working for it
Here's a semi-related follow up question:
I understand that a relationship takes work. It's not always going to be about "happiness". Love is deeper, takes commitment, compromise etc. In other words, sometimes you're going to be miserable, but you have to trust that you made the right long-term decision that this person was worth it, and struggle through.
But to what extent is that true in the beginning of a relationship? Obviously you shouldn't commit to a relationship with somebody who makes you miserable, even sometimes. But on the other hand, you can't expect to be in love with the person right off the bat either. In the beginning, it's much more shallow, so I think it's legitimate to ask how "happy" you are to be around this person.
Here's the scenario: I went on a date last night with a guy I really like. Have liked him for years. And I think, in the long term, we'd be quite compatible. He's somebody I could potentially see being worth it to struggle through some hard times with.
However, in the short term, I have already ceased to feel that giddy happiness to be around him all the time. In some cases, I'd even rather hang out with one friend or another than with him. And that concerns me. If somebody is the right one for a relationship, shouldn't I still be in that ecstatic crush stage? I definitely was, with him, when I met him years ago. And then I was, again, when we re-united about 2 years ago. I still liked him and wanted to pursue him even after it wore off. I still like him and want to pursue him now. But sometimes I find myself thinking "Meh, I'm going to pretend I had a prior commitment so I can hang out with X friend instead."
So, have I reached the "compromise" stage too early? Am I asking myself to WORK for a relationship earlier than I should? Shouldn't it still be natural and easy at this point? Or is it legitimate to have friends that make me "happier" on a shallow, short term basis, and still work for a relationship with somebody else? Or maybe is it that I'm kidding myself, and despite having patiently pursued him for 3 years, I don't really like him that much?
Thoughts?
I understand that a relationship takes work. It's not always going to be about "happiness". Love is deeper, takes commitment, compromise etc. In other words, sometimes you're going to be miserable, but you have to trust that you made the right long-term decision that this person was worth it, and struggle through.
But to what extent is that true in the beginning of a relationship? Obviously you shouldn't commit to a relationship with somebody who makes you miserable, even sometimes. But on the other hand, you can't expect to be in love with the person right off the bat either. In the beginning, it's much more shallow, so I think it's legitimate to ask how "happy" you are to be around this person.
Here's the scenario: I went on a date last night with a guy I really like. Have liked him for years. And I think, in the long term, we'd be quite compatible. He's somebody I could potentially see being worth it to struggle through some hard times with.
However, in the short term, I have already ceased to feel that giddy happiness to be around him all the time. In some cases, I'd even rather hang out with one friend or another than with him. And that concerns me. If somebody is the right one for a relationship, shouldn't I still be in that ecstatic crush stage? I definitely was, with him, when I met him years ago. And then I was, again, when we re-united about 2 years ago. I still liked him and wanted to pursue him even after it wore off. I still like him and want to pursue him now. But sometimes I find myself thinking "Meh, I'm going to pretend I had a prior commitment so I can hang out with X friend instead."
So, have I reached the "compromise" stage too early? Am I asking myself to WORK for a relationship earlier than I should? Shouldn't it still be natural and easy at this point? Or is it legitimate to have friends that make me "happier" on a shallow, short term basis, and still work for a relationship with somebody else? Or maybe is it that I'm kidding myself, and despite having patiently pursued him for 3 years, I don't really like him that much?
Thoughts?
posted by Matt at 11:24 AM
14 Comments:
Matt, I'm not going to comment directly but I have a link to something that might interest you. If you haven't ever listened to/watched TED Talks you are seriously missing out and there are a couple of really excellent talks about love and relationships.
http://www.ted.com/talks/lang/eng/helen_fisher_studies_the_brain_in_love.html
http://www.ted.com/talks/helen_fisher_tells_us_why_we_love_cheat.html
Hope you find them interesting, maybe useful.
Ben
This post has been removed by the author.
I'm in a relationship now for the past 2years within the first few weeks knew that he was the "one". I never really believed all the old clap trap about when will you know you're with the right person and the response is "you'll know when you know". It turned out I do know that my current partner is the one I should be with until I die.
I also have days though when I prefer to hangout with my own friends. I think it's just natural. Though when i'm away from home i can't wait to get back to see him.
As for you're particular situation I'd trust your gut. Mine has never let me down yet.
Cheers
Why me
Hi,
I agree with Why Me.
From your post i think you already know how/what you feel.
People change so the person you had feelings for 2 years ago may not be the same person you had a date with now and also you may be looking for something different this tme around?
Good Luck
FL
i've read you for awhile, and the only pattern i've managed to discern from the myriad crushes you've detailed in this blog is that, pretty much at the instant any object of your obsession shows even the slightest sign of actually liking you back, you're done with him.
which to my mind means at least one of two things: (a) for you, it's all about the chase; and/or (b) if some guy actually likes you, there's gotta be something wrong with him.
either way, it's fallacious thinking--like so many gay men before you, you've allowed your broken past to erect huge barriers between yourself and true intimacy with another human being.
address this now, my young friend, or you're gonna look up 20 years from now and find yourself like me.
omg
I feel totally the same way, and I identify myself with what mkf says too!...
so, knowing the facts, where do I go from here?
can´t ask my guts cos there´s total confusion there too..
and usually by the time I am ready to react it´s too late...
I guess the answer is patience and wait wait... I am longing for that "he is the one" feeling!
rgds to all
well.... it's very possible that you enjoy the hunt, but when you "bagged the trophy", the excitement wears of. I know that you're not in a relatioship with him right now, but that fact that he's shown interest could in this case validate as having a committed relationship.
the fact that you're close to that, lessens the excitement of the chase
MKF hit the nail right on the head. Once the challenge is gone "what is the point". This my friend is a serious issue for most Gay men and really will hamper you in any form of a reltionship for the future. I really do not get what you fixation is on finding a partner right now, just let it happen stop working it so hard. Yet to work on that issue it will lessen your chances of not only finding a partner but also keeping him.
I agree with some of the other comments that maybe you over-think things. If he might be "the right one for a relationship" but you don't want to spend that much time with him, then let that run its course. If you end up not spending much time with someone, then a relationship will not grow from it.
I know I was ready and looking for a relationship, but when I met my now-partner, we just went out on some dates, then started seeing each other more and more, and a relationship grew. (It's been over 11 years now.)
It's kind of organic. You definitely have to be open to that growth, but you can't necessarily force it to happen.
I've been meaning to ask. What exactly does "meh" mean?
But I agree that you think about it too much. You will know when things are right. I believe that when things are right you want to be with your guy. You can't be with each other 24/7; that is suffocating. But if you find that you absolutely DON'T want to be with him sometimes then it seems that it is not meant to be. Understanding the need for space is one thing; preferring NOT to be with him is another.
In my experience you will know it when it is right, and when there is as much doubt as you express now, it is probably not meant to be.
if you have to ask, he's not the one. you'll know when it's right.
Hmm, God knows I'm no expert when it comes to relationships (I'm only 17 after all), but if I were you I'd wait a couple of months and see how I feel then. If it still felt like you were hanging out with him just 'cause you feel like you should, move on.
Hope I helped :)
You have OCD. Try 80mg. of Prozac a day.
What a great neighbor! You made those kids day.
Onanite
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