey has brought me to places and people I wouldn't want to trade.I didn't have sex for a long while, I moved across the country and back and am really on (year 6) of school. If anything else, this moment will force you revaluate things.
Thankfully my parents supported me through it all, some of my friends weren't assholes and through the magic of pharmaceuticals I live a relatively mundane life. And I even have a boyfriend. He's HIV-. So not all the men are douches.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to say, basically isn't the end of the world. If anything, I hope that you can see that all the HIV+ boys are just as fun as everybody else and there isn't any reason to be afraid of them.
Matt,
Your fears are not entirely irrational, HIV is not at all like diabetes. If you were diagnosed with diabetes you would likely live longer than if you became HIV + at your present age.
Since, you know that you were exposed to the virus, why not follow the same protocol as health care workers that experience a needle stick? Called Post Exposure Prophylaxis, PEP, best if started 1 to 2 hours after exposure, but there are benefits (reduced rates of seroconversion ) past 72 hours. You can get it at most any emergency department.
Some of the drugs used: Zidovidine(AZT), Lamivudine (3TC), Indinivir
Expanded PEP: Combivir or Truvada PLUS Kaletra or Boosted Lexiva
Take the PEP drugs for twenty eight days in most cases.
Next, get tested for Hepatitis B and C. Do follow up testing out to six months for HIV and Hepatitis B and C, get vaccinated for Hepatitis B and A. Every gay man should get the hep vaccine.
Actually HIV is a death sentence, while taking the medications, the virus slowly kills immune cells in the lymph system. Average survival is out to 24 years by some estimates, but those are just estimates and of course about half of the cases live considerably less than 24 years. The survival numbers are not written in stone, because the virus is always mutating (the reason a vaccine is nearly impossible).
Hope you get through this ok.
Have you been checked for hiatal hernia or low tone for your lower esophageal sphincter, you really shouldn’t vomit so easily? I don’t really mean easy per say, but getting nervous and vomiting with any frequency is abnormal.
I don't know you in real life but I've read your blog for some time. Be strong. You are not alone.
Woohoo for silent followers?
We got your back, Matt!
There are plenty of guys out there who would happily date an HIV+ guy, because it's not a death sentence anymore, and it's not "the end of the world," as someone said earlier. We're all people, negative or positive.
Before you get your results back, know that people respect you and love you regardless of your status.
Good luck, keep us updated, and don't despair.
Thank you for your open and honest post. I hope many will be moved to safer action and continue to be tested on a regular basis. I became positive four years ago in May. I found this website to be helpful, thebody.com
Wishing you the best from the northwest!
Matt we're all here to support you through all this. I'm keeping my fingers crossed and hoping for the best for you!
I hope things work out for the best for you. Like your research said. HIV+ is not a death sentence. People can now live for years and die of other things than AIDS related illnesses. Remember there is a difference between HIV and AIDS. There are people with HIV who have never needed anti-viral drugs. An important thing is keeping your immune system as healthy as possible.
As you said your activities were low risk, this you confirmed with your doctor and a local HIV testing site, as well as with your own research. You are most likely fine. I would not even attempt going on PEP unless you were at high-risk, the side effects are severe and can cause long term health issues.
If your feeling up to it, stay in touch with the guy you were with. You enjoyed his company, had a very good date by the sound of it, he is probably feeling really shitty about what happened right now. Also you like him, why let his status interfere. As long as you are safe, you should be fine. I have dated HIV+ people before and they have been good and fulfilling relationships. Scary as fuck in the beginning cause I was ignorant, I walked out of his house, crying, freaking out, drove to the pharmacy gargled a bottle of mouthwash. I went to 2 doctors for tests, sat in the AIDScalgary office for info and made them repeat themselves for like 2 days straight. Your not alone. There are some great HIV support groups, even for those who don't know their status to talk and explore what this means for them in the future. I am HIV Negative, with 2 scares, one being the relationship I had with someone who was HIV+ the other being an email from a one nighter telling me to go get tested. I know get tested wether I need to or not every 3 months, for my own comfort and just to be safe, its really scary not knowing what going to happen. How much is the result of simple test going to change your life.
Though we have never met, know this, your a good person. You allow us a glimpse into your life, without expecting anything in return. No matter what happens know you have my support and my time for anything you might need. You can reach me at pucking.about@gmail or at the email this was posted under if you need anything or just need some to rant at or commiserate with. Hugs from Sydney
Wow .... this not knowing is tough.
You have prompted me to get tested asap. I have been putting it off for a while even though I have engaged in risky sex recently.
Your story, in it's rawness and honesty, drives home the importance of regular testing. It is so easy to keep on putting it off and to slip into complacency.
My heart goes out to you and I hope it turns out for the best.
Martin
Matt - I've been reading for a long time and I appreciate your honest and obviously quite difficult post - take the advice above and talk to your doctor about the post exposure prophylaxis. If you can get going right away this will at least give your system a boost. One of our best friends is in a very long term relationship with his HIV+ partner. They have been together over 10 years and while he remains HIV-, his partner lives a fine, active, and very healthy life. I hope your test returns negative and we will all pray for that outcome, but the end is not nigh if it goes the other way.
I am keeping my fingers crossed for you. Please do keep strong. I admire your openness about what happened. We who reads you blog are all here to support you if you need some support. *hugs*
Wow, I can't imagine how you must feel right now.
But you know that whatever you did was low-risk, and all the info you've researched and all the people you've talked to have basically confirmed that the likelihood of you getting HIV from this encounter is very very small. The viral load test must be quite new if it can be administered almost immediately - most other tests don't become accurate until 1-3 months after exposure.
Like other commenters said, PEP is an option to discuss with your doctor. You most likely won't need it, I think.
Keep us all updated on your blog. We wish you the best of luck and hope that the results come back negative (which they almost certainly will). Until then, try not to lose sleep over it.
Good luck with the test, and keep asking questions.
Like everyone else, i will keep my fingers crossed, and keep you in my thoughts and the prayers to my god.
As an aside, did you ask about the medication cocktail that they give to health care workers and people who have been potentially exposed HIV? It may make you feel like crap for a week or 2, but there is a fairly good chance it may prevent HIV from developing.
Best to you, Matt.
It's me again. I just thought i'd say wow to all the people coming out of the woodwork with support when you most need it. :)
j
First, let's all acknowledge the tremendous anxiety that exists around HIV and AIDS. Given the history of this virus and the devastation it has caused in the lives of gay (and straight) people, this is understandable. There continues to be a lot of misinformation that still fuels fear and prejudice. Several of the previous posts contain inaccuracies. I highly recommend people go to the Body Positive website to find accurate medical information.
I tested poz about five years ago and was immediately suicidal for several weeks before a friend of mine accompanied me to my first appointment with one of the world's top HIV/AIDS infectious disease specialists. The first thing he told me was that I would not die of AIDS (if I took my meds regularly), though he could not predict what side effects I might have to medication when the time to take meds might arrive. As it turns out, I have now been on meds for about three years with absolutely no noticeable side effects and I feel great.
Last year a Swiss woman sued her ex-boyfriend because they had unprotected sex for years and he never informed her that he was poz. He was on meds and had an undetectable viral load and medical experts testified that the odds of his infecting her were about 100,000 to 1. She lost her case.
This doesn't mean it's ok to have unprotected sex but it does highlight the fact that almost all infections occur with people who have high viral loads--those who are positive and don't know it or who are not yet on meds. Once you get on meds and assuming you achieve an undectable viral load, the chance of infection drops enormously. This is why we all need to be periodically tested, for the risk of infecting others is highest among those who choose denial and ignorance over finding out their status. Accurate information can save lives. Fred
Hadn't been here this week and was so glad to see a new post until I got into it. Thinking about you Matt as if I knew you (we do, kind of, us regulars here). I'm old enough to have gone through many friends' and former b/fs' times with HIV, bad and good of course. The likelihood of your being + seems very small from what you've told us, and obviously that would be a relief and there's no prtending it wouldn't. Don't feel guilty, just try to be calm. And, eventually, I hope you'll be able to communicate with the other guy and be friends. Hugz.
im sorry you are having to deal with the situation. as someone whos been living with hiv for the past 6 years i can honestly say. hiv is not a death sentence. i repeat. hiv is not a death sentence.
yes. its not the greatest news to hear. at any day or time. but you will get through this.
Thanks for sharing this. I can't imagine the emotions you're going through. I agree that it was great that your friend was honest with you right away. I don't know if I could look at HIV as being like diabetes. You did the right thing in getting help from a variety of sources right away. You have a lot of good friends to support while you wait for the results, but I'm sure you'll be fine.
Once infected with HIV, NO DOCTOR can honestly tell you that you will not die of AIDS. Any doctor that says that is just trying to comfort a patient, which becomes the part of the treatment goal after HIV exposure\infection. Every study examining the average survival time of HIV+ people comes up with a different number, because of the many, many variables involved. Just remember that studies showing an average survival rate of 20 or more years, well by definition of average, around half of the study participants do not live to see the average survival time. If you become positive in your early to mid twenties, there is about a 50% chance that you won't live to see your mid to late forties.
Because someone is HIV+ for several years and is doing well, does not predict the future. Living with HIV is a day to day adventure.
For know HIV exposures PEP, as mentioned above, is the way to go. Some studies show it prevents seroconversion over 80% of the time. PEP treatment is not dangerous if your otherwise healthy.
Matt,
I am a silent follower who is similar to you in very many ways. I am a couple of years younger than you are, but I literally feel like I have grown up with you. From my high school days in the South to my college years in Boston, I read every single entry you posted and have related to your experiences on a very deep level.
Even if you didn't know it, you've been there for me, as you have for so many others, and we will stand with you during this difficult time and beyond.
I completely empathize with the anxiety you are feeling right now. I had a similar scare not too long ago but, by the grace of God, emerged unscathed. I wish the same and only the best for you.
Matt,
I don't know you, but I've read your posts on and off for a while.
I do know how you feel. An eternity ago my BF failed Navy Boot Camp, and didn't really say why. Then Magic Johnson announced he was HIV+ and the local TV channel did a show from the AIDS center in Philadelphia. There was my (by then) ex-BF telling the reporter he had HIV and hadn't told anyone else yet.
I was lucky. Six months of not sleeping with anyone, and being young and dumb trying to get an HIV test from the Navy.
This won't be easy. Even when the test comes back (negative!!!) - There might be a small voice in the back of your head asking if there was enough time? Is the test correct?
Your posts show that you have friends. Let them help you through this. You are stronger than I was just by posting this.
Please keep us posted.
Matt,
I am no expert in the disease but I just wanted to offer you support. I know we are somewhat disconnected due to us being strangers but we do care. I hope everything turns out OK. I will keep you in my prayers.
Okay, I was on vacation and just had a chance to read this. Know that you're in my thoughts, but I'm sure you will be fine.
In the meantime, relax, read a book, watch a movie, go running. Try to get you mind off the hamster wheel of regret and hindsight.
And keep us informed, all right?
Matt,
I just read your blog and I am sorry to hear about what you are going through... but I will say that you seem to have a lot of support here on the web... as well as in your personal life. Having friends that will drop everything and come be with you says a lot!!! I wish you nothing but the best and will say some prayers for you!... You sound like a strong person and will come through this an even stronger person.
Keep your chin up... and know that there are those out there that care for you .... even if we never met!
Your blog, whether I dislike or disagree with some of your opinions and actions on rare occasions, has, without a doubt, done more for me as a young gay man struggling with his sexuality than anything or anyone else. It has given me courage to climb mountains. I cannot begin to express thanks or to even try to relate to you just what you have done to change my life.
Whatever the results are of this test, while a disease may alter peoples perceptions of you, it cannot alter the pure and totally objective affect your especially honest spirit has on others. And I think you know that. To me, you'll always be a-okay, kiddo.
Matt,
I have no idea what to say right now. I've only been a reader for some time now, but I already feel like I know you. I know I can't have any idea of what you are feeling, but this post gave me a good idea. I just want you to know that you have so many people here online and offline that are behind you, 100 percent, no matter what. No matter what the results are, you will always have people here for you, including me. I really have no idea what to say.
But your post has pushed me to get an HIV test as soon as I can. And that is the good thing about your post. This post can influence so many other people, like me, who may think they're negative but just haven't been tested yet.
Keep your chin up. We all hope for the best.
M,
I know how you feel (I once had a (very) similar experience) and from this blog I know you are a strong guy. Try to get through the next few days without panicking too much and I am sure things will be fine. I say this not because I'm trying to give you false hope, but because from your post I gleaned that you engaged in "low risk" activity. If that is indeed what you did, then it really is unlikely that you caught anything from this guy. Logic. Its the only thing I can think that would help me - so I offer it to you.
You are in my thoughts.
Hey Matt,
The boys you really want to be in a relationship with will love you no mater what your HIV status is. They will care about you and make things work regardless of how your tests turn out.
Keep on the sunny side and don't worry too much. It doesn't help anything. Remember, for every minute you spend worrying you lose 60 seconds of enjoying the wonder of life!
Caring and Respect,
Alex
The person that told you to get a viral load test at this point is a dumb ass. Surprised the doctor ordered the test really, but probably just to calm you.
Viral load is the best predictor of the course of HIV progressing to AIDS, but of course you must be HIV+ in the first place. A base line viral load is usually taken about two weeks after HARRT treatment begins. CD4 t cell counts are also measured, but tend to remain stable until near the time of progression to AIDS when they rapidly decline.
If your viral load test comes back with a number, then it means that you were infected before the encounter you wrote about.
If your test results are negative at 3 months out, you can be reasonable certain that safe. However, it will take 6 months or a little longer to know for sure.
Also, as a top your 10x more likely to pass along the virus than as a bottom. The ethical thing to do would be to inform any potential recipient of your bodily fluids that you are under surveillance, until you have at least 6 months of negative HIV tests.
Hey Matt,
You've had a lot of comments & conflicting info posted here, but I suspect that you don't have much to worry about. I know it's easy to say that, but not necessearily easy to feel it.
It's not well known, but even during unprotected sex, HIV is difficult to transmit. The virus is fragile & the conditions have to be perfect. That being said, I'm not trying to talk down the risk because there are people who have been infected through their only unsafe encounter & others who have never caught it. At a different point in my life (think chemically enhanced), I regularly engaged in risky behaviour, occasionally with guys I knew were poz. I remain neg to this day, although I now avoid high risk behaviour.
If, by some small chance, you have been infected, your life will go on with little change on a day to day basis. The studies on average lifespan aren't really reliable. Remember that 20 years ago was the height of the AIDs epidemic in western society. People were dying earlier, particularly before 2000. The medication wasn't as good and the survivors from that period are now living better lives on the new regimes. An uncle of mine was infected in the mid 80s, his quality of life today is better than it was a decade ago. Also, viruses tend to weaken over generations and HIV seems to be no exception. In western countries those who are not on medication are staying healthier for longer.
I believe that one of the biggest problems that people living with HIV have is a social one. The constant fear of rejection and discrimination would be hard to live with & even harder to overcome. The thing is, a lot of people are probably more accepting than we realise. I would have no issues being in a relationship with a poz guy, if I was into him. One night stands would even be on the cards... Hell, I can't think of any situation where I'd discriminate on sero status, except that these days I'd play safe. It's the stigma which causes a lot of pain. I went two years thinking that I was probably poz, but wasn't willing to find out. I wasn't afraid of the disease, I finally worked out that my fears were all based around the impact being poz would have on my social life & relationships. Which is the same thing I'm getting from your post, because there's really no way of understanding the health implications unless you're diagnosed.
You're getting a lot of supportive messages, but you're going through your thing. That's fair enough. I have to wonder, though, what kind of support the other guy is getting. It would probably mean a lot if you (i hate the term) reached to him. It doesn't sound like he did anything wrong and he's probably terrified of what your reaction might be. His interactions at this point will colour all his future relationships and affect how he copes with the disease. Because of the situation, you're in a unique position. You have the ability to show him that rejection isn't the only reaction people will have. All you have to do is show him some level of support & friendship, maybe even take his mind off it.
I hope you're feeling better and that the stress is diminished. I'm sure you'll be ok.
Mac
By the way, from the 2nd paragraph of your post, am I guessing right that you suspect he already knew that he was positive before the first date?
I'm sorry to read of your distressing news. I hope everything turns out well for you.
I don't think there is anything wrong with the way you reacted. Even if it doesn't have to be fatal, it's still not a good thing to have.
Good luck.
Matt, first off, I'd like to say you've been in my thoughts.
As to the comment a few posts before, I hope the doctor ordered a PCR DNA test in addition. As we all should know by now there is a window of time before antibodies are produced. That is what the most common HIV test are based on. Newly infected people usually have VERY high viral load before they even know they are positive and therefore have the greater chance of passing on the virus during that time frame.
I like what Mac had to say.
You're in my thoughts Matt <3
I was in a very similar situation last year, I got a test on February after 7 months of being nervous about it. I lost 35 pounds.
I wasn't as brave as you are about getting tested right away. I tested negative. And on the plus size I'm thinner now. ;)
Good luck, hope everything works out well for you!
I also wanted to say, guys at the test center while doing the talk before the test said it was safer having sex or being in a relationship with someone who was positive than with someone you didn't know their status. Supposedly when someone postivie starts taking medication for HIV it makes it less likely to give it to someone else. That I didn't know until I got tested and they told me. Makes sense.
It’s strange I’ve stumbled over your blog right now, you’re a landmark in blogland to me since years, and that often means to forget there is a really person behind (that may sound a bit confused), my best wishes and prayers to you (from my heart).
I have been in your predicament and went through a very similar process. I have tested neg repeatedly, and it is true that transmission is a complex matter. For your own piece of mind get tested in three-month intervals. Two consecutive negative tests are a good indicator. But I also have many friends living healthily--and for decades--with HIV. I am constantly strengthened by their bravery and it helps keep everything in context. Good luck.
What a tribulation. Life offers no guarantees... aint it a bitch?
All the previous comments r fine, but nobody pointed out that even in the very remote possibility that u r infected... 20 years is the average time span NOW!!! Within the next 20 years there would be further advances, drugs, therapies, etc. Medical science never stands still.
just wanted to point that out...
i'll send good vibes your way...
-------------------------
Hi,
I hope you are dealing ok with this as the days pass. I know it may sound trite, but worrying about what the outcome may be right now will not change it - so go about your life... maybe have the guts to do things you otherwise would not. Don't dwell on it.
I also hope you've been able to talk to your friends about this is person. This is an important issue that needs a personal face. Many peple who know better engage in risky activity thinking that nothing will ever happen to them. Your personal story to those who care about you can help others avoid being put in the same position.
Something similar happened to a friend of mine recently. He had just started dating someone new, and saw a recent sexual partner on the news talking about living with HIV. There had been no disclosure in the bedroom, and my friend was understandably very upset. He was particularly worried about telling the guy he had just started seeing... it had only been a couple weeks at that point, and he wasn't sure about bringing something like this up with someone so new.
He's been to be tested, with no results back yet. He's had the discussion with the new guy, and everything is OK relationship-wise for now. He's also had to have a very uncomfortable and angry discussion with the former partner, who still maintains that he never put my friend in a risky situation (always condomed, didn't reach orgasm himself, etc.). That, franklym isn't the point: my friend should have been given the chance to decide what constituted risky behaviour with someone who was HIV positive.
I am so happy that I was able to be there for my friend and sit with him as he made very uncomfortable phone calls to the previous partner. I am glad that our other friends were also there for him. I am thankful for the chance to re-examine my own behaviour (for example: assuming that if someone has HIV they'd tell me, because it feels awkward to bring it up myself with a new partner, is just not acceptable).
Best of luck
I am so sorry you have to go through this. It is worrisome. I hope all comes out good for you buddy. You are brave to share this on your blog.
Onanite
the waiting period sucks, i know. but if you do have it, (you probably don't) as long as you stay healthy, you will probably not have to go on the cocktail at all. knowing is the worst part. staying healthy after is easy... keep you head up
Matt,
I am so so sorry that this thing has stampeded into your life. The post was difficult to read knowing the tremendous worry and anxiety you're experiencing. It is my hope and prayer that you are fine and that you can find some semblance of peace while waiting.
You will be in my thoughts and prayers (as will your friend).
Matt,
Be strong, and hang in there. If everything you did was low risk, your odds of sero-converting are tiny. I know you're probably scared witless anyway.
Remember you have "us" out here, most not the in-person kind of friend, but we care about you still. Your post so strongly conveys your nervousness, and I suspect I'd be just as nervous.
Know you reach out to thousands of us with your words, your wit, and compassion. We're still here.
-D
I hope your test comes back negative.
As I'm sure you've been told by your real-life friends (I haven't seen this advice here), until you are 100% certain that the person you are sleeping with is negative, ALWAYS assume they are positive and take the necessary precautions to protect yourself from infection. Not only from HIV, but from other STDs as well.
I don't know how many sex partners you can count in the past year, but I hope that number drops in the coming year as a result only of a "scare".
Protect yourself and protect your partner. Learn the facts of the risks and consequences of HIV and other STDs from licenced medical professionals or from medical publications.
Even low-risk behaviors have risk. Even condoms are not 100%.
Take care of yourself.
it's an excellent post because this is something ALL MEN need to keep right up front in our minds.
continue to talk about it, think it out, and suround yourself with support from friends.
Dude. Matt. I have read every post you've written, and they are usually pretty thought provoking, but this was rough. I can only imagine how this has been for you.
While I don't want to speculate about your odds of being pos/neg I do want to commend you for being able to share this tough moment with everyone, both strangers and people you know. That really takes a lot of courage.
Your situation and this post really highlight just how much we all need to think about this. It is a part of our existence. This is the main reason our friends and family worry about our safety as gay men. These viruses are equal opportunity. They see each of us as a viable host, and only care about their own survival and the survival of the species. They couldn't care less about our level of education, race, or socio-economic status. This is just the reality we have to live with as gay men.
Like every 15 year old girl that finds herself with child and thought, "That could never happen to me," I ask you, WHY NOT YOU? We are all equally susceptible to HIV/AIDS and it is only through our choices and actions that we change the odds.
So Matt, I hope that all of this is merely just a scare and nothing more. I hope that all that comes of this experience is that you learn from it and carry that knowledge with you as you go forward. Think positive (not THAT positive,but you know what I mean) thoughts, and take care of yourself. Do not allow this to consume you to the point that you neglect yourself. BE WELL.
Hello Matt,
I'm a fellow Bostonian, but I doubt we know each other. I would also like to extend my thoughts your way.
I hope everything works out for you and would encourage you to channel some of your fear to help support your new friend who has tested positive. I can't imagine how alone and frightened he must be - let alone the guilt he likely feels.
In the mid-90s I worked for a great organization called, AIDS Action Committee of Massachusetts (www.aac.org). AAC has a phone line that receives calls from all over the country and if you are ever feeling alone or afraid again, I would encourage you to call them at 800-235-2331.
You and your friend remain in my thoughts and prayers.
BosGuy
Bon courage. Le coeur serré de vie.
Matt
We are all thinking of you. Lots of love.
Jeremy
This is the first time I've read your blog and I was impressed with the honesty, directness and real desire to communicate that this entry gave. I really hope that it all comes back negative and, from what you say, it will. But everybody who's tested for HIV goes through the anxieties and the wait to find out, and you've done a lot to help by sharing your reactions and thoughts. And there are plenty of people who it doesn't come back negative for, and they need our support even more.
I'm very surprised by the amount of "support" in all these comments. If I didn't know better, I'd have thought it was written in the early 90's.
I don't deny your emotions and fears but if you don't have them after every time you have sex then your fears are phobic. You shouldn't have them because you KNOW you've had sex with a positive person - you should also react this way with every person you have sex with. Every sexually active person could be positive.
If you practice safer sex, get tested regularly and discuss both their HIV status and their sexual acts (what they like and what they have done might give you a better picture of their risk of being HIV positive then their admitted status), then you shouldn't be worried.
It's been said in the comments that it's less risky to have sex with HIV positive person then with someone who doesn't know their status. The thinking is that a person doing well on meds will have a viral an undetectable viral load - less then 50. A person who is infected and hasn't been treated can have a viral load of over 750,000 and thus be very infectious. Also, chances are a positive person will disclose their status before sex and thus have safer sex practices.
I'm sure you're neg and wish you well. This will be a hard time for your friend, please be their for him as friend even if you can't continue as a lover.
I've read your blog for a long time now, and it definitely helped in my coming out to my family about 8 monthes ago.
I'm a 26 year old medical student from Canada and my thoughts, like all of your other silent folowers' are with you.
Stay strong.
I'm a new reader of this blog and just wanted to wish all good to you.
Matt,
I don't feel like I should call you by your first name, as we've never met, but it's out there, so there I go. I've been reading your blog for a couple of years now off-and-on, and in these few words, I just want to say thank you for your stories and your example for closeted guys like me.
This is the first time, though, that one of your posts has propelled me to real action. After 1.5 years of being sexually active (in the first year, sometimes unprotected), your post inspired me to finally go get tested.
The results were negative. Thank you for your words and the weight you've helped lift off my shoulders.
-P.
I'm 21 and for what it's worth, a late bloomer. I've only been sexually active for 3 months!
I read this post when it was first published and I just re-read it again today.
I had a sexual encounter last night, and it was kind of out of ordinary. First of all, I have had a few drinks; I've only ever had sex when I was sober. Secondly, I took poppers for the first time. Not the best formula for a safe night.
I insisted on condom use. Somehow, through the middle of it all, he managed to get in there unprotected. Now I am having feeling severe anxiety over all of this.
I confronted him about this and he said it was in the heat of the moment and it was the drugs/alcohol. He also said he was clean and prudent on testing. But none of this brings me comfort. Being unprotected is risky and I don't have enough emotional capacity to deal with all that.
I always think the worst of situations and so I am freaking out over my first HIV test, which I am going in for soon.
I know my anxiety could have been spared had I been more sensible, but I feel so helpless now.
This is a wake up call to stay safe and stay sober!
JT-
You HAVE to go to the emergency room, and ask for PEP. You have to start this within 72 hours. Google "PEP" and you'll read up about it, but the faster you do it, the better chance of not getting HIV you'll have.
Matt!
I feel foolish replying to an older post but like others have stated, I appreciate your honesty.
If anything, this might encourage readers here to "play" more carefully in the future.
Hope you are well!
-Dean
Funny how no one suggests not having sex so soon with someone you just met....
Dear unknown,
I know for personnal experience it is very hard to keep thinking rationally this time. But, as you said, carrying HIV is no longer a death sentence, the real problem comes with dealing with it socially. Maybe a little bit of couseling and also dating a few HIV community members are a way out. But that just in case your are positive. Last time I watched, you have 1 in 12 chances to sleep with and HIV positive in southern california. So you are positive, most likely you were not infected by this mate of yours, for I understand you were very carefull.
If this can chill you up, I myself had unprottective sex encounter with one HIV positive and I didn´t became infected. It wasn´t like barebacking intentionaly, just happened.
Anyways, my thoughts, my prayers are with you in this though moment.
Take another test after the window period just to be sure, ok sweetie?
You are a very cool and nice guy, and we all love you very much!
Hugs, kisses
Eddy
Wow. I'm quite sure I don't know you (even being a native Bostonian,) but after your plea that people get in touch with you, even a year later, I just wanted to say I'm really glad you're OK. I somehow happened upon your blog today, and it's one of those weird things, how you can learn about someone's experience, and get pulled into it and emotionally invested. Luckily, since this all happened a while ago, I didn't have to wait for your result to be posted. (It's like the joy of watching an entire season of, like, Veronica Mars on DVD, not having to wait each week for the next episode.) Anyway, I'm WAY digressing, but congratulations. It's fantastic that you're OK, and I'm sorry you had that time of stress to suffer through. Sometimes living through those rough times is good for us, but it sure doesn't feel good while it's happening.
--Matt
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