the best kind of news
Well, the news is good! I don't have HIV. Of course, these tests aren't perfect so I won't know for sure until I get a clean bill of health at 3 months and 6 months. But my doctor insists I need not worry. There is very little chance I have HIV. I am so relieved, but will remain scared for 6 months.
First of all, I want to thank the MANY of you who took the time to try to comfort me. I wish I hadn't been so busy these last few weeks, or I would have tried to respond to each of you personally. I'm sorry I haven't posted about my thoughts in the meantime, but I just needed to try to distract myself and proceed as if life were normal. Thank you for your patience. It means A LOT to know that there are people out there who care about me. It was (and continues to be) a rough period.
I have to say, it was really disheartening that some people were intentionally cruel, and others were insensitive. Having been blogging for 3 years, I have attracted my share of trolls, so my skin is pretty thick. But if there are people who would be mean to me in this situation, I imagine they are mean to others in this situation. It's just sad. Telling me I don't have a right to post about other (frivolous) things until I gave you an update...Telling me the doctors are lying about my life expectancy chances to make me feel better...Telling me that there is a 100% chance I will eventually get AIDS...that's just mean. Even if you're correct, sometimes its best to just keep your mouth shut. Just because you don't know who I am doesn't mean I don't have feelings. For those of you that acted in bad taste, I hope that if you ever run across someone else in this situation, you will think about how you would want others to treat you.
But for the vast majority of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are good people.
I realize I have a bit of a soapbox here, and I just have to use it because this is so important. Most of us weren't around for the big AIDS epidemic in the 80's, so we don't realize how serious it is. So, a few thoughts.
Yes, I was told about Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). Thank you for the suggestion. As somebody said, it's best if started 1 to 2 hours after exposure, and I didn't find out about my friend's status until about 2 weeks after the sex that would have exposed me. While it's good for people to know PEP is out there in an emergency, I don't want you thinking it's some "morning after pill" that will solve all your problems. It is NOT a substitute for safe sex. It's just a hail mary pass after you've fucked up.
Some people said things about the disease in an effort to try to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. But I wouldn't want somebody reading this and thinking they're getting a sufficient education about HIV. It may be true that HIV is fragile and in some circumstances hard to transmit. It may be true that there is a low likelihood of transmission if people have low viral loads (and if you want to date a guy with HIV, I highly recommend you look into it, because you CAN have a safe sexual relationship with an HIV positive guy. There is NO reason not to date a guy just because he's HIV positive...don't discriminate!)
But having said all that, you MUST proceed as if every new sexual partner has HIV. It is the ONLY safe thing to do. Do not assume he is negative. Assume he is positive! Even if you ask him and he says no, HE MAY NOT KNOW HIS OWN STATUS! My friend didn't. And some will lie (wouldn't you want to?)
This is sobering (or should be): Even if somebody says he just got tested yesterday and shows you his paperwork and a photo ID to prove it's real, he could still have HIV! The tests have a window period. The guy could have been infected the day before his test, and still get a negative result. But he CAN infect you! And if he was just infected, he probably has a very high viral load, and the chances are greater. Even if the guy is a total boy scout and would never lie (and is, in fact, NOT lying) you still need to be careful!
The ONLY time you should ever have unprotected sex is if you are totally monogamous, you get tested, you both remain monogamous (and protected) for 6 months, and get tested again. If you are both still negative, then it's probably ok to relax a little. HOWEVER, if there is a chance of cheating, then the whole cycle has to start over. And since gay guys seem prone to cheat (something I'm going to talk about soon), it's really not safe to have unprotected sex even with your long term partner. It's just not worth it!
If somebody is willing to have unsafe sex with you, then he has been willing to do it with other guys too. ASSUME THAT HE HAS HIV!!!
It is (apparently, though I'm not a doctor) true that different sexual practices have varying degrees of likelihood of HIV transmission. Being a top is slightly better than being a bottom. Pulling out before you cum is better than cumming inside (obviously). Receiving a blow job is better than giving one. Giving a blowjob is better than anal sex. Spitting is better than swallowing etc. But DO NOT assume that just because you're an exclusive top who always pulls out and never gives head means you can't get it. You CAN! If you have, for example, an 80% chance of not getting it, you still have a 20% chance of getting it! That's too high!
You should be aware of all sorts of things that increase your chances of getting it. There are many more to be aware of, which I recommend you study, but keep these in mind:
-If you brush your teeth, floss, visit the dentist or eat sharp things like chips right before giving a blowjob, you are much more likely to have small open wounds in your mouth through which the virus can travel. Saliva and stomach fluids may be inhospitable environments for HIV, but if you have a direct path into your bleeding gums, it's not good.
-If you use the wrong size condom or use the wrong kind of lube, the chances of it breaking are much greater, and the chances of transmission are higher.
-Lamb-skin condoms (why do they even make that shit anymore??) may keep you from getting pregnant, but they will NOT stop HIV.
-The sluttier the boy you're sleeping with, the greater likelihood he has come into contact with HIV recently and doesn't know it.
-If you or your partner trim your pubic and/or ass hair (and please, you should), you may have a razor mishap and have bleeding wounds right in the neighborhood that matters most. You probably can't see your own asshole, so just assume you nicked yourself. And since you probably trim right before a hot date, it's probably still bleeding by the time you get in bed. I don't know about for y'all, but sometimes condoms don't reach all the way to the base of the dick, so there is some exposed (potentially bleeding) dick skin coming into contact with exposed (potentially bleeding) ass skin. Not good.
You should, of course, also make yourselves aware of all the other STDs out there, which you can still get even if you do everything you should to avoid HIV.
I'm being overly cautious now, and yes, I AM trying to scare you. It would be ideal if we all came to a happy medium and actually knew all the dangers, but also knew what was safe. Then we wouldn't unnecessarily discriminate against our HIV+ brothers as if they're lepers. Let me repeat what I said before. You CAN have a safe lifelong sexual relationship with a guy who has HIV. There is nothing to be afraid of if you take the right steps. But since I think our community has swung too far to the unsafe side, it's best to just assume everybody you sleep with has it until you know otherwise. It's good to be a little scared. If you live in a big city and sleep around a bit, chances are you already HAVE slept with somebody who has HIV. So just be safe, and you won't have anything to regret.
I'm glad so many of you wrote to say that my story caused you to get tested. Please do! All of you! It's usually free, it's very quick, it's anonymous, and you'll get peace of mind. It's not fair to sleep with other people and not know your own status. Go get tested!
Please go to this website to learn more about HIV. We could ALL stand to learn something new.
Thank you again for showing you care. It was very special.
First of all, I want to thank the MANY of you who took the time to try to comfort me. I wish I hadn't been so busy these last few weeks, or I would have tried to respond to each of you personally. I'm sorry I haven't posted about my thoughts in the meantime, but I just needed to try to distract myself and proceed as if life were normal. Thank you for your patience. It means A LOT to know that there are people out there who care about me. It was (and continues to be) a rough period.
I have to say, it was really disheartening that some people were intentionally cruel, and others were insensitive. Having been blogging for 3 years, I have attracted my share of trolls, so my skin is pretty thick. But if there are people who would be mean to me in this situation, I imagine they are mean to others in this situation. It's just sad. Telling me I don't have a right to post about other (frivolous) things until I gave you an update...Telling me the doctors are lying about my life expectancy chances to make me feel better...Telling me that there is a 100% chance I will eventually get AIDS...that's just mean. Even if you're correct, sometimes its best to just keep your mouth shut. Just because you don't know who I am doesn't mean I don't have feelings. For those of you that acted in bad taste, I hope that if you ever run across someone else in this situation, you will think about how you would want others to treat you.
But for the vast majority of you, I thank you from the bottom of my heart. You are good people.
I realize I have a bit of a soapbox here, and I just have to use it because this is so important. Most of us weren't around for the big AIDS epidemic in the 80's, so we don't realize how serious it is. So, a few thoughts.
Yes, I was told about Post Exposure Prophylaxis (PEP). Thank you for the suggestion. As somebody said, it's best if started 1 to 2 hours after exposure, and I didn't find out about my friend's status until about 2 weeks after the sex that would have exposed me. While it's good for people to know PEP is out there in an emergency, I don't want you thinking it's some "morning after pill" that will solve all your problems. It is NOT a substitute for safe sex. It's just a hail mary pass after you've fucked up.
Some people said things about the disease in an effort to try to make me feel better, and I appreciate it. But I wouldn't want somebody reading this and thinking they're getting a sufficient education about HIV. It may be true that HIV is fragile and in some circumstances hard to transmit. It may be true that there is a low likelihood of transmission if people have low viral loads (and if you want to date a guy with HIV, I highly recommend you look into it, because you CAN have a safe sexual relationship with an HIV positive guy. There is NO reason not to date a guy just because he's HIV positive...don't discriminate!)
But having said all that, you MUST proceed as if every new sexual partner has HIV. It is the ONLY safe thing to do. Do not assume he is negative. Assume he is positive! Even if you ask him and he says no, HE MAY NOT KNOW HIS OWN STATUS! My friend didn't. And some will lie (wouldn't you want to?)
This is sobering (or should be): Even if somebody says he just got tested yesterday and shows you his paperwork and a photo ID to prove it's real, he could still have HIV! The tests have a window period. The guy could have been infected the day before his test, and still get a negative result. But he CAN infect you! And if he was just infected, he probably has a very high viral load, and the chances are greater. Even if the guy is a total boy scout and would never lie (and is, in fact, NOT lying) you still need to be careful!
The ONLY time you should ever have unprotected sex is if you are totally monogamous, you get tested, you both remain monogamous (and protected) for 6 months, and get tested again. If you are both still negative, then it's probably ok to relax a little. HOWEVER, if there is a chance of cheating, then the whole cycle has to start over. And since gay guys seem prone to cheat (something I'm going to talk about soon), it's really not safe to have unprotected sex even with your long term partner. It's just not worth it!
If somebody is willing to have unsafe sex with you, then he has been willing to do it with other guys too. ASSUME THAT HE HAS HIV!!!
It is (apparently, though I'm not a doctor) true that different sexual practices have varying degrees of likelihood of HIV transmission. Being a top is slightly better than being a bottom. Pulling out before you cum is better than cumming inside (obviously). Receiving a blow job is better than giving one. Giving a blowjob is better than anal sex. Spitting is better than swallowing etc. But DO NOT assume that just because you're an exclusive top who always pulls out and never gives head means you can't get it. You CAN! If you have, for example, an 80% chance of not getting it, you still have a 20% chance of getting it! That's too high!
You should be aware of all sorts of things that increase your chances of getting it. There are many more to be aware of, which I recommend you study, but keep these in mind:
-If you brush your teeth, floss, visit the dentist or eat sharp things like chips right before giving a blowjob, you are much more likely to have small open wounds in your mouth through which the virus can travel. Saliva and stomach fluids may be inhospitable environments for HIV, but if you have a direct path into your bleeding gums, it's not good.
-If you use the wrong size condom or use the wrong kind of lube, the chances of it breaking are much greater, and the chances of transmission are higher.
-Lamb-skin condoms (why do they even make that shit anymore??) may keep you from getting pregnant, but they will NOT stop HIV.
-The sluttier the boy you're sleeping with, the greater likelihood he has come into contact with HIV recently and doesn't know it.
-If you or your partner trim your pubic and/or ass hair (and please, you should), you may have a razor mishap and have bleeding wounds right in the neighborhood that matters most. You probably can't see your own asshole, so just assume you nicked yourself. And since you probably trim right before a hot date, it's probably still bleeding by the time you get in bed. I don't know about for y'all, but sometimes condoms don't reach all the way to the base of the dick, so there is some exposed (potentially bleeding) dick skin coming into contact with exposed (potentially bleeding) ass skin. Not good.
You should, of course, also make yourselves aware of all the other STDs out there, which you can still get even if you do everything you should to avoid HIV.
I'm being overly cautious now, and yes, I AM trying to scare you. It would be ideal if we all came to a happy medium and actually knew all the dangers, but also knew what was safe. Then we wouldn't unnecessarily discriminate against our HIV+ brothers as if they're lepers. Let me repeat what I said before. You CAN have a safe lifelong sexual relationship with a guy who has HIV. There is nothing to be afraid of if you take the right steps. But since I think our community has swung too far to the unsafe side, it's best to just assume everybody you sleep with has it until you know otherwise. It's good to be a little scared. If you live in a big city and sleep around a bit, chances are you already HAVE slept with somebody who has HIV. So just be safe, and you won't have anything to regret.
I'm glad so many of you wrote to say that my story caused you to get tested. Please do! All of you! It's usually free, it's very quick, it's anonymous, and you'll get peace of mind. It's not fair to sleep with other people and not know your own status. Go get tested!
Please go to this website to learn more about HIV. We could ALL stand to learn something new.
Thank you again for showing you care. It was very special.
posted by Matt at 11:54 AM
23 Comments:
And since gay guys seem prone to cheat (something I'm going to talk about soon), it's really not safe to have unprotected sex even with your long term partner. It's just not worth it!
And you're not being mean? In one sentence you deny the basis of the long term relationship I have with my partner.
You, young man, are an idiot.
I'm going to say that Willem is a patronizing "idiot" for saying that. He isn't denying you anything.
Then I'm going to say, as I've been saying here for a long time, that Matt is, I believe, an exceptionally well-informed and well-intentioned young man, clearly from a privileged background which he has never hidden in any way, and to a 70 year old queer dude like myself I think he represents a faith in a better future that I find so admirable that I just have to say so. I meet a lot of bright and charming young gay guys here in Miami and some have become friends, and I love that I can do that and not feel like an old fart, and not be treated like one. I am convinced that knowing Matt would be like that too, and this post is a long (very long, lol) example of his quite amazing ability to express himself in this wonderful way, on this amazing internet that may yet change the world for the better (and in Iran it is doing just that in its way, and more power to those brave people)
So good wishes to you Matt as always, and have a wonderful time in Italy - there is no way you can't have a wonderful time in Italy, btw. It does something to ya!
There are a few inaccuracies in your post. Primarily in using the term safe sex along with the assumption that condoms represent a bullet proof shield and will definately protect you.
The failure rate of condoms can be as high as 40% and as low as 1% when looking at large sample sizes, no condom is 100% effective at blocking 100% of virus particles. Virus particles are much much smaller than sperm. Many condoms are not even waterproof!
If you choose to have a long term sexual relationship with a HIV positive partner, there is a reasonable chance that you will also become positive. The studies on this have small sample sizes, so it is currently impossible to quantify the risk. The reason is because of condom failure rates and human error, which none of us can escape.
Even if everything isn't perfect, it's the thought and the consideration that matters. I've never had sex, but when the time comes, I'll be sure to be extremely safe. I don't want to gamble my life on something as simple as using protection.
I'm glad it came back negative for HIV; I await your next post about cheating.
Jonathan.
Hurray for being HIV- on this test! In all likelihood you'll stay HIV- for the next 6 months.
Risk behavior modification is perhaps the strongest prevention against HIV/AIDS but also among the most difficult to effect. While the chances of getting HIV per encounter can be very small, its mere presence is scary enough.
God, so many topics in this one post to comment on.
Willem is the idiot. Matt didn't say ALL gay men cheat. He said gay men are PRONE to cheat. If you don't believe that fact, I have some beachfront property I would like to talk to you about. If you have a truly monogamous relationship, good for you. But for the rest of us, there's just not that certainty. Frankly I think it's not that gay men are prone to cheat. It's more like MEN are prone to cheat.
Anonymous sounds like one of those abstinence only proponents. 40% failure rate??? Where the hell are you getting that figure? If you use a condom properly, and admittedly that's a big IF, condoms are pretty much 100% effective at preventing HIV transmission.
And finally to Matt. I had absolutely no doubt that you would get a negative result. If you didn't get fucked bareback, there's virtually zero chance that you could have been infected. HIV is inhibited by saliva, so things like kissing, blow jobs, etc have very little chance of transmitting the virus.
As someone who was old enough to be around when the epidemic started, I used to be terrified of HIV. But now I know that it is difficult to transmit and there are certain acts that lend themselves to transmission. It doesn't sound like you engaged in that.
What I'm saying is, yes get tested again in 3 months, but don't lose any sleep over it in the meantime.
Some links with info on the effectiveness of condoms against HIV/AIDS (for you information):
http://www.infoforhealth.org/pr/h9/h9chap4_2.shtml
http://www.advocatesforyouth.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=416&Itemid=177
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Condom#In_preventing_STDs
I think "highly effective" would be a good label for condoms...
Anyhow, its good to know that one less person is infected.
I got my information from the Weller and Davis 2004 meta analysis entitled, Condom effectiveness in reducing heterosexual HIV transmission. Meta analysis means the authors looked at all of the data underlying previous studies in order to create a larger sample size, and hopefully a more accurate estimate of condom effectiveness. If you read the actual paper they explain in lots of detail the limitations of the data and any resulting analysis.
It should be noted that it is harder for HIV to be transmitted through vaginal sex as opposed to anal sex.
The 40% failure rate represents the lower extreme of condom failure, where flawed technique and\or a bad condom is used. I think everyone should be aware that every condom you buy has not been tested for effectiveness. Only samples from each manufactured batch are tested. It is possible to that you might use a condom that has 0% effectiveness at blocking HIV particles.
With proper technique condoms are considered on AVERAGE to be 85% effective at blocking HIV transmission in VAGINAL sex. You should assume a lower average for anal sex.
I am not an abstinence only advocate. I just feel strongly about everyone having the best information possible, and in particular dispelling myths and urban legends regarding sexual practices, kind of like your statement that condoms when used correctly are practically 100% effective. Where did you get your information?
i'm gonna go out on a limb here and assume that you'd include my comment among the "insensitives"--and going back and reading it now, i can see you'd be right.
see, my thinking at the time was, instead of handholding, i'd look at what had happened to you rationally, put it in perspective and, in so doing, perhaps diminish your anxiety a little--you know, "snap out of it; you'll be fine."
at least that's what i told myself--in retrospect, it came across as harsh and kind of snarky, and probably not at all what you needed at the time.
which was not only unfair to you, it's also ironic, since at the same time i was seemingly making light of your very real fear, i was in the process of writing what would become a three-parter on my own blog about how my first brush with aids sent me back into the closet for five years.
by the time i finally did come out for real, i had done my research, looked at the averages, worked through my risk/pleasure analysis and decided exactly how far i was willing to push the envelope--and, decision made, i never really worried about hiv again.
i guess i forgot for a minute that, before i went through that process, i was scared shitless too.
i have a friend--he's in his forties now, an attractive and successful guy--who, since the day he came out at 22, has never put a raw dick in his mouth, ever. his sex life now is the same as it was then--oral with condoms, frottage and masturbation, and avoiding the other guy's spooge like ... well, like the plague.
he and i are at very different points on the safe(r)-sex spectrum, but everybody has to decide for themselves on the risk/pleasure ratio they're comfortable with--it's all about educating yourself, as you have found out.
anyway, i'm glad you're ok, and i hope you'll accept my apology.
Glad to hear the test came back negative. Ignore all the pricks out there, it's just not worth worrying about.
j
Hope my comments weren't considered negative. They weren't intended that way & I reread them later to ensure that they weren't unintentially critical. If they seemed to be so, I apologise.
To clarify a (from what I understand) inaccuracy in anonymous' comments. Anal sex is riskier than vaginal sex for the receptive partner. However, for the penetrative participent the opposite (if lube is used) is true as vaginal fluids carry the virus, as compared to the essentially dry anus.
Other than that, I'm glad that you have some piece of mind. While you still have some months before final clearance, it is extremely rare for sero-conversion to occur after 4 weeks. So keep your spirits up, or when it italy, wine.
Mac
Happy for you and am sure a huge burden is now lifted off of your shoulders. Now go out have some fun and always remember the risks will be around you whether or not you choose to play risky is up to you... be safe our friend and remember this moment for the rest of your life.
thanks for the update, and i am truly happy for the results. more so, i think the advice you gave is valuable to all your readers, whether in a monogamous relationship or not, whether gay, straight or bi, whether careful all the time or sometimes less than careful... all good things.
thanks for the info... and hoping everything turns out well.
matt, thanks for taking the time to write this. you are doing a good deed and hopefully making people make better choices.
Glad to hear the results are negative!!!
Depending on who you talk to, swallowing is better than spitting because it reduces contact with mucous membranes. It's still an open debate.
You should take an HIV awareness class at your local Red Cross or gay HIV/AIDS community center. Most centers offer the classes and incorporate a lot of group discussion concerning risk levels and risk awareness.
If you're interested, the community route is definitely a great way to broaden your perspective on HIV/AIDS and the risk level that you're comfortable with.
:D
Glad to hear you're okay.
THANK YOU for all of this information. Sometimes, I feel that information like this really hits the spot compared to searching it in google. When it's coming from someone with experience, it becomes completely real to me. So thank you for sharing this part of your life with us. Seriously. I am really glad that I read your blog.
great post, and it's true so many guys need to know this information and stay in the yellow and cautious about gay sex always!
I am more of an oral guy than anything but I still get tested just to know I"m staying safe.
and I'm a control freak about not brushing or flossing an hour before or after, which really sucks if I'm up later for some fun, and then have to stay up an hour extra to brush my teeth. serious. I always mouthwash immediately though. ha
anyway, thanks for the post. you're saying a lot of things that NEED to be said and HEARD.
It's a good reminder for all regardless of who they're having sex with. etc..
oh and I cracked up at the aside of "you should trim".. ha ha
thanks again.
later.
Your post made me decide to get tested after many years of not knowing. I just got the results back and I'm all clear.
Well as I'm young I'll take your advice to heart as my bf and i have begun discussing sex so your advice will do us well :D
thnx
x
Unfortunately, you discriminate against HIV+ men. Would you date one? No, you made it clean when you found out about your risk of contracting it.
I had a similar experience to yours. I did not break down like you because I was 100% sure that I had safe sex. I tested negative.
It is possible to have sex with HIV+ men when you take the right precautions.
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