high fidelity
I have been thinking a lot about monogamy, or lack thereof. It seems a strange thing for me to think about, since I don't have a boyfriend (dammit). But for some reason, the topic keeps coming up in my life. I find myself being asked for advice, or for action. But as much as I've thought and talked about it lately, I can't come to any conclusion, either in a general sense or with respect to what I would want in my own relationship.
Here are a few things that seem to be true. I'm generalizing, obviously, so don't have a coronary:
1. Guys are very visual. They see something beautiful, and they have to have it. They do stupid things to get it.
2. Guys are able to fool around without getting (as) emotionally meepy about it. It's kinda like masturbating, but using somebody else's body instead of a fleshlight. Guys don't seem to particularly care whether the guy loves them when it's over, and they don't necessarily expect a relationship to come out of it.
3. Notwithstanding #2, guys do get jealous and get their feelings hurt. Even though sex and emotion don't always go together, they often do. Particularly when you're well into the relationship.
4. Guys are hard-wired to want to sow their wild oats (or whatever metaphor you like). At least from what I've been told, the propagation of the species used to depend on guys impregnating whatever females they could get. Society may have domesticated us a bit, but our animal instincts don't seem to have changed. And whatever gene makes us horny seems to be connected to the one that makes us male, not the one that makes us straight.
5. Guys have trouble articulating their feelings/desires. So there is rarely a productive "defining the relationship" talk that sets out rules both can agree on.
6. Guys will agree to just about anything in order to be allowed to stick it where they want to (see #1). So even if the couple discusses "the rules", and they very clearly agree to have an open relationship, it's likely that one is more into it than the other, and is just saying what he has to say to get the relationship going. Once the other one strays, feelings are hurt.
7. "The rules" that western society runs on were designed by and for straight people, and are heavily influenced by religion.
8. People are hypocrites. They want the rules to apply only to the other person.
9. Totally open communication is hard, because there are some things we'd rather not know. Particularly when it comes to our lovers being interested in others. And the lies and half-truths tend to snowball, until it's too late.
Here are some things I know to be true about me (I'm not generalizing anymore):
A. I get bored easily. When I do get a boyfriend, it probably won't be long before I want to sleep with somebody else.
B. I'm very insecure, particularly about my looks, so if my boyfriend even expresses interest in sleeping with somebody else, I'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he's falling in love with the other guy, and out of love with me.
C. Threesomes are hot. I'm all for it. But see #2.
D. I like it when other guys find my lover desirable.
E. I am way too good at talking myself into things, but not good enough. I could definitely see me convincing myself I want an open arrangement, being devastated when my boy uses the opportunity, and then being unable to convince myself I'm not hurt by it. But I'd want to try to pretend, wouldn't tell him I feel bad, and it would happen again.
F. I (thus far) have only dated people who I consider to be hotter than me. So if we have an open relationship, he'd probably get more play than me, and I'd be jealous.
So here are various scenarios that have cropped up in my life recently to make me think about this:
I. Max and Eric started dating, but things weren't settled for a long time, because Eric was still in the closet. Max was dating somebody else for the first year and a half of this relationship, but Eric didn't know it. Then they became monogamous for a long time. Then Eric moved to another city. They did the long-distance thing, and were faithful, but Eric met somebody else. When Max and Eric finally broke up, Eric went immediately to the guy that he'd met, leading Max to think they'd been cheating. He was hurt.
II. Jason and Dirk had an agreement that its ok to sleep with other people, as long as the other one is invited to join. Dirk is much hotter than Jason. Dirk started making out with a colleague of Jason's at a party, took him to a room, and started fooling around. Jason searched the house, found them together, and joined in. Everybody was happy.
III. Adam and Steve had an agreement to be open. Steve didn't really want it, but agreed to it in order to keep Adam. Adam and Steve had threesomes, which seemed fine. Adam is a bit slutty, and slept with other randoms. Steve didn't like it, but knew he'd lose Adam if he said anything. Then Adam slept with one of Steve's friends. This was technically not against the rules they'd discussed, but was way outside Steve's comfort zone. Miscommunication = hurt feelings = breakup.
IV. Tom and Albert met at a sex club. They have been together for 15 years, and are married. Their relationship has always been open. They both sleep with (and even date!) other guys. As time passed, Albert became more domestic/traditional, and Tom became more slutty. This makes Albert jealous, but he is reluctant to say anything because he's afraid to seem uncool or weak, and because it's hard to change the rules after 15 years. They generally have excellent communication skills, so they talk most of it through, and it's working for now. They're considering a third person in the relationship (not just for sex).
V. Joe and Mark had recently moved in together, and Mark was admittedly "possessive." One of Mark's friends off-handedly complimented Joe, and Joe tattled. Mark flipped out, openly accusing the friend of trying to steal Joe from him. The friendship ended.
VI. Henry and Chris had been together about 4 years. They'd just bought a house together, and seemed the very picture of domestic bliss. They had an agreement to be monogamous. Henry went to P-town with some buddies, and he sucked one of them off. He confessed to Chris, who was crushed. In order to save the relationship, Henry agreed to give Chris full access to all his email and Facebook etc, and never speak to that friend again. Trust is broken.
VII. Jordan knows he's a slut, and doesn't want to be. He has cheated on his boyfriends in the past, and it hasn't ended well. He's smitten with a new guy, and wants to become monogamous to please this guy. Yet within the first few weeks of their dating, Jordan got jerked off by a masseuse, sucked off one of his friends, and fucked a random guy at a club (yes, AT the club). He feels guilty. Somebody will probably end up being hurt.
There are more, but I'm tired of typing. And yes, I have become aware of all of these within the last 6 months. Drama, right? Ugh. And no, I'm not necessarily involved in any of them. It doesn't matter, so don't bother speculating.
From all of these experiences, and from the things I know about life and about me, here's what I think right now: I don't think we should impose on ourselves any kind of norm, like there is in the straight world. Those rules have been imposed on us by our hetero-normative Christian society. If it works for some couples, wonderful. If it doesn't work for others, they shouldn't feel they're wrong for trying out different arrangements. Monogamy shouldn't be the default. The couple should talk about it and do what's right for them. And then they should KEEP talking about it, all the time, because their feelings will change. They should be willing to re-evaluate not only the rules about monogamy, but the relationship itself. There's no reason to fool yourself and stay in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Life is too short.
My totally unsubstantiated guess is that if all gay guys were truly honest about what they want, most would like to try an open relationship (or at least they'd like to sleep around themselves, if not also let their partner do it). And most relationships would fall apart as a result. So maybe gay guys aren't cut out for "til death do us part," unless they truly have found the one they're meant to be with forever, and either have eyes only for each other, or can withstand the competition and avoid the jealousy. When you've got two people in a relationship who are visually oriented and hard-wired to sow their wild oats, it's hard.
In my case, an open relationship would be ideal. But it could only work if the communication was COMPLETELY open and honest, and if I could somehow believe that the sex my guy was having was ONLY of the "just for fun, no emotion involved" variety. I would have to know that he loves only me, and will love only me forever. Of course, that's impossible. The more he sleeps with others, the more likely he is to find somebody else he loves more. And the less likely he is to want to tell me about it, because he'd know I'd be hurt. The lies will snowball. I will get hurt. And that, of course, is why we insist on sexual monogamy: to protect emotional fidelity.
I do believe what I said earlier, that life is too short to be with somebody you no longer love. Emotional fidelity is stupid if you could be happier without it. But, of course, I'm a hypocrite. I believe it in theory, but not if it means the guy I love will leave me for somebody else. I want an open relationship, but I want a lifelong partner more. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I've bought into the hetero-normative ideal. And maybe it's unfair and possessive and unnatural, but I think I would probably rather draw a line in the sand about sex with others, so that the emotions couldn't develop with others. The emotions could develop anyway, of course, but it's an effective prophylactic.
So what does that mean when it's all boiled down? In an effort to preserve a relationship one or both of us may not want forever if we knew better, I'd rather we both deny ourselves the opportunity to find somebody we love more? Or, more honestly, in order to prevent my lover from finding somebody he loves more than me, I'm willing to forego the opportunity to find somebody I love more? That doesn't sound very good.
I don't know. This is already too long and I'm hurting my head.
Thoughts?
Here are a few things that seem to be true. I'm generalizing, obviously, so don't have a coronary:
1. Guys are very visual. They see something beautiful, and they have to have it. They do stupid things to get it.
2. Guys are able to fool around without getting (as) emotionally meepy about it. It's kinda like masturbating, but using somebody else's body instead of a fleshlight. Guys don't seem to particularly care whether the guy loves them when it's over, and they don't necessarily expect a relationship to come out of it.
3. Notwithstanding #2, guys do get jealous and get their feelings hurt. Even though sex and emotion don't always go together, they often do. Particularly when you're well into the relationship.
4. Guys are hard-wired to want to sow their wild oats (or whatever metaphor you like). At least from what I've been told, the propagation of the species used to depend on guys impregnating whatever females they could get. Society may have domesticated us a bit, but our animal instincts don't seem to have changed. And whatever gene makes us horny seems to be connected to the one that makes us male, not the one that makes us straight.
5. Guys have trouble articulating their feelings/desires. So there is rarely a productive "defining the relationship" talk that sets out rules both can agree on.
6. Guys will agree to just about anything in order to be allowed to stick it where they want to (see #1). So even if the couple discusses "the rules", and they very clearly agree to have an open relationship, it's likely that one is more into it than the other, and is just saying what he has to say to get the relationship going. Once the other one strays, feelings are hurt.
7. "The rules" that western society runs on were designed by and for straight people, and are heavily influenced by religion.
8. People are hypocrites. They want the rules to apply only to the other person.
9. Totally open communication is hard, because there are some things we'd rather not know. Particularly when it comes to our lovers being interested in others. And the lies and half-truths tend to snowball, until it's too late.
Here are some things I know to be true about me (I'm not generalizing anymore):
A. I get bored easily. When I do get a boyfriend, it probably won't be long before I want to sleep with somebody else.
B. I'm very insecure, particularly about my looks, so if my boyfriend even expresses interest in sleeping with somebody else, I'll immediately jump to the conclusion that he's falling in love with the other guy, and out of love with me.
C. Threesomes are hot. I'm all for it. But see #2.
D. I like it when other guys find my lover desirable.
E. I am way too good at talking myself into things, but not good enough. I could definitely see me convincing myself I want an open arrangement, being devastated when my boy uses the opportunity, and then being unable to convince myself I'm not hurt by it. But I'd want to try to pretend, wouldn't tell him I feel bad, and it would happen again.
F. I (thus far) have only dated people who I consider to be hotter than me. So if we have an open relationship, he'd probably get more play than me, and I'd be jealous.
So here are various scenarios that have cropped up in my life recently to make me think about this:
I. Max and Eric started dating, but things weren't settled for a long time, because Eric was still in the closet. Max was dating somebody else for the first year and a half of this relationship, but Eric didn't know it. Then they became monogamous for a long time. Then Eric moved to another city. They did the long-distance thing, and were faithful, but Eric met somebody else. When Max and Eric finally broke up, Eric went immediately to the guy that he'd met, leading Max to think they'd been cheating. He was hurt.
II. Jason and Dirk had an agreement that its ok to sleep with other people, as long as the other one is invited to join. Dirk is much hotter than Jason. Dirk started making out with a colleague of Jason's at a party, took him to a room, and started fooling around. Jason searched the house, found them together, and joined in. Everybody was happy.
III. Adam and Steve had an agreement to be open. Steve didn't really want it, but agreed to it in order to keep Adam. Adam and Steve had threesomes, which seemed fine. Adam is a bit slutty, and slept with other randoms. Steve didn't like it, but knew he'd lose Adam if he said anything. Then Adam slept with one of Steve's friends. This was technically not against the rules they'd discussed, but was way outside Steve's comfort zone. Miscommunication = hurt feelings = breakup.
IV. Tom and Albert met at a sex club. They have been together for 15 years, and are married. Their relationship has always been open. They both sleep with (and even date!) other guys. As time passed, Albert became more domestic/traditional, and Tom became more slutty. This makes Albert jealous, but he is reluctant to say anything because he's afraid to seem uncool or weak, and because it's hard to change the rules after 15 years. They generally have excellent communication skills, so they talk most of it through, and it's working for now. They're considering a third person in the relationship (not just for sex).
V. Joe and Mark had recently moved in together, and Mark was admittedly "possessive." One of Mark's friends off-handedly complimented Joe, and Joe tattled. Mark flipped out, openly accusing the friend of trying to steal Joe from him. The friendship ended.
VI. Henry and Chris had been together about 4 years. They'd just bought a house together, and seemed the very picture of domestic bliss. They had an agreement to be monogamous. Henry went to P-town with some buddies, and he sucked one of them off. He confessed to Chris, who was crushed. In order to save the relationship, Henry agreed to give Chris full access to all his email and Facebook etc, and never speak to that friend again. Trust is broken.
VII. Jordan knows he's a slut, and doesn't want to be. He has cheated on his boyfriends in the past, and it hasn't ended well. He's smitten with a new guy, and wants to become monogamous to please this guy. Yet within the first few weeks of their dating, Jordan got jerked off by a masseuse, sucked off one of his friends, and fucked a random guy at a club (yes, AT the club). He feels guilty. Somebody will probably end up being hurt.
There are more, but I'm tired of typing. And yes, I have become aware of all of these within the last 6 months. Drama, right? Ugh. And no, I'm not necessarily involved in any of them. It doesn't matter, so don't bother speculating.
From all of these experiences, and from the things I know about life and about me, here's what I think right now: I don't think we should impose on ourselves any kind of norm, like there is in the straight world. Those rules have been imposed on us by our hetero-normative Christian society. If it works for some couples, wonderful. If it doesn't work for others, they shouldn't feel they're wrong for trying out different arrangements. Monogamy shouldn't be the default. The couple should talk about it and do what's right for them. And then they should KEEP talking about it, all the time, because their feelings will change. They should be willing to re-evaluate not only the rules about monogamy, but the relationship itself. There's no reason to fool yourself and stay in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Life is too short.
My totally unsubstantiated guess is that if all gay guys were truly honest about what they want, most would like to try an open relationship (or at least they'd like to sleep around themselves, if not also let their partner do it). And most relationships would fall apart as a result. So maybe gay guys aren't cut out for "til death do us part," unless they truly have found the one they're meant to be with forever, and either have eyes only for each other, or can withstand the competition and avoid the jealousy. When you've got two people in a relationship who are visually oriented and hard-wired to sow their wild oats, it's hard.
In my case, an open relationship would be ideal. But it could only work if the communication was COMPLETELY open and honest, and if I could somehow believe that the sex my guy was having was ONLY of the "just for fun, no emotion involved" variety. I would have to know that he loves only me, and will love only me forever. Of course, that's impossible. The more he sleeps with others, the more likely he is to find somebody else he loves more. And the less likely he is to want to tell me about it, because he'd know I'd be hurt. The lies will snowball. I will get hurt. And that, of course, is why we insist on sexual monogamy: to protect emotional fidelity.
I do believe what I said earlier, that life is too short to be with somebody you no longer love. Emotional fidelity is stupid if you could be happier without it. But, of course, I'm a hypocrite. I believe it in theory, but not if it means the guy I love will leave me for somebody else. I want an open relationship, but I want a lifelong partner more. Maybe I shouldn't. Maybe I've bought into the hetero-normative ideal. And maybe it's unfair and possessive and unnatural, but I think I would probably rather draw a line in the sand about sex with others, so that the emotions couldn't develop with others. The emotions could develop anyway, of course, but it's an effective prophylactic.
So what does that mean when it's all boiled down? In an effort to preserve a relationship one or both of us may not want forever if we knew better, I'd rather we both deny ourselves the opportunity to find somebody we love more? Or, more honestly, in order to prevent my lover from finding somebody he loves more than me, I'm willing to forego the opportunity to find somebody I love more? That doesn't sound very good.
I don't know. This is already too long and I'm hurting my head.
Thoughts?
posted by Matt at 9:20 PM
31 Comments:
Here's my take: The problem is that you're confusing love for attraction. A person can't help who he or she is attracted to, but a person can choose who to love. Love is a commitment, not a feeling.
I think I would personally want to avoid an open relationship where sex with others is involved for one principle reason:
The more the other person sleeps around with others, no matter how safe he/she is, the more likely that person will bring an STD back to me. And if I were to get a disease like that it would be near-instant truncation of the relationship.
In a world where people didn't have to worry about STDs (HIV/AIDS comes to mind with its own category) then I probably wouldn't mind an open relationship as much.
When I am in a relationship with somebody it is very important to me that we are monogamous. Male, female, gay or straight it doesn't matter! We all feel that temptation and at some point we will all have that desire to look elsewhere for sexual fulfillment. Love is a lot more than being with somebody that makes you feel good. It's about hardwork and sacrifice.
Saying that being monogamous is impossible because you are gay is total bullshit. That's a cowards way of thinking because you are too scared to fully put yourself out there and hope that somebody else will do the same for you. But if they won't or you aren't willing to, then it probably wasn't really love in the first place.
I agree with you completely. It's too long and it makes my head hurt.
Well, I haven't personally seen an open relationship that worked.
If you spend your whole life searching you will never have time to enjoy the beauty and wonder of commitment. There are 3 billion men in this world you're never going to try them all and there will always be a hotter one you've never fucked out there.
Love is not something to be played with or taken lightly. Love is the most precious thing you can have in your life. Having someone to rub their fingers through you hair and massage your back when you have a rough day, laugh about silly things you've done together, spend long starry nights with, and share your life with is more powerful and valuable then anything else in this huge world.
Don't let sex get mixed up with love. There is a huge difference between having sex and making love. A hot slutty boy might be nice for a night but in the morning when he's gone you'll feel worse than before and only have a sore ass to show for it.
Have fun, sleep around and get enough sexual experience under your belt so that when a good catch comes around you're ready to stick by his side. Sex is fun and important no here will argue with that but it's not the only thing in life. Live it up now and have a fucking blast but make sure there's a place in your life for true love when you're ready for it.
Living it up and looking the right boy to settle down with,
Alex
Some of what you wrote is hitting home right now. I just got involved in some sort of relationship with a boy.. and I say some sort because I have no idea what he really wants out of it, which goes along with your #5. I want to have that "defining the relationship" talk with him, but I'm afraid of what he'll say and then I'll end up being the guy that just goes along with it cuz the sex is good.
I like the guy but I guess I don't want to get too emotionally attached if that's not what he wants.. so I better have that talk soon.
I agree that men are hard-wired to want sex and it doesn't have to mean anything to them. That's why 2 men in a relationship tend to stray.
There are a lot of variations on 'open' though that people work out. Some guys only play together. Some only play while on vacation. That way, you aren't likely to see the trick again for it to turn into anything. Some outlaw repeats with the same guy -- again to remove the risk of building any attachment to a trick.
If the relationship is too open so that you can date other guys, I think that's really hard to make work in the long run. You're just asking for trouble.
The steady self
You may be relaxing in front of the television when a report comes on about the year’s Academy Awards, telling of the glitter and glory of the Oscars and exclusive post-ceremony parties. Someone remarks, “This is where the rest of the world would like to be.” Beneath the superficial enjoyment of the report, suddenly you get a sense of inferiority. “Who cares if people say it’s shallow, I want to be there! What have I done with my life that I am not on the list for that party? Am I really going back to my job on Monday morning?”
There is a phrase in psychology for this thinking: “object referral.” This means having a focus on others and seeking their approval. Hollywood is famously a shrine to external valuations of worth, where you are always wondering what people will think of your next audition, performance, or deal. This is basically a life of fear and, when things don’t turn out as you had hoped, of desperation. The Gita teaches that you can achieve a state where you don’t need any
external commendation to make you feel right; you know you are of real worth.
I have to say, I am launching towards year 7 of my relationship... I love my partner. Since day one I have know he is very sexual and in the begininng I was too, but I guess I got older and more attention turned to work. For the most part of this realationship it has been we only play together. We have fun hanging online and see who is out there... on occassion flirting with guys in bars and whatnot... just recently we entered into the open side of things... mainly because I have busted him several times having fun without me... to much to go into... but I really could not be mad because, I too had strayed a couple of times on business trips... so we had the hard conversation... he, having strayed more than I, really was not as open to the idea as I. My feeling is 'what's good for the goose, is good for the gander'... he feels, like you say... he can stray, but doesn't want me too. That I would not have... so we have opened it. My stipulation is that I want to know, even though he may not. I think I get a bit turned on about it to tell you the truth. I have always been turned on by him having sex with someone in front of me (and with me at the same time)... like a live porno of sorts. Am I a freak, probably. Will our relationship last? Who knows. But for now, I know if I stray, I don't have to feel bad or hide things and hope he does not find a brief email or message on manhunt... for him, he should feel the same about not having to walk on eggshells in hopes I won't find out (I always do)... Is this a phase for us, probably. We are in our 30's and I would like to say we have a few more good years in us, before we can pull up our rockers on the porch with a cocktail and look back at all of the fun we had in and out of the sheets... Just my two cents... now my head hurts
"Hey honey, you said you like threesomes. I brought home an STD. I hope you don't mind."
As long as your philosophy is, "why stay in a relationship if it doesn't make you happy...", then you won't ever have a relationship that lasts very long. A relationship takes a lot of work.
Then you state, "life is too short to be with somebody you no longer love." Once again, you're making everything depend on emotions that rise and fall, change and evolve. Love is not an emotion; love, as stated by someone earlier, is a commitment.
In my next life, I want to come back as a divorce attorney in LA. The emotional immaturity of that culture amazes me. You think your head hurts now? Just think of the suffering you have in store within your heart as you work through these issues. I don't want to judge you, but I do feel very sad when I read how you see things.
Me and my bfs policy is an open one with strict rules. Time frame, (im going to have sex with someone else in the next 3 weeks), veto powers( not tonight, not this weekend for this reason, normally, Im not comfortable with that tonight, I need you tonight, this is the wrong time), testing (we get tested exactly one week after a random hookup), no friends or acquaintances, no repeats(one night only per person and we don't talk about the hookups with each other beyond that they happened) and though randoms are fun our relationship comes first
Sadly, that's the mentality that keeps so many people single.
Relationships are all about compromise.
My thought, for now, Matt, is that you are not going to have "The boyfriend" for a while, yet.
Be good, and bad, be safe, be happy, be alive (as you evidently are) to the things that are not specifically sexual.
When do u go to Italy?
Monogamy in species is also to provide two parents for rearing young. You mentioned wanting children in your life.
It doesn't take sex to fall in love with someone else. It most often leads to breaking up the current partnership because the attraction is overwhelming. Burkhas are not an option so the risk is always there.
Commitment is both to a person and to the desire for a long term relationship. When troubles occur in the relationship the desire to work through them may be carried by the vision for the future together. If that has lost it's appeal the relationship will not sustain during troubled times.
There's a great book called The Ethical Slut that deals with all of the issues you've brought up. It's kind of a primer for how to make these kind of arrangements work.
Wow...great post and well-said. All I can add is what I learned from my life so far:
My first relationship was monogamous, which we both wanted, or so I thought. But 8 years into it I discovered my partner changed his mind and played around behind my back with several men. It was difficult for me to get the trust back, and even though we were together 18 years total until he died, we never really learned to communicate.
My second relationship started as a monogamous one but after a couple of years we decided to play together. Hot, hot, hot! My partner ended the relationship after 4 years. But it had nothing to do with sex or playing with others...he said I couldn't communicate and it drove him nuts, plus he had some personal issues not related to me.
Now I'm on my third (and hopefully FINAL) relationship. 2 and half years so far. Fortunately before I met my partner, during my single period, I went to counseling for about a year and learned (1) I can't be happy in a relationship if I'm not happy with myself. No one else can "make me happy". We can enrich each others' lives however. (2) A relationship cannot thrive without communication, the good, bad, the beautiful, and the ugly. (3) There is no right way for 2 or more gay men to have a loving relationship. It's only up to those involved to set up how the relationship will work. Again, it takes communication, consideration, and some give and take.
So now, thankfully, I'm in the happiest relationship of my life...and it's an open one, at least for now. Relationships are fluid.
My only problem with open relationships is listening to monogamous couples who preach that the rest of us should have one too. It especially peeved me when a couple we met put down open relationships. A few months later we learned that one partner had been cheating on the other.
To me CHEATING is the ugly word, not OPEN.
So, if you're against open relationships, then don't have one! Find someone who wants the same kind of relationship you do.
OK, now MY head is hurting a little. Thanks for letting me vent!
Wow you are very right on with this post, how come you are so smart?
My partner and I have been together for 25 years. We have had three ways and done other people separately. I am the jealous one in the relationship.
I can tell you that honesty in the relationship is essential for long term partnerships.
Onanite
don't you ever get lonely? don't all the other guys that just sleep around?
My views on monogamy are very simple. Monogamy is a choice. It's a choice for everyone, gay, straight, bisexual, whatever. The only difference is that in the straight society people tend to be less open about couples sleeping around. It does not make the numbers of cheaters and swingers in the straight world less. Their behaviour is questionable because they pretend to be someone they are not (monogamous, that is), not because they chose promiscuity.
Having said that, I should say that for me and my partner monogamy is the choice. It's just something we prefer, and we'll never be judgemental about people who want something different.
What I strongly disagree with in your post is those common denominator conclusions that lead your readers to an idea that open relationships are more suitable for gay guys. Nonsense! Something that both people in a relationship like better is more suitable. Hard work put into learning to communicate with one another is more suitable. That's it.
Another questionable thing is that There's no reason to fool yourself and stay in a relationship that no longer makes you happy. Life is too short. It's too close to all those TV series cliches... like "This does not work". Relationships, to the best of my knowledge, collapse due to two reasons: lies (does not matter, if a relationship is open or monogamous, it's lying and cheating that is destructive) and communication crisis (if you cannot communicate your concerns, or your stress, or your ambitions, you inevitably become frustrated and so closer to a breakup than ever). Being honest requires (for some people) to work on the willpower. Communication is something that should be nurtured by both sides, something that requires work. I don't think that a vague feeling of "not being happy" should imply abandoning your feelings, your partner, your past right away. Putting some effort instead does miracles.
Hi Matt,
recently I could my hands on a book which I find very interesting: "The Male Couple -- How Relationships develop" ISBN 0-13-547563-5 The authors are themselves a male couple and together for the last 12 years. Although the book may a bit outdated (1984) I found it nevertheless *very* interesting. Perhaps this book answers some questions?
We want variety and we want something constant.
I guess we have to find the balance - for me it's staying with the man I love - I know I'll never find a better man than him for me. He's the jealous one, so I confine my explorations into variety to chatrooms and that kind of thing. No STDs at least.
Based on what I read, and having read all of the other comments, I can't really form an opinion of what I think you should do, or what's right. Personally, I want monogamy; it works for me. However, I have to say that the biggest reasons I need monogamy are (1) to ensure that he's not cheating on me, because I'm the jealous type; and, (2) so that if he does cheat, I maintain the moral high-ground. It's a selfish reason, but I'd much rather be able to end the relationship based on his cheating, rather than my hypocrisy.
Relationships are a funny thing. My partner of the last 2 years and I have been together, been apart, been back together, been back apart, and in the times we were apart, I was the only one seeking sex elsewhere; he just needed something emotional elsewhere. That being said, we were both looking for something equally important elsewhere. Fortunately, we learned to find it in each other, but it's like others have said: love is a commitment, not just a feeling.
I don't know what you should do, Matt, and I don't think anyone can tell you what to do. Nonetheless, I personally think, based on what I've read of your blog for the past couple years, that you eventually do want monogamy; it's just not now. You're still learning to appreciate yourself and what you have to offer; with that comes the need for more time to fuck around and explore.
You'll get there and figure it out. You're a very bright guy. Don't stress so much. There is something to be said for just going with the flow and seeing what happens. You'll know what feels right.
You assume that males have trouble being monogamous, but then you seem to think that it's easier for straight guys. I'm sure there is cheating among straight couples. If not, country & western could never have gotten started. But there is no reason to give just gay guys a pass — or to assume that faithfulness is any more difficult for them than for straight guys — if your basic assumption about masculine psychology is true.
Disclaimer: I certainly am in no position to give relationship advice.
First, if your writings since the inception of this blog are even partially accurate in their reflection of your personality, feelings, etc., then when you find someone whom you love and wish to spend the rest of your life with the relationship MUST be completely monogamous. Why? Because the first and most important question you should ask yourself (and you have) is 'what do I want/need to make me secure and happy?'. My feeling is that you need a completely committed monogamous relationship and therefore there is no need to go any further in considering any other sorts of arrangements. Of course, you must not allow yourself to choose as your life partner someone who wants a different arrangement. You must be compatible in that respect and you must never allow yourself to be pulled into any other kind of relationship. There are no other attributes that can offset the misery you would be in.
Second, presumably we're talking about LOVE and not dating/sex, etc. Men are fully capable of being both committed and monogamous and you should settle for nothing less. There are undoubtedly MANY people in the world who would be a (workably) perfect match for you (and all of us). The trick is perhaps finding them. Once you find that person that you love so much you want to spend the rest of your life with them, I think you will have no interest in looking for someone you might "love more". If you do have such an interest, then you have a big problem, namely you deceived yourself in making your first relationship decision. Of course, this is very different from finding someone else attractive, and maybe even lusting for them physically. Those are things you should be able to control (or maybe indulge with your partner if so inclined).
Right now, despite your calculated life timelines and such, it seems that you are not ready for a committed lifelong relationship. That's OK. When you are you'll know it, and at that point you can pursue it. But, unless you have painted a drastically deceptive picture in your writings , you will be making a huge mistake, I think, if you ever embrace a long term (i.e presumably for the rest of your life) relationship that is anything but fully committed and monogamous.
My two cents worth.
Of course, it's clear you know this already, you're just trying to talk yourself into other possibilities. Don't do it. The thing that matters first and foremost is YOUR ability to be happy and secure.
hetero-normative Christian society? did you mean to add American to that? what about Judaism or Muslim? Jewish marriages attain to be monogamous I'm pretty sure, and then the Muslims I guess are allowed to have more than one wife etc.
I think if we compared it to European culture, perhaps they still value monogamy but I'm not sure if it's been completely affected by Christitanity, but perhpas. If you consider some latin countries where the male cheats or has a mistress and it sort of has to be overlooked by the wife, might explain male desire with no boundaries as such. I suppose same could be said for married homosexuals in the past. good post matt, many questions and ideas. I like hearing about your eye and ear in the homosexual community as compared to when you began the blog and what you expected or were not familiar with at that time. keep it up.
Maybe you can look at it this way. I think people can love more than one person, and that doesn't deminish the love that they have for their primary partner. A person can be in love with two people for completely different reasons, while at the same time loving them equally. Humans are not built for monogamy. What works for one couple may not work for another. It's just a matter of being open and trusting with each other. Anyways maybe you should try giving a listen to Dan Savage's podcast, "Savage Lovecast", if you haven't already. He is really insightful with the open relationship topic as well with all other sorts of sex and relationship questions for every lifestyle. Sorry if it sounded like an infomercial at the end, but I couldn't recommend it more.
this is as insightfully honest a post as any you've written recently, and i wasn't sure how best to address it (without coming across as my usual pedantic, asshole self, anyway) until today i came across the following on a blog i like a lot:
"Adolescence is supposed to be an identity Schrodinger's Cat: multiple simultaneous states which eventually collapse into only one. The goal of adulthood is to let go of the other possible existences and to make the best of the one. A successful adult is one who understands that it doesn't matter which life you ultimately pick, only that you live it well. The same potential for, say, happiness exists whether you are a construction worker, porn actor, or wealthy industrialist."
did you get that? if not, read it again.
see, when you're a kid, you can be anything when you grow up--fireman, cowboy, astronaut, president, whatever. the process of maturing is, simply speaking, no more than the successful narrowing of options to the one that's right.
it's the same with love--when you're truly mature, you weed out the many, and make whatever sacrifices are necessary in order to focus on the one you've picked so you can build a life together.
as the product of an unbroken home (relatively rare for your generation, as i'm sure you know), i want to ask you a question: how would you have felt, growing up, had your parents lived for their own individual "happiness" instead of yours?
well, you're a grown-up now, matt--like it or not, you're them.
your father's a man, subject to the same temptations as his son (and he's probably around my age, so while you in your youth might think he must be beyond all that sorta foolishness, i know better). sit down with him some night and ask him how often over the course of his long marriage he's been tempted to stray--or just call it quits--and why he did or did not. such a conversation might answer some of the questions you've posed in this post far more meaningfully than any of your commenters could ever do.
I think open relationships almost never work. It seems like both people have to have the idea simultaneously in order for it to work, otherwise one person gets suspicious or jealous. If someone suggested an open relationship to me, I'd see it as the first step on the path to breaking up. In fact I think I would trust him less if he suggested that to me. I'd risking becoming a nutcase wondering why he really suggested it, and who he was sleeping around with. There's no way to suggest an open relationship without also implicitly telling your boyfriend that he is not enough. If he were satisfying your sexually, you would neither need or want an open relationship. Also, how do you go back to monogamy after having an open relationship? Is that even possible? It seems like an irreversible condition to put on a relationship.
I totally agree with what you said about monogamy being forced upon people by society. Obviously that has some effect on how I view all of this, but I would say that a long-term monogamous relationship is definitely a goal for me. More than the idea that "the One" is out there for me, I think the most appealing part of that type of relationship is the stability it would offer. I think a long term lover should become another one of the pillars that holds up one's life. Isn't that something to hope for? I don't think an open relationship provides that. A lifelong partner is a good thing to want - I don't think it's crazy. I also don't think it's buying into a hetero-normative anything. Everyone wants to find someone they can go the distance with. I honestly do not believe that it is just a hetero-normative ideal. And I don't think gay men want husbands just because we think we're supposed to have them.
Advice in this situation is hard to give, but to me, you shouldn't enter into a monogamous relationship with this guy if you're only going to end up resenting him for keeping a better love from you. I'm wondering if you've broached this with him at all. Because telling someone you love them but still want to have an open relationship sounds a little hollow to me. Then again, I'm only 23, so I may just be talking out of my ass.
what an outstanding post
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